I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

And I am quite sure all the cool wives on here will be as quick to berate her for feeling shitty about it.

😬

I agree with all of this. I do think the responses on this thread would be very different if OP was a woman who had just found out that her husband had slept with her best friend years ago and then kept it secret. It is like his whole marriage plus his friendship with his best friend are based on a lie, and he has been denied the opportunity to make different choices. I don't believe that most people would just be able to shrug this off so lightly.

Your sister slept with your boyfriend isn't the same.
She slept with their friend when she was single. She didn't cheat unlike your boyfriend.

Read first line and connect the second line....I used word "I fear there are more lies".....

If your feeling is that you have the right to know what your wife did when you were 18 after the way you treated her, then I don't think that particular feeling should be pandered to. She has done nothing wrong. You were the one behaving badly.

You are spiralling. Can you not see that?

He probably told you because it had been on his mind and thought it was fair you should know.

But agonising over it isn't helping anyone. Do you not have friends you once dated that you still talk to? My husband went to his ex's wedding, we've been out socially with people I've had brief relationships with when I was younger, it was all very much in the past. You were all kids. It's not relevant to what your life is now.

I know that. But she is his wife now. She wasn’t then, she is now.

If I found out that my boyfriend, now my husband, had slept with my best friend while we were on a break, I would be pissed off.

OPs BF has done two things that question his character, actually, three -

1. had sex with his best friend’s ex
2. not told OP, when OP and his then girlfriend got back together
3. 26 years later told OP. If he can tell him now, he bloody well should have told him then.

OP would have been able to make an informed decision on what happened next.

Honestly, grow up. You were all 18 so newish to relationships, you dumped your then gf, she had a relationship/fling with mutual a good friend for a few months whilst SINGLE, and they decided it was not working and they were better as friends. And then she went and married you.

Yes, they did not advertise this relationship but why should they. You made a bad decision and finished the relationship. She wondered if maybe the friendship could become a relationship and they decided no, and then you managed to persuade your now wife to get back with you. You admit you made a bad decision, maybe they did as well.

I would suggest maybe look at this as a good thing that they have been there and done that and have moved on.

That’s one hell of a leap to make. They had sex 26 years ago after you broke up with her because she said something you didn’t like about your sports team. I think you’re still stuck at 18 emotionally.

Did you read my best mate done the same.
Different bf but still done the same.

Then your anger should be directed at your friend only.

Not your wife.
X

They certainly wouldn't be different. The friend should have told him straight away as he was his friend but his wife wasn't in a relationship with him so owed him nothing. He dumped her for a ridiculous reason.

This. Its really not grave.

If you've got any sense OP and want to preserve your marriage, you'll have to find a way of coping with this and you'll have to do it quickly. At the moment you are angry with your wife because you feel she has disrespected your willy and your male ego has taken over your brain. It also seems that you are one of the many men who regards his wife as a personal possession without the right to thoughts and feelings of her own.

In her place, I really wouldn't be prepared to countenance any whining or chest beating about this and if you continue down this path, prepare
to end up in the divorce court very soon. Years ago you had a hissy fit and broke up with your wife and she had a brief teenage fling with your mate. The fact that they concealed it from you at the time was probably because they knew you would react with another hissy fit. Since then you've had years of happy marriage - if you want to fuck it up completely just carry on. Alternatively, you could act like a grown up and move on.

This would be my greatest concern. That there’s more to it. Why now after all this time is he suddenly having a pang of guilt? Did your wife know he was going to tell you or did his wife find out?

Be mindful you’re going to get people slating you and berating you on here. They’ll pretend they wouldn’t be bothered or tell their own husbands and it’s none of your business but they are not being honest because they aren’t in your situation.

Obviously you feel betrayed that they both knowingly kept this from you. Almost a double betrayal being it’s your wife and best friend, the two people in the world you wouldn’t expect to be keeping things from you.

How do you move on? I think I’d want further discussions with your friend. Why now? But you have to keep in mind you weren’t together and you were only teenagers. Sometimes teenagers make mistakes. Maybe they made mistakes?

Do they both genuinely love you and are they genuinely remorseful? Only you will know that. Your whole world is no longer as you thought it was and that’s going to take time to process.

Ofc!! Read My post.....i told never talk to me again

Regarding my wife, i can't trust her and I don't what else she kept secret

I remember those times when they were just alone, and I feel different about it now

Oh calm down
Don't be so drastic.

You sound so batshit OP that I think this whole thing is made up.

If it's genuine, you need therapy.

Yep I think this too. The person who dumped his girlfriend is still very much with us...looking for excuses maybe??

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Maybe if it was a relationship with somebody they had nothing much to do with over the years that is true but someone you both see all the tine, his best friend? You expect the op not to be surprised and to need time to sort out some probably very strong emotions

Who is he supposed to take about them to ? His best friend ? His wife, who has already told him he is being unreasonable

His wife is an interested party and of course will not want to accept any responsibility for upsetting him. She will definitely have thought over the years that she perhaps should have shared this information but has convinced herself she doesn't have to. Well she absolutely should have told her dh at some point in the last 20+ years.

It is definitely a secret that has been kept by the BF and the wife, and the op is perfectly entitled to be upset

Op, YADNBU to be upset, but you need some time to come terms with this. Don't do anything rash . Just say to need some time as this has upset you. Try to find someone objective but sympathetic you can talk to

Mumsnet may not be the best place when you are feeling vulnerable. Sone people in here are very unsympathetic, particularly towards men expressing emotions.

I think it is possible your friend told you as he had felt guilty keeping this from you , in a way your wife has not. The reason for that guilt is what is important. Does he want to have a more authentic relationship with yiu or is he somehow still attracted to your wife .

Maybe talk to him more about his reasons for telling you ?

I think you've decided the narrative, and nobody here can make you see otherwise. I don't see what good can come from telling you, but it was a long time ago when you were all practically still kids, and you won't together at the time. I understand it may come as a shock now, but presumably nothing has ever happened since. I think you should take some time to digest it, and then hopefully your best friend of many years will continue to be your best friend, and everything continues as it was with your wife. I would definitely not let it eat you up or blow it all out of proportion.

It’s insignificant. It’s just teenagers finding their way through first experiences. It’s normal and a bit boring tbh. Christ - did you take every 2 month fling to be significant when you were a teenager? I can just about remember the names of my college teachers through the drunken haze. You just can’t stand the fact a friend once had sex with your now wife. It’s pathetic.

Do you have someone in real life to talk to? You are sounding more distressed with each post.

Such a bizarre thread.

At face value, I am totally with the OP, but follow up details are sadly lacking, so I am wondering about the ‘jumped the shark’ comment.

1/ Does his best friend’s wife know?

2/ Did the fling instantly transition back to best friends without any more physical contact when they got back together, or was their overlap? Do his wife and bf tell the same story?

3/ Why didn’t his wife tell him? And how did she respond when OP confronted her with the knowledge?

I am totally not a believer that if 90%+ of people here found out that their bestie, chief bridesmaid and godmother to their children suddenly found out that she and your husband had had a relationship (not a hookup) however long ago, it wouldn’t shock them and affect both their marriage and their friendship.

But, equally, the OP’s story about football teams, suddenly wondering about his children etc is starting to get rather smelly!