AIBU to be shaken after fiancé stayed out all night?

[TheBlueRobin]

My fiance (M33) didn't come home last night after a night out in our nearest city. I (F33) am so shocked my anger hasn't kicked in yet. We get married in 7 weeks.

He had this night out planned for a little while, going out with a work friend for some food and one of those interactive game places to do darts etc. Later in the night he bumped into a mutual friend of ours who I know is a big drinker and one for nights out. The last time I heard from him was 9:30 where he sent a selfie of the two of them and a comment about our friend's crazy stories. He said he was getting the last train at 11:30 so would be home around midnight. So I went to sleep.

I wake up at 6am to our hungry cats, notice he is not in bed or the spare room and nothing on the Ring doorbell to show he had come home. I presumed he had stayed at friend's house in the city and just said 'look send me a message when you wake up and I can pick you up'. He replied quite quickly saying he was getting the first train home. I asked where he slept and he gave a garbled response saying our friend left him and by that time it was 2am. He went to a late night place and then just walked around and then slept outside a church. He had a thick rain coat on but I was so shocked at his response and disregard for his own personal safety. He had just been paid so could have afforded a taxi or got a cheap hotel or something. He was still quite drunk when I picked him up but he seemed remorseful and in fact quite shocked at his actions. He's sleeping it off now and we'll talk later. It was pouring with rain outside as well.

For context, my partner does like a drink but is not a frequent drinker. His last crazy night out was his stag in June and before that a few months before. We do drink together. I have no concerns about him cheating or anything like being aggressive. But it feels like a switch goes in his head and he just has no regard for his actions and keeps drinking.

He is a good, loving, kind, funny man, he is very loving, affectionate and we have a good relationship. But this has thrown me. If this happened more frequently I wouldn't be with him. If this was earlier in our relationship, it would be a big red flag. We got together in our mid twenties when this kind of thing could be laughed off as part of youth but at 33 you should know better.

He's letting you know what married life is going to be like; pushing the boundaries, testing to see how much you'll put up with and what he can get away with.

He had a one night stand and you went to pick him up afterwards. !
wow - he’s hit the jackpot with you hasn’t he !

wake up - he didn’t sleep outside a church ! Don’t be so gullible and naive .

So 3 crazy nights out this year alone?

far too much for me. You know you will be posting on here again with a baby in tow.

this sounds far too dodgy.

And a huge coincidence that he ‘bumped’ into a mutual friend?? Unless there’s only one social place in a tiny town, that’s a very huge coincidence

Have you considered that he might have been arrested and in jail overnight.

He could’ve stayed at the “late-night place” aka strip club or casino until closing, say 4/5am, then thought, I’ve only got an hour or so to kill, I’ll just sit here on this church porch out of the rain for a bit until I can get the first train home. As opposed to being snuggled up on a step in the pouring rain for 4 hours.
Or of course the whole church thing was bs.

Whatever he was up to sounds v dodgy.

Slept outside a graveyard

😅

Yeah right

People who don't have an off switch when it comes to alcohol shouldn't drink. Sleeping outside a church well my son actually did that so not as implausible as some might think.

I hope you sort it.

How far was this night out from where you live? How much would a taxi be?
It sounds very odd. I’d be thinking he’d met a woman in the last bar, gone back to hers and then got the first train home.
I’d be speaking with the mutual friend before your fiancé wakes up.

Because he was pissed. I once slept in a wheelie bin. It was a great night!

I’m not sure I believe the strange walking round them slept in a church. More likely is that he went somewhere he doesn’t want to say. If his friend left him, why did he stay, who was he with? You’re a lot more trusting than I would be in this situation.

That's just sad.

That's not funny.
There are some homeless people who have nowhere else to sleep, and I doubt they think it's a "great night"

He went to a late night place and then just walked around and then slept outside a church

What is a "late night place"?

Only he knows if he's cheated, but it doesn't look good. Also, his friend sounds like a complete idiot. My partner had a friend like this, and thank God he moved away and is bad at keeping in touch.

He is a good, loving, kind, funny man, he is very loving, affectionate.

That's not the vibe I'm getting. At the very least, he's extremely inconsiderate.

I wouldn't be bothered if what he said is true. But I'm afraid I wouldn't be inclined to believe this tall tale.

You're gullible to believe the church story.

I don't really see why you should be 'shaken'.

A grown man got pissed and stayed out all night. Nothing bad whatsoever happened to him. The end.

He should've told you he wasn't coming home. So tell him he needs to tell you next time to stop you worrying. But you shouldn't have offered to come and collect him! He's not a 12 year old.

Honestly if this isn't a frequent occurrence I'd just think of it as a silly anecdote. And probably take the piss out of him a bit but no point being angry.

No, shagged someone else

sorry 😟

late night place....walked around....slept outside a church....
I would not be inclined to believe a word of this

A very respectable friend of mine once spent a night on a park bench in Hastings.

He wasn't even spectacularly pissed, but he'd been working really long hours for weeks, had a few drinks with colleagues to celebrate finishing the project, then fell asleep on the last train home from the city and ended up on the south coast after the last train back had gone.

Of course, these days he'd just sort an Uber, but this was in the early 80s when such things hadn't been invented.

Thanks for all the replies. I managed to have a normal conversation with him a few hours ago after he had slept for the whole day.

He reiterated that our friend left him in a bar, he went to a late night bar thinking that some other people were there, then he went to the train station, then wondered around, found himself on a bench by a church under a tree. However I do believe him as I know what he's like when he's had a lot to drink and it wouldn't be anything untoward.

I did tell him he's a fucking idiot to be so fucking reckless and have such a lack of personal responsibility and accountability. He was in a city with a high level of homelessness and crime, anything could have happened. I said I'm not even angry, it's beyond that but I am so disappointed and feel so sad. He lost his very expensive ear phones and I said good, he deserved to have some consequences of his actions.

He does however feel very shaken up and shocked at his own behaviour and vowed it won't happen again, he has apologised repeatedly etc. He has had he will give up drink all together. So I'm going to mull on it this week and see how I feel.

I rang my best friend who knows him and she agrees he wouldn't be hiding anything and that he loves me, but she doesn't blame me for questioning our future.

So did you check his apple or Google maps? Do you not have each other on life 365 or similar??

No, she had a conversation and moved on, a good result

Postpone getting married for a year. See if he can act like a responsible person before you have kids

@TheBlueRobin he seems really upset with himself and promised to stop
drinking. Yeah he has done something he shouldn’t have . Sounds guilty as hell .

I agree. The remorse he’s feeling is disproportionate to what he’s saying he did.