I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

Everyone saying it doesn’t matter, well it obviously does because @jhkyg BF has just told him.

Every is more interested in why BF has told him now, than OPs feelings.

I would guess he told him because he felt guilty or bad. Sleeping with your BFs wife is a big deal, whenever. BF is not here to represent himself. But if BF did post on MN, the advice would be don’t tell him. Let sleeping dogs lie. If it doesn’t matter then why not tell him? Because it does matter!

OP is devastated. This does not mean he has to “grow up”, “get over himself” or any of the hurtful suggestions being thrown at him. The man is hurting!

Why has he told you now would be my main question?

I think you need to find yourself counselling asap, as you navigate how you feel and before you do or say anything that could have consequences beyond what you imagine or want.
Be careful of a runaway train.

I understand your shock.
You feel a bit foolish.

She in NO WAY cheated if this was confined to a broken hearted fling at 18, and you need to get that out of your head.

Any suggestion of her cheating on this basis makes YOU out to be the absolute arsehole in this story, and a thick idiot who doesn't deserve any sympathy IMO.
There was NO cheating if this was 2-3 months 26 years ago.

So get your head straight on that score.
She was dumped and single.
ANYTHING she did was 100% none of your business.

I would be more consumed by why now?
Why has he decided to blow up all these lives to tell you?

Be very careful because there are children involved, and you blowing up their lives because of this at age 18, is likely to make you a laughing stock with them.
Harsh but true.

Do not expect them to be sympathetic towards you if family friendships of all their lives, end on such a ridiculous note.

Also, think long and very hard if you want to be such an arsehole to your wife about this, that SHE decides, SHE is done.

Marriages can be hard and sometimes in them you have to get beyond a hurt and push through.
Do you really want your marriage to end?

The crucial thing here is to get counselling asap, to tease stuff out, talk to your wife respectfully, and try and establish why he would do this now.

Is he really so stupid as to think clearing his conscience now was a good idea?
That is hard to believe.
His family are likely to be very very upset if this comes out, at his selfishness at clearing his conscience.

Basically tread carefully, because the consequences for your life, marriage and children are huge, and YOU do not want to have regrets.
Good luck.

Ok, so they bumped uglies for a few months, decided it wasn’t right for either of them and stopped it.

They didn’t tell 18 year old you as 18 year olds (them and you) don’t/won’t handle these things perfectly. Decided to leave it be. Not the worst decision an 18 year old has ever made and it was possibly done with the right 18 year old intentions. Once they made that decision it probably became impossible to change direction and it was filed away in the archives.

Why on earth your friend has decided to share with you now would be interesting.

I don’t believe in the no secrets in marriage thing. I do believe in trust and no lying, and I trust dh to make the right decisions for us as a family and he trusts me. I don’t need to know everything.

It’s been a shock, your mind is thinking every time over years they look at each other remembering the past, they don’t. I shagged my now Evri delivery man 30 years ago, dh doesn’t know that and I don’t reminisce about it when he delivers a parcel. I wouldn’t let something that happened briefly decades ago ruin a good marriage and friendship.

So you have told her about every woman you ever slept with?
All about what porn you watch?
All about every woman you've ever fantasised about?

Fwiw, you broke up with her for the most ridiculous reason. If you reacted so extremely to a comment about a football match l can understand why they didn't tell you at the time.

What i really don't understand is why he's told you now.

What does your wife say about it all?
And his wife?

Did the OP's wife and friend go for a candle lit dinner?
And the fact they had a fling when they were kids means nothing years later. Literally nothing! If they wanted to be together, don't you think they would've been over the 26 years?

And yes, they could go away, why not? Being informed of the past means sod all. You either trust them or you don't and that is the bottom line.

By the way, my reply was fine in response to what I quoted. Cheers.

I think you need to end your marriage for both your sakes. You are spiraling too much. You have absolutely no reason to believe one of your children isn't really yours but you've gone there. Just end it now before you become possessive, jealous and abusive.

I agree with your wife that it’s literally none of your business who she chose to have sex with while you weren’t together. But I do understand why you’re upset- it’s shock more than anything. If I was your wife I would be very angry with this friend for bringing it up now. Why do that?

They were both very young.

At 18 your wife wasn't to know that she was going to marry you, let alone that you would, as a couple, live in each other's pockets with this friend & his family for decades to come. As the years went by, it must have seemed harder & harder to tell you, which really does make the most important question:

WHY has the friend told you now?

After 26 years, there has to be a reason he has suddenly decided to share this information with you?
I think you need to ask this question to fully understand because only then will you be able to move forward

You weren't together when they were together and it was decades ago. I think you're massively over reacting. I'm with your wife. I'd be more interested in why he told you, that's intriguing.

Has his wife known all along? Why won’t you answer this? You must have asked.
He should never have agreed to be your kids godfather imo.

What you should do is get a grip, sort out in your own head what you think is right and wrong and what the implications are for your life in acting on those thoughts and feelings, and then talk straight to the people concerned.

Not sure what you think you would gain from posting on here. I can understand if you wanted some outside, neutral perspective to check whether your thinking is straight or clouded by emotion. But you don't want that, you just want people to agree with you or give you sympathy and then argue back with anyone who says something you don't like. So you might as well sort it out on your own or talk to someone you trust and respect and will actually listen to instead.

My question would be why did he assume she had never told you?

