I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

No, i can't see her face right now

I'm not in home rn....

Misandry

OP, I get that you're upset but stop for a minute and consider what in your life has changed because of this revelation? Nothing. You still have a loyal loving wife, children and a best friend if you choose to have them.

Your ex girlfriend (who you made an ex) had a brief relationship with your friend. Nothing came of it because, basically, she still loved you and he was an inferior substitute.

You got back together and they both decided not to mention it. Had your friend not been a dick, your life would have continued in the same vein.

However, (and this one is big) the truth has probably been gnawing away at your friend and possibly your wife for 26 years and after 26 years he's had enough of hiding it and feeling guilty .... even though, technically, he has nothing to feel guilty about.

Your job now is to realise that you won. You and your friend both wanted her and ultimately she chose you despite your having been a bit of a dick tbh.

So you can celebrate 26 happy years and accept that things happen and you weren't told for a reason, or you can sulk and alienate everyone until you're really alone.

Personally I'd go for the former.

You might ask ... Would it worry me if I found out 26 years later? Probably not tbh, it's only sex.

so leave her then

I mean honestly all this bloody drama

you have decided that they are both terrible ppl that you can't trust so leave her and drop the friendship with him

but you won't leave her, you'll get a great deal of satisfaction out of going on snd on forever about this and using it as a stick to beat her with requiring her to prove that she deserves your trust over and over again, and whatever she does won't be enough for you

Hope you get the outcome you want when you are able to talk to her.
Hopefully she will agree to couples counseling if you feel that's what you need to have any chance of the marriage working.

Lol
!

man - am I wrong to make a big self obsessed fuss about something that happened 20 years ago.

mumsnet - yes. It’s not ideal but get over yourself.

man - booo hoooooo haters

Aren’t you somewhat glad you didn’t know then? You may not have had the life you’ve had with your wife. I assume she didn’t tell you because she really wanted to be with you and had realised she didn’t feel that way about the friend. I totally get you feeling betrayed but can you also see that it may have been better happening this way? I just think the friend shouldn’t have told you now - very selfish of him after all these years.

I'm not going blow up his marriage..... I'm not that bad person, if she is not aware of her husband's past with my wife, then let it be

Again it's not my place to bring up

So first you dump her because she made a comment about your football team that you didn't like. Now you want to dump her because she didn't tell you about a relationship she had 26 years ago when you weren't together? Presumably she didn't because she suspected you would want to split up and seems she was probably right.

You sound really distressed (understandably)! Can you speak to someone in real life? I hope you can get some support or reassurance from your wife. Take care of yourself.

There is clearly more to this that maybe it is too much to divulge because in doing so maybe it all comes tumbling down.

Do you have someone to talk to? Your pain is palpable. Your wife must be devastated.

Thank you for explaining. It’s a bit of a leap from hearing about a brief sexual dalliance whilst the wife was totally free to live her own life as an unattached 18 year old, to now be thinking one of the children isn’t his. There must be more to this than what is being told here including why is it all just now being revealed by the former best friend.

Hard agree that you need to talk to someone. I don't even know you and am a bit worried for your mental health.

You don't have to talk to your wife until you're ready.

You've had a big shock and it sounds as if you're really struggling.

This is recoverable even if right now it doesn't feel like it.

One final thing, don't try to sort any of this out after a drink.

Yes. Who is supporting you IRL right now?

The double standards on here is shocking. Take care of yourself!

Wow!

If it were the other way around I'd still say the same. It's nothing to do with the sexes but everything to do with it being a long time ago, being none of your business and all about your terrible reaction to something that isn't all about you.

Why would something that happened years ago when her husband was single blow up your friend’s wife’s marriage? It was a teenage fling, you’re massively overreacting. I don’t expect it’s the first time you’ve flown off the handle which is why your wife didn’t tell you before now. You’re seriously going to break up your family for this?

Yes OP, we're all man haters who defend women's rights to be cheaters, because all women are cheats who jump at the chance to shag around and are thinking about doing so constantly throughout our lengthy marriages while having other men's babies. Is that what you want to hear?

Christ, given your reaction on here I think your wife would be well shot of you.

This all happened when you were 18. Are you still the same person you were at 18? are they? It’s in the past where it really should have stayed. Don’t let it impact your present or future life.

I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

I think this is a key thing. You understand you did something stupid at 18 that really isn't relevent to your current relationship, toss her the same courtesy.

It really does not mean anything to your friendship or relationship now. And they did nothing wrong. You weren't together. And honestly, even if you were, 20 odd years down the line from some teenage stupidity, it isn't worth losing a friend or wife of decades over.

You're going to ruin your life over something an 18 year old heartbroken girl did. Do you honestly not think that's a bit stupid?

Oh dear. That's bad, and unless there is some kind of wider context around it, is incredibly juvenile, even for an 18 year old.

The deception is one thing, but I think an aspect that is just as important is - if you had known then what had happened between them, would you have wanted to get back with her? If the answer is no, then your perception of her as a person has changed on a very basic level and that kind of thing is very very difficult to repair or come back from.

@Mumtotornadoes That's only one half of it though. He's understandably upset and struggling with the deceit of it. This isn't that she lent his friend a bit of money or something. They had sex. If you're the kind of person who has sex casually, or who's had casual sex in the past, that might be easier to overlook as silly or regrettable behaviour, but for people who take sex more seriously, it's quite a big deal.

Interesting first post, OP. Do you not have anyone to talk to in RL that you decided to come on a female-dominated chat forum to froth about something that happened the best part of three decades ago?

You're on a forum aimed at women, I don't think this is a way to win friends and influence people mate

I think when they made the decisions to sleep together and then not to tell you, you were all very young. I think back to the decisions I made then and they were not mature. I think then it probably got harder and harder to say it. They both probably put it out of their minds.

Im not sure what prompted his confession. It’s seems quite selfish.

I think your feelings are understandable. Give it time though and try and remember that the wife and friend you see now, back then were silly young people. Look at people the same age now, remember yourself at that age. It might help you get a bit more context.

OP posts are not exactly giving settled married father of 2 in his 40s vibes