AIBU to be shaken after fiancé stayed out all night?

[TheBlueRobin]

My fiance (M33) didn't come home last night after a night out in our nearest city. I (F33) am so shocked my anger hasn't kicked in yet. We get married in 7 weeks.

He had this night out planned for a little while, going out with a work friend for some food and one of those interactive game places to do darts etc. Later in the night he bumped into a mutual friend of ours who I know is a big drinker and one for nights out. The last time I heard from him was 9:30 where he sent a selfie of the two of them and a comment about our friend's crazy stories. He said he was getting the last train at 11:30 so would be home around midnight. So I went to sleep.

I wake up at 6am to our hungry cats, notice he is not in bed or the spare room and nothing on the Ring doorbell to show he had come home. I presumed he had stayed at friend's house in the city and just said 'look send me a message when you wake up and I can pick you up'. He replied quite quickly saying he was getting the first train home. I asked where he slept and he gave a garbled response saying our friend left him and by that time it was 2am. He went to a late night place and then just walked around and then slept outside a church. He had a thick rain coat on but I was so shocked at his response and disregard for his own personal safety. He had just been paid so could have afforded a taxi or got a cheap hotel or something. He was still quite drunk when I picked him up but he seemed remorseful and in fact quite shocked at his actions. He's sleeping it off now and we'll talk later. It was pouring with rain outside as well.

For context, my partner does like a drink but is not a frequent drinker. His last crazy night out was his stag in June and before that a few months before. We do drink together. I have no concerns about him cheating or anything like being aggressive. But it feels like a switch goes in his head and he just has no regard for his actions and keeps drinking.

He is a good, loving, kind, funny man, he is very loving, affectionate and we have a good relationship. But this has thrown me. If this happened more frequently I wouldn't be with him. If this was earlier in our relationship, it would be a big red flag. We got together in our mid twenties when this kind of thing could be laughed off as part of youth but at 33 you should know better.

We met some online friends in London once and one of them got so drunk, he couldn't get a taxi as he was incapable of telling the driver where he wanted to go. He ended up sleeping in our hotel room. His poor girlfriend was ringing his phone all night, being female I didn't want to answer it in case it made things worse!

If your fiance is coherent and able to get the train home at 6.00 am, I'm sure that he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't have found a taxi or ordered an Uber.

My ex-husband used to get so drunk on a night hout that he was completely out of action for all of the following day, as well as vomiting everywhere. He still managed to get himself home.

Seems odd to be honest. Is he so drunk that he can't string a sentence together, let alone order a taxi for himself??!!! Most people wouldn't have been walking around for hours, or sleeping outside a church, if they had the financial means to go home! Do you live a long way from where your partner has been drinking? Taxis aren't cheap, would it have cost a fortune? Was he trying to save himself a few quid??!!!

Did you have rain overnight? Does he look as if he slept outside?! It's been windy overnight where I live and the rain started around 6 am, this morning, and it's still raining!

You need a conversation with him, once he's sobered up.

I had a boyfriend once who would do stuff like this every now and then. He’d get so drunk he was incoherent, made stupid decisions, lost clothing or wallet etc. I was once going home from a night out and found him sitting asleep in a shop doorway. It was immature and really embarassing even though I was a lot younger than him. He has a baby now and I thank god that it’s not me at home doing night feedings on a Saturday night while he’s literally asleep on the street

Take note OP, this could be your future.

Slept outside a church, hilarious 🤣. Is that because he’s so wholesome? I wouldn’t believe that for a second.

Ah the old ‘friend left him’ excuse. He’s definitely not telling you the full story. Doesn’t mean another women is involved but he’s holding something back. Be interested if he suddenly develops a (Colombian) cold from that church bench…

Since his last update was that he'd be home around midnight (I'm assuming you live together), I'd have been worried if I woke up at 6 and there had been no word from him!

I don't know why people are being weird about the church; for an actually destitute person wanting some shelter/a safe place to sleep until first light it's one of the most logical options. (Of course, that could be an argument that he's made up a classic story as much as that it's the truth.) IF he had plenty of money/credit and this is truly what he did then I'd guess he was too drunk to navigate getting to a friend's house or paying for a hotel or taxi, but it's also possible he'd spent all his money.

Talk to him once he's lucid; there's no point if he's still drunk. Make it clear that whatever happened, he has to tell you the truth. Then use your instincts and common sense to see if you believe him. But you're not wrong to be upset; it's potentially worrying behaviour and it did/does impact you so fair enough to insist on getting the real story, at least.

Please OP, listen to the women who know.

This.

Please don't get worked up OP.

I would agree it’s very unusual but it has been known. My DH has a long term friend who has form for this and he’s in his forties. In my opinion it’s deeply unattractive and there’s no way I’d want to live with someone who did that at that age. By the 30s it’s definitely time to have grown out of it.

I wouldn’t be happy with this. The staying out, or his story. There’s something else that has gone on. Good luck getting to the bottom of it.

It's one night out - much better than him coming home and disturbing you in a possibly drunken state. Give this poor guy a break and .augh it off.

Err, speak for yourself. I've never been so drunk I've slept outside a church in the pissing rain at 2am instead of just...going home.

What a load of bollocks!

I’m not buying the sleeping out bit.

I think there is more to this, why would his friend dump him at 2am, why not get a taxi. Think you have got something to worry about sorry but maybe a STi test ? Most men would rather get home to there own bed rather than church steps. Sorry OP bug your in denial

Does he remember which church, you can check if it has somewhere to sleep.

I wouldn’t be annoyed if he let me know and it was a one off.
Just not coming home with no explanation is out of order.
Also not being able to explain where he spent the night would make me suspicious he was with another woman

Why did his friend leave him? What does he mean? He then went to a late night place.? Does he mean he carried on on his own and went to some late night venue and carried on drinking by himself?
A venue that continued to sell alcohol to a heavily inebriated lone man?

And then he wandered off and fell asleep in church grounds

😐😑😐😑😐

Ok so by "late night place" he means he went to a strip club. If you're ok with that then that's fine but just want to make sure you understand.

Why didn't he simply go back and stay at his friends. I agree that people can wait for the train in a station. So what was he doing sleeping in a church and wandering around. You'd already said you'd pick up.
I've picked up DH when he's missed the last train so he knows he can all as your DP obviously could.

He's not telling you the truth.

No, it's not that they 'don't have an off switch' they do, some choose to use it, the rest of the idiot men just don't because they CHOOSE not to.

Low low bar....

Sounds fishy