I would be shocked and distressed too. Not so much that it happened but that they both kept it from you, depriving you of the opportunity to have taken it in and put it behind you decades ago. The worst thing is that these two people who are a huge part of your life have kept this little secret for all those years.

I'd be really angry he's decided to tell you now. If they decided years ago not to tell you they should have both kept their gobs shut forever. Why turn things upside down now when there was no need?

You apparently have a great marriage but it doesn’t sound too solid to me if your ego is this fragile ….

as someone once said …. “ you were on a break !”

i wonder if your reaction to this is why they have said nothing all these years …

because they knew you would ruminate / pontificate / go round in circles and ultimately ruin everything you appear to value ???

They may have agreed not to say anything.

Well, she didn't cheat on you. She had a brief relationship with your friend 26 years ago when you had broken up with her. That's not what I would call a secret if it didn't have any importance after that eg they were truly done with each other.

But this information has been sprung on you so you need some time out from this friend in order to process your feelings. I hope when you have talked to your wife and some time has gone by you will be able to see that it's not significant. I would however ask the friend why he needed to share 26 years later. Has he felt guilty for 26 years? Is he in love with your wife and wants to unsettle your relationship? Is it his wife who has told him he needs to tell you? It's quite awkward to just spring this on someone 26 years down the line.

So you were fucking around when you were teenagers and you dumped her, and she slept with him during this period of time?

Oh wait, you're claiming you weren't fucking around when you dumped her. Sure, 18 year old boys always dump girlfriends for no reason at all when they don't have access to another girl 😆

Oh well, never mind.

Him I'd dump though because he's a trouble making shit and he did NOT tell you this with good intentions.

Please share these thoughts with your wife so she can take control of her life and make a decision to walk away from such a spiteful, jealous ‘everything must be about me and my ego’ man.

You’ve tried to spin the narrative several ways once you weren’t getting the across the board righteous anger and self pity you are clearly seeking. She did not cheat on you. She, the friend and you were all single. You dumped her over a football match. Fragile ego doesn’t even touch you.

You don’t seem to have matured much in the intervening years so for your wife to have stayed with you for 26 years despite that shows she is a better woman than most and likely better than you deserved. I wonder how mutual the no secrets ‘rule’ actually is.

This is all so weird. Why earth tell you if not to shit stir and drag up the past?

No she didn't cheat obviously but they've both lied and decieved for decades and I'm not sure how you're supposed to just shrug it off.

I'd keep my distance from him tbh. Not much of a pal to throw this at you now.

I haven't read all the responses but honestly, if you have a happy and fulfilled marriage otherwise, and a lifelong friendship that means your families are super-close (you said your kids are like cousins etc), I would think about how fortunate you are, before you start dismantling all this on the back of something that happened decades ago.

I am a bit older than you (early 50s) and I've seen a lot of marriages fall apart in recent years, and also know how rare and precious this type of lifelong friendship is.

Your wife and your mate were kids when they hooked up. There was no betrayal at the time. It's very different to midlife and marriage. I get that it's a shock to you, but I'd try to get some perspective on what is important here.

The only thing I'd question is why your mate felt the need to tell you now. That's a bit strange and I'd wonder what the motivation was. Was he drunk?

Oh just stop

Honestly

You can't trust them? For normal teenage behaviour when they were teenagers?

Are you planning to tell your own children that they should keep a list of everyone they're ever with and make sure they tell their future boy/girlfriends all about them just in case they end up marrying one? Or are you going to tell them their personal sex lives when they're young and single is just that, personal, and tell them no one should ever make them feel bad about themselves as long as they're not hurting anyone else via cheating, force, lack of consent issues, etc I would hope not.

Get some counselling. It sounds like you need it. But you need to step away from the catastrophising cliff edge you're standing on because it's unwarranted and it sounds like you're spiralling

So she was 18, and slept with (dated?) your best friend after you'd broken up with her?

I can see why, at 18 (young and stupid like you), she didn't want to tell you the truth - because she was scared you'd not want her back. No doubt your friend didn't want you to know, because he didn't want to lose your friendship, but thought 'well, he didn't want her'. And then the longer they went without telling you, the harder it would've seemed to do it - and the more pointless.

Besides, they didn't do anything wrong - you'd broken up with her. Ultimately, you had no right to know who she slept with if she wasn't committed to you at the time - she could've banged her way through your whole football team, and you'd have no right to ever know. However, your friend was still your friend at the time, so I feel like he should've either been honest with you, or not done it.

I understand you feeling upset - but I can understand why your wife would have never told you. What I would question is your friends' intent in telling you now. It seems silly to spiral into 'my kids aren't mine' if you've never worried about that before, but I think distancing yourself from him - for now, at least - might not be a bad idea.

'Him I'd dump though because he's a trouble making shit and he did NOT tell you this with good intentions'

Exactly.

What does this mean. Are you unsure about one child's parentage?

Double standards as usual on here.
I found out my sister had slept with my boyfriend we was all early 20, found out when I was in my late 30s.
Another time my partner and best mate, I found out about 3 years after we split she said she felt guilty.
Although both was well and truly over when I found out I still felt quite hurt for some reason, I think it was the lieing that hurt the most.
I didnt stay friends with my bestie i mean what else would she lie about, my sister wwe dont talk as much, its like you see them in a different light.
Yes we was young but still adults and knew what we was doing.