I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

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You’re too cool for me; I’d be divorcing for the lies.

'The gravity of this situation'.
Really?
What's grave about it?
You have a successful marriage and a really great friendship.
You dont like the idea of him having had a brief physical relationship with her a quarter of a century ago.
They've been sensitive and kind enough to not have it interfere with your happy lives because they know it isnt of consequence.
Process it, deal with it like an adult. You may not like it, or the feelings it is bringing up. But that's on you.

It seems most likely to me that your wife fell in love with you, you dumped her, on the rebound she started dating a close friend, who probably felt safe and trustworthy, realised that her friend should just stay a friend, then got back together with you. She wanted to be with you and no doubt realised that you are a jealous person so didn’t tell you. After a year together it would have become impossible to tell you.
I don’t understand why your mutual friend has told you now, maybe he thought it wouldn’t be a big deal after so long.
You are turning yourself into a man who has been cheated on, that isn’t what happened. Neither your wife or your friend thought a great deal of their brief relationship, it was a brief mistake and they reverted to being friends.
In your place I would also be upset that I wasn’t told sooner, but can you honestly say that it wouldn’t have caused you to react badly if your wife had told you years ago ? There is obviously a reason why she felt she couldn’t just tell you. Perhaps she also very much regretted it .

@Happyjoe ,

‘So nobody is ever allowed to be friends with an ex in your life?’

Literally no one has said this!

But, for instance, your ex should be allowed a view on whether you go out for a romantic candlelight dinner with an ex or a few days holiday, just the two of you. And he has a right to do that in an informed manner.

And that’s not controlling; it is having boundaries within a relationship, which everyone does, even if they draw them in different places.

I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

It's not something incredibly significant about YOUR life. This had nothing to do with you frankly.

You were a teenager who (stupidly) dumped his girlfriend. Normal.

She was a teenager who (stupidly) rebounded post-breakup with another teenager you both knew because your circles of people were still small and the same at that stage of your lives. Normal.

He was a teenager who (stupidly) had a fling with a girl one of his teenage mates used to date. Normal.

They were teenagers who realised they were better off as friends and called it off. Normal.

It was none of your business and they knew it would have ruined everything to tell you at the time (that's rather obvious by your reaction 26 years later), even though it was none of your business, so they didn't. Normal.

You've all had great lives and great families and great friendships for the past 26 years ... frankly not normal and stupendously amazingly lucky to have such a great life and friendship with another family like this.

He shouldn't have told you, frankly. It wasn't his place to tell you and I question his motives in doing so now, after all these years. But, unfortunately, he did, and now you have to find a way to deal with it. And personally, I hope you do so quickly and get past it before you blow your life out of the water over nothing.#

I wonder if the comments would be the same if this was the DW posting. Just a thought!

Personally I do feel that you should have been told. If I found out my DH had a sexual relationship with my best friend, would I say “oh well, it was in the past”? If it was so casual and of no consequence then why didn’t they just say.

Why did your friend make a move on your ex? For many that would be a taboo on its own. How many of you have been out with your best friend’s ex. Some I guess but not many.

@jhkyg try to live in the moment. You have a successful marriage, in today’s world having that is a treasure.

Someone I know DH died of an acute illness that came out of nowhere. Very sudden, very quick, he is gone. His DW, DC, DGC, and everyone who knew him are still reeling.

Look after yourself. Life sometimes has a way of blowing up in your face, in some ways, those of us that it hasn’t, live with a level of anxiety in anticipation.

Your life has blown up in your face. Look at what you have got. You cannot do anything about the past. Leave it where it belongs.

I hope you can come to some peace on this and that your marriage survives.

We have no secret rule in our marriage, mutually

You keep saying they “protected themselves”…from what?? They did nothing wrong. Plus you were all Kids!! You’re being absolutely ridiculous. Grow up, honestly,

Why tell you now?

It’s a shame that he told you because it doesn’t matter at all. You were all teenagers, you had broken up with your now wife it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything unless you let it change things. Get some counselling for yourself immediately. You need to get this in perspective. You have a great marriage and a happy life. Don’t let the thoughts in your own head fuck this up.

Can you say when you think would have been a good time to tell you?

