AIBU to be shaken after fiancé stayed out all night?

[TheBlueRobin]

My fiance (M33) didn't come home last night after a night out in our nearest city. I (F33) am so shocked my anger hasn't kicked in yet. We get married in 7 weeks.

He had this night out planned for a little while, going out with a work friend for some food and one of those interactive game places to do darts etc. Later in the night he bumped into a mutual friend of ours who I know is a big drinker and one for nights out. The last time I heard from him was 9:30 where he sent a selfie of the two of them and a comment about our friend's crazy stories. He said he was getting the last train at 11:30 so would be home around midnight. So I went to sleep.

I wake up at 6am to our hungry cats, notice he is not in bed or the spare room and nothing on the Ring doorbell to show he had come home. I presumed he had stayed at friend's house in the city and just said 'look send me a message when you wake up and I can pick you up'. He replied quite quickly saying he was getting the first train home. I asked where he slept and he gave a garbled response saying our friend left him and by that time it was 2am. He went to a late night place and then just walked around and then slept outside a church. He had a thick rain coat on but I was so shocked at his response and disregard for his own personal safety. He had just been paid so could have afforded a taxi or got a cheap hotel or something. He was still quite drunk when I picked him up but he seemed remorseful and in fact quite shocked at his actions. He's sleeping it off now and we'll talk later. It was pouring with rain outside as well.

For context, my partner does like a drink but is not a frequent drinker. His last crazy night out was his stag in June and before that a few months before. We do drink together. I have no concerns about him cheating or anything like being aggressive. But it feels like a switch goes in his head and he just has no regard for his actions and keeps drinking.

He is a good, loving, kind, funny man, he is very loving, affectionate and we have a good relationship. But this has thrown me. If this happened more frequently I wouldn't be with him. If this was earlier in our relationship, it would be a big red flag. We got together in our mid twenties when this kind of thing could be laughed off as part of youth but at 33 you should know better.

I’d be digging further but if it’s a one off I couldn’t get too worked up.

If this were me I’d be getting absolute clarity on what happened, where he was (that sleeping outside a church story doesn’t ring true at all) before any wedding took place. I don’t think he’s telling you the truth.

Why would he walk around from 2am and sleep outside a church instead of getting a taxi home though?

Bit weird but I’d definitely try and get to the bottom of it more. He could’ve called you to pick him up at 2am, surely?

Back in the day, it pissed me off when DH (mainly before marriage) used to not get back until really late and not message to say he was staying out longer, he always said he didn’t want to wake me but I said I’d rather he did so I wouldn’t think he’d died in a ditch. He thought I’d just wake up in the morning and he’d be there. Make sure you
communicate your expectations and needs too.,

Lots of men don’t seem to have an off switch when they start drinking.
one of my neighbours pointed out that we shouldn’t have a street party on a Sunday because he’d not be able to drink as he had work on Monday…he didn’t want to acknowledge that he could just not get completely drunk.
At 33 I’d be wanting to see a bit of self preservation kicking in.

I'm sorry this doesn't sound like you are getting the full.story. 2am is not an unusual time for someone to get a taxi home. Why are you so convinced he has not cheated? It is the most obvious explanation for where he has been.

Sounds like the big drinker probably encouraged your finance and he was very drunk! Story sounds plausible - getting a taxi or uber after last trains have gone can be an absolute nightmare, often a 1hr wait or just no availability so I can see how he thought going to a late night place seemed like a good idea to wait it out and then trying to get a taxi later! Then he probably just felt sleepy from all the booze - you get lots of sleepy people on the late trains - I always have to set an alarm so I don’t miss my stop after a night out. So a nice church bench at 2am would seem like a good place to “rest” and after a long week and drinks people fall asleep at 2/3am

I don’t think this is unusual in your 30s either especially if you don’t go out drinking often, people have less experience to judge when to slow down / stop drinking so I disagree at 33 “should know better” … 53 maybe! .

If he has an iPhone, go to Apple Maps, click on his icon and then places and visited places, you should be able to see where he’s been in the last 24 hours; I highly doubt a church was one of them 🤷‍♀️

@MagneticSquirrel you don’t think staying out drinking alone and choosing to apparently sleep on a park bench for the night is unusual in your 30s?!? What??

We've all been there. Sounds like a good night out!

33 is a bit old for drinking so much as sleeping in a graveyard. He should know better.

Well, I wouldn't believe that story personally.

Slept outside a church? Yeah, right.

Sounds highly suspicious to me.

I’ve had some wild nights over the years but I’ve always always found a taxi, a lift or stayed with a friend…. OR I’ve pulled and gone home with them. I’ve never slept rough or know anyone who has. Very odd Op.

I can say I’ve never not managed to get myself home and slept outside in the rain when I could have easily got myself a taxi or called for someone to get me . Same for DH.

Im not sure why you are so convinced he hasn’t cheated. That’s very likely I am sorry to say.

oh thats a crock of nonsense, but you know this already. Good luck getting the truth.

Er, no we haven’t.

Doesn't sound like he has cheated given the state he was in but these kinds of heavy drinking nights are awful and really not compatible with being married and grown up, and especially not with being a parent. June was only 2 months ago. Every 2-3 months is pretty frequent.

Strange thing to do but if the taxi situation is bad where you live then it could be plausible. He was probably really drunk , in that state I doubt he could perform sexually so hopefully he hasn't cheated. If he was making up excuses he could have said he went back to the friend's house and fell asleep there. As a pp said you could check his maps.

Nothing ruins a night out more than paying £££ for a taxi home at the end. At the time if can seem sensible to wait for the first train!

Do you believe the sleeping outdoors story @TheBlueRobin ?

that, together with him making sure you didn’t collect him this morning makes me think this is all bollocks

Yeah, right. It's not too late to call off the wedding, don't fall into the 'sunk cost fallacy'. If it would have been a red flag for you earlier on, it's not less of a red flag just because you have a wedding booked. He was probably with another woman. Sleeping outside a church? I don't believe a word of it.

😂😂😂 Really?? You think we’ve all slept all night outside a church? Ffs! 🤦‍♀️

Yeah, sorry I'm not sure I would believe he slept in a church yard. It's a bit like he panicked and when asked he thought "think of somewhere better than where I actually was..... church!"

It doesn't mean he cheated, but I don't feel like you've got the full story