I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

The disingenuousness on this thread is absolutely through the roof.

So now you're saying that your friend is the father to one of your children? You said your wife hadn't cheated so please explain how one kid is not yours? I'm starting to feel troll vibes on this thread...

It’s just getting more ridiculous

This is bullshit

Agree re BULLSHIT 💩

Does your wife use Mumsnet, @jhkyg ?

It's odd that your friend has chosen to tell you this now, what can he possibly gain from it ?

I can understand you being shocked. They haven't lied to you, in that you never asked if they had slept together, you just assumed they were friends without benefits.

What has your wife said about your friends revelation ? @jhkyg

Fuck’s same mate, I’m similar age to you and I can’t remember who I shagged when I was 18! The past is a different country and all that, are you normally this dramatic over stuff?

I bet your wife never told you cos she probably has hardly any memory of the weeks her and your mate got off with each other. It’s like being judged on something completely normal more than half your life ago when basically a kid.

Saying that, your friend sounds a bit of a selfish dick telling you. There was no need for him to do so unless something else happened that has bearing on your life now.

If it was just a few month teenage fling donkeys’ years ago then I bet your wife hasn’t even thought about it or has given it any headspace as she built a life with you.

You’re ascribing a ridiculous amount of value to something insignificant and very normal and I’d be pissed off with both you and your friend (for shit stirring) if I was your wife.

Jumped the shark there.

I am with my husband 36 years and it wouldn't occur to me or him to say we have rules about no secrets.

It sounds anyway like it is a rule you made up?
On what basis did such a no rule conversation even arise?
Sounds strange, a bit controlling.

I do not believe my husband has any right whatsoever to my private life when I wasn't with him, and I actually believe that men/ women that believe this are a walking red flag.
I have warned my adult children about this in general conversation about controlling partners.

.

So when did your wife have the child that isn't yours?

Women cheat or lie its fine its obviously the man's fault somehow.
Man cheats or lies hes a pig LTB he has no respect for you.

After years on MN I think women cheat and lie more, because they can hid it better.

My husband was a colleague and friend of someone I had a FWB relationship with for a few years in and off. I never told him because it wasn’t at a time when we were together. It can out about 20 years later when we all ended up at a wedding together.

My husband wasn’t in the least bothered because we weren’t together when it happened and because he was perfectly secure in our marriage.

He didn't sleep with his best friend's wife. He slept with his best friend at a time when his other friend had broken her heart over a stupid, immature comment about a football team and gone off to explore or do his own thing for six months. That's very much not the same as sleeping with his best friends wife. Doesn't make the lie acceptable but your way of thinking is very distorted.

What were they “protecting themselves” from? Your wrath? You the guy who’s talked to his friend about this but not his wife despite being so honest?

At 18, was the possible the loss of you as a friend or partner a major blow?

Everything feels huge at that age. Your ex girlfriend and friend both went on to find other partners. How does your wife feel about this? How does your friend’s wife feel about this? Did she also know? Did she recently find out so your friend had to tell you?

All-in-all, there’s no reason to think this is any more than a decision at 18 not to tell you (because you sound dramatic & self-centred now so expect you were more so then) that became a habit.

No marriage or friendship has to be completely honest at all times. Life is complicated and there are thoughts and feelings we need to keep to ourselves to enable life to continue in a practical way. Fantasies and ideals are just that, not reality.

If you’ve never had a thought or feeling your wife didn’t know about she’s probably exhausted.

I’m annoyed for you that your best mate felt the need to confess now. After so much time he may have felt it safe to do it now but it’s gone down like a lead balloon.

As far as your marriage is concerned, don’t cut your nose off to spite your face.

See I read that as him spiralling and saying his fear is that this is the next revelation, so to speak.

Not that it was actually a fact.

First off, why did your friend suddenly feel the need to tell you about this?

Next. Get a fucking grip. You were all young, you DUMPED her for SIX months. What your EX-GIRLFRIEND did or didn't do in that time is absolutely bugger all to do with you. Nothing at all. Zip. Zero. Nada and any other way you can say, in effect, fuck all!

So, put your big boy pants on and suck it up. Don't ruin your marriage or your friendship because of something that happened decades ago.

BTW: Did you keep it in your pants during that six months when your wife was your EX-GIRLFRIEND?

This is rough.

Are you glad your friend told you or would you prefer to have remained ignorant? I think your friend was incredibly selfish to tell you - the opportunity to do that passed long ago!

Does your friend's wife know about your best friend and your wife's history? If so, has she known for a long time or only just found out too? And are her and your wife close friends now? If I were you I would want to talk to her about the situation, see how she feels about it.

I appreciate this is a shock and you must be feeling rubbish. You mention not being able to trust your friend or your soft again. It sounds like you're considering ending the friendship, but not that marriage? If you can forgive one, can't you forgive the other? It might just take a bit of time for your initial shock to wear off.

I can understand why you're shocked and upset.

I can't understand what possessed your friend to tell you decades after the event and risk blowing up all your lives.

But, honestly, your life sounds picture perfect - a long, happy marriage with teenage children and all best friends with another long term haappy couple who also havee teenagers. Seeing each other regularly and feeling more like family than 'just' friends. That's the dream, isn't it?

I think it would be terrible to throw all that away during a time of shock and emotional upset. For your own sanity and to prevent rash actions/words, I think you need a little time and distance from your friend and some long, honest talks with your wife (with a marriage counsellor, maybe, if you're both open to that).

But ultimately, I wouldn't want a decades old brief relationship between two people who were single to ruin my life.

[also, I think the fact they stayed such close friends is a clear indicator that it was a brief relationship that is and has always been completely over. If there were leftover feelings or emotional hurt then their friendship would have become awkward and probably fizzled out.]

This.

Also…if it was no big deal/none of OP’s business, why did the friend “confess”? Confession = I did something wrong.

I agree with other posters.
It was donkeys years ago.
You weren't together.
Your DW and friend both put this behind them long ago.
It would appear you all have great lives now.

Ffs why did he have to bring this up now?

Please try to get this into perspective and don't let it ruin your/your wife/your childrens lives.

X

I read it as he is now spiralling and worried that a child isn't his. Not that it is an established fact that he knows to be the case.