OP at that age it's too much to expect that they had so much respect for you when you ended the relationship they didn't act on completely normal hormones and get it on.
In some ways it's better than having a friend and partner who were attracted and always wondered about each other. They explored that area and they made different choices. She chose you.
So it's you not knowing which makes this so threatening.
So when could they have told you? It might at any point have threatened your relationship with your wife. It might have prevented you from enjoying the relationship you have had, even from having children.
Could it be they know your likely reaction and when you and her got back together didn't want to risk upsetting everyone? Were slightly uncomfortable but felt that was better than the alternative? And over the years it seemed less and less important?
There was never a good time. Why now is a good question.

This is the most ridiculous thing I have read for a long time. Blow up your 26 year relationship over this. Imagine explaining to everyone you have broken up with your wife because when you were 18 and you dumped her over some football match she shagged your mate. I suggest you get some counselling if you need it, and either break up with your wife, or get over it and move on. You will no doubt bin off your best friend.

They didn't lie! Sounds like they didn't tell you because I think they know you very well, and how you would react. I can't blame them.

You are allowed to feel what you want to feel, of course you are, even if that blows everything up for something that happened all those years ago. We all have our line that people shouldn't cross, and despite what happening between them having nothing to do with you at the time, a private matter, you sound like you can't get past that if you no longer trust them.

Go get some therapy and hopefully it will help you learn some coping skills with this as it's affected you so badly, and be able to live the rest of your life happy.

I would absolutely hate this. I know my dh slept with quite a number of his old female friends from uni and knowing that is bad enough but not knowing (because they had kept it from me) that he had slept with a woman who is still a huge part of his life? No, I would not get over this easily.

You mentioned your wife knew him before you did. Was he your best friend at the time you were teens?

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Come on OP...... answer the question.... what is his wife saying about it all?? It's been asked several times yet no response. Is she fine with him revealing it after all this time.? Did she already know? Has it affected their marriage? I suspect not. I suspect she's not at all bothered and you can't admit that or it would make you seem unreasonable.

She might have not done anything wrong but his best mate sure as hell did!

Op with kindness I think your male ego and pride are seriously clouding this issue. It was a long time ago. You dumped her. Who she slept with in that time was none of your business. She has not cheated or lied to you. Their relationship went back to just friendship which it has remained as.

You are now at severe risk of losing your marriage and your best friend if you can't leave the distant past where it belongs. They have not been laughing at you all these years. Your ego just thinks that.

Your wife never asked for names of who you slept with on the break as it is irrelevant. The here and now is what is important. You risk losing it all if you blow it up now.

Honestly idk, i fear there more lies they are not telling me.....again i can't trust them

Worse is that, one of my kid isn't mine!!

Except they knew each other before you knew them.

And seeing your intense jealousy, the fact you thought your wife was cheating in you after YOU split with her and broke her heart, shows she was right to not mention that to you.

As for ‘taking away your ability to make choices’, do you mean you’d never have got back with her then? Or that your friend wouldn’t be a friend anymore?
You think that all the very good years you’ve had with your wife, the family you built, the times with your friend, none if that was worth anything? It doesn’t tell you ‘wow those people ARE right for me’

Just there you’re ready to throw away your very good marriage for something that happened 20 years ago and that was never an issue in the first place.
You need to slow down really.

Oh and ask yourself why your friend told you that now. Because IF his aim is to split you up so he can have a go again, you’re falling right into his trap.

Why did he tell you?

OP you sound extremely immature for a man in his 40s. Another voice here to say your wife didn’t owe you chastity during your 6 month break up, it’s her choice who to sleep with whilst she’s single, and she doesn’t have to disclose her sexual partners to you even if they’re friends.

Also, the fact you refer back to your break up as being about an argument over a football match and seem to still think whatever silly comment your then 18 year old GF made deserved a break up, further demonstrates you’ve not grown up much.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a melt for disclosing this to you now - it’s obvious the disclosure would cause you a sense of confusion and even betrayal, when in reality they’ve not really done anything wrong and you’ve all had a very happy time together for 20 odd years.

So I’ll add your friend also sounds immature, like he’s eaten up by guilt for breaking some sort of “bro code” and thinks it’s proportionate to throw a grenade into your marriage.

I feel for your wife being stuck in the middle of all this silly drama.