I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

Completely agree.
Teenagers being teenagers. You had dumped her, she was sad, and got together with a close friend before both realised they were friends rather than lovers.
You are turning something unremarkable where nobody did anything very wrong, into a drama out of jealousy. Your wife wasn’t your wife at the time, she was perfectly entitled to go out with whoever she chose.
I do understand how finding this out now is a bit of a shock, but you need to let it go, laughed it off and not turn it into something enormous.
It’s not as though your wife had an affair ! She was a single teenage girl who dated someone for a few months.

I never cheated on her. She said something offensive after my team lost the football final against her team (her house). I understand that her team had won and she was celebrating, but what she said crossed a line for me, so I broke up with her. And yes, my best friend was on the same team as her.

A few weeks later, I felt stupid about the whole thing and apologized to her. During that time, I was constantly telling my best friend that I still loved her and wanted her back. He would say things to me and give me advice, but now I've found out that, all that time, he was sleeping with her.

So yeah, what’s happening now isn’t simple. What happened back then is also an important part of the whole situation.

I completely understand your feelings (not literally but I can only imagine) I wonder if it was a case of it was then just too far down the road to tell you this information, in which case I really feel better off not knowing. Why on earth do you think your friend decided to tell you this now? Your wife must be surely very upset with him? How does his wife feel? In hindsight, I do feel your wife should have perhaps ensured the two families were not as close as you clearly are but that could also point to there being absolutely nothing in it and so in their heads it wasn't a big deal as it really did mean nothing if that makes sense.

I am curious about his wife too.

She deserves to know too and, as it’s no biggie, I thing the OP needs to chat with her about it.

Sure, she’ll just shrug it off and not be bothered.

My wise old mum had a saying - concealment invites suspicion. I can see that's what has happened here and I don't believe my views have been especially dismissive.

However, what many responders have also seen is the likelihood of blowing the whole marriage/family/friendships out of the water and that would be wasteful of so much that is worth keeping.

I think that your friend telling you now is the issue. It was a reckless thing to do knowing that it could affect your marriage! Don't be hard on your wife!

Do not let this destroy your marriage, counselling would be beneficial as your wife does need to truly understand your perspective on this. And you hers. It will take some work but hopefully this may possibly make your marriage even stronger.

I never cheated on her. She said something offensive after my team lost the football final against her team (her house). I understand that her team had won and she was celebrating, but what she said crossed a line for me, so I broke up with her. And yes, my best friend was on the same team as her.

There are no words.

A few weeks later, I felt stupid about the whole thing and apologized to her.

But you were broken up for six months?

Anyway, be mad at your now ex-friend if you will. Leave your wife out of it.

Honestly, I get that you were a teenager, but that’s the most ridiculously juvenile reason for breaking up with someone I’ve ever heard. 😂

Clearly the three of you were very immature, even for teenagers. I’d mentally file it under ‘dopey stuff teenagers do’.

You sounded arrogant then and you sound arrogant now.

I honestly think if your OP had said I'm so sad, I don't know what to do, I love my wife with all my heart and I'm struggling to get over this, you'd be getting different responses.

As it is, your posts are coming across how DARE they do this to you. Like you're angry they 'got one over on you'.

When should she have told you though? And would you have reacted differently to how you are reacting now?

I mean, if you broke up with her on comments about a football team, I can see why they hid this from you.

You should work through this maturely, perhaps get some professional help individually because you have children to think about, this isn't just about you and your pride now. But I don't think you will do this.

You now have the perfect ammunition to punish your wife forevermore, and make her live under your continual scrutiny, make her hand over her phone daily to ensure there are 'no secrets'.

Or just cut her loose, and find yourself a virgin who has spent her entire life under the watchful eye of her parents so you can assure yourself there are no skeletons in the closet.

What on earth was he trying to achieve by telling you after so long , what a tool

I get the feeling, but no-one has done anything wrong here.

Why do you believe there should be no secrets in your marriage? None at all, or the ones which you decide? Have you previous experiences informing that position? Do you really not have anything going on in your life, in your head which your wife doesn’t know? And I don’t believe that if you say that is how it is! It can’t be.

This all smacks of control to me. You are feeling it so deeply as it was something out of your knowledge and control for twenty years. Your ‘no secrets’ rule is very controlling - what does your wife think? Does she agree with that? In ALL circumstances? Why isn’t she allowed autonomy of her life? Your wife and you are individuals and should be accorded some respect for that, and not adhering to a slightly odd over dependence expectations of being.

This is the underlying issue here for me, but I agree with PPs that you are a fully grown adult now and are responding in a childlike way to a decision she made as a child.

I think you need to dial down the outrage and sit with yourself and unpick why you feel as you do. It isnt healthy. If not with a counsellor, Claude can act as a decent specific issue sounding board for you in the first instance.

One last question, why did your friend tell you, and tell you now? That is intriguing.

I never said I should have known her entire sexual history. That’s not what I’m saying.

I’m saying I should have known the full context of her relationship with someone who wasn’t just some random person from her past, but my best friend someone who was involved in our daily lives, became my best man, my child’s godfather, and remained one of the closest people to both of us.

Those are two completely different things, and you’re making them the same by ignoring the context. My issue isn’t that she had a sexual past before me. My issue is that there was a significant history between her and someone who remained extremely important in both our lives, and I was never given the full picture.

You are unhinged. Yes, "Chill" would be a good way to go about it but that seems out of reach.

This sort of wounded ego raging would end the relationship for me.I hope she does the same and doesn't become an outlet for some faulty blokes paranoia. Nothing more tedious than this shit.

I sometimes find my thoughts can spiral. That is what you appear to be doing right now. I tend to find when the dust settles the issue isn’t that bad.

The fact is your friend had a short relationship with your now wife when they were 18. They won’t have been thinking about it since and looking at each other etc. I can’t even remember what the sex was like with anyone I was with back then.

The way you are talking it sounds like you are willing to break up a successful marriage over it. Please don’t do anything while you’re feeling these emotions. You need to let the dust settle and then see how you feel in days or weeks.

My question to your friend would be why has he told you now? What was he hoping to achieve. I really think at this point he should have kept his mouth shut.

Not everyone drops an ex like a hot potato. Some people remain on perfectly amiable terms with them, especially if it was a short, unserious relationship.

Why did your friend tell you this after all this time?

You said you were an idiot teen and broke her heart. You were not together. She can sleep with who she likes. She doesn’t owe you an explanation. Had she told you when you got back together you wouldn’t be together and have what you have now. Remember that. I get it’s a blow to you but it’s was decades ago. We all have a past, some more complicated than others. Neither of them owe or owed you an explanation. Nobody cheated on you. Nobody betrayed you or kept secrets. You’re not automatically owed a list of people your spouse slept with just because you’re married. It’s simply not your business. You’re coming across all victim, hurt, betrayed, lied to (by omission). Value what you have, don’t fuck that up. And your wife and friend don’t owe you an apology. Don’t push them away or punish them. Or you will lose them both.

Every single cell of your wife's body, of your BF's body, and of your body

Every single cell

Is replaced every 7 years. None of you has a cell left in your body from when this happened.

Your wife and BF made a decision not to hurt you by telling you. That may have been the wrong decision, and your BF has now decided that it WAS the wrong decision, and has told you.

Yes, it hurts, but it's something to get over, not to make any major decisions about. I truly believe you can continue to love and trust both of them.

So my feelings and decesions have no value?

How many of you who are still friends with your exes/hook ups etc have kept it a secret from your partner as you play happy families together?

No trust in a marriage means it's over.

An ex and still a significant part in their life, this is likely to lead to one thing, men will want sex at some point