To think friendship is hard for childless/childfree women

[Percypiggz]

Especially in your 30s, or maybe its just the friends I've had. My school friends mostly have children now and I last saw them in December. I travel to them every time, they have never been to where I live, I always go to soft play etc and accommodate them, I get 0 back. If I don't contact them, nothing will happen, but I know the ones with kids do meet up themselves still.

Join a club is the usual suggestion, and it can be useful but it's not a guarantee. I went to a women's only group called 'girlsonthego' and was the only person not in the 18-25 bracket. I do an evening class which i enjoy, there are 5 of us and I am the only person not over 60/still in full-time work.

I've been to groups suggested on the 'meetup' app, but unfortunately some men saw it as a dating opportunity even though I am married and obviously not looking, I wasn't comfortable being approached by them.

So I feel a bit lost really, I do have friends but all very casual. Sometimes I feel it's better that way because I don't get pressure to do expensive things, friends who aren't real friends, who are in competition with you, insecure, talk behind your back and so on. But it is harder if you aren't a parent, anyone got any tips? I work Saturdays so I can't do parkruns

Are you in Liverpool? I met my 2 best friends through them we are 35 - 40. DM me xx

Your best friend must have the patience of a bloody saint, because there is no way on this planet I would be spending my time as a child-free adult hanging out with someone else’s kids.

Shes amazing, the most genuine, lovely person, I am so lucky 🥰

My long-standing best friend is child free and we’ve never had issues wrt my having children (now adults themselves). She’s been more of an aunt figure and I made sure I saw her on her own regularly too. Dh would be w the DC or she’d come round. I def didn’t except her to come to soft play, that’s for sure!!

She also had a little group of single women to hang with in our 20s/30s (sadly all have partners now except her - not all have kids though).

quite frankly your friends sound a bit rubbish. How long have you known them?

We're only 31, who knows if she'll have children. We've never been to soft play together.

This weekend will be a local food and drink festival, we go to coffee shops for croissants, to the park for a picnic, for a walk in woodland or around a lake, museums, for ice cream. We do a lot of what we used to do, but with my little boy in tow!

Yes, shes amazing. Her dad was a solo parent (like me) so she really gets it and is such a brilliant friend.

I do realise how lucky I am and tell her so. I'm not explaining it very well, but it is very much a two way friendship, ie the other day after leaving my house she messaged to thank me for listening to her while she ranted. We both get things from the friendship. I probably do get more right now, but that will change in the future and has been more equal in the past, ie before my child i would regularly take her/pick her up from work before she got her own car, including at midnight up to like 30 minutes away. I didnt hold that against her then, and i know this isnt comparable as a child is a looooot more, but she doesnt hold it against me. We are truly lifelong friends.

I get what you mean but friendships are supposed to be fun - I don’t want someone to feel they are having to make an effort to maintain our friendship.

They key is other child free friends (maybe I'm lucky that a couple of my longstanding good friends also didn't have children) and friends with older children who are out of the all-consuming under-12 phase.

I understand how much it sucks when close friends have children and your friendship changes overnight, irrevocably. No one's to blame, but it's really hard, I've really struggled with it. A lot depends on their own attitude, priorities and setups, sometimes you just have to take 10 steps back for a few years. Try not to take it personally and remain open to properly reviving your friendship after the early years are over. But you do need other friends in the meantime. Clubs/activities popular with gay men might be a good call.

If that works for you, great. Personally I can’t be arsed to hang around waiting for someone to decide that they can now make time for me. Like a PP, I would feel used.

There's often threads about how hard it is to make friends on here and so many responses agreeing how nigh on impossible it is. Sometimes it's because an OP has got kids - this time it's because the OP hasn't got kids.

I have never had any trouble making friends and my life is very normal in a small town of 13,000 people.

I smile a lot, I'm empathetic, take an interest in others and make them laugh. I don't worry about whether they like me or not.

I have wonderful friends of all ages and I make sure they know how much I appreciate them. I'm actually oversubscribed and often have to turn invitations down.

Someone here will no doubt tell me I'm a heartless arsehole 😄

I was just thinking how hard it is to make friends as a parent of young kids who take up all your time. I am a solo parent with limited childcare who also works long hours, and my goodness, making plans to meet with anyone is actually surprisingly difficult. Maybe its just harder to meet people now then it was in the past.

Before I had kids though, I was always available to travel to meet friends. I often made the effort for friends with young kids (tolerating the playgrounds), and now I think I was a really kind friend!

I don't think you quite get it. When you've got little kids (especially more than one) it's about daily survival. It's honestly not about losing interest in people at all - it's just I've got small people who can literally do fuck all for themselves. Evenings are difficult because you've got the drag of dinner/bed/bath. By the time this is accomplished, you're pushing 8 pm at best. It could take at least 45 minutes to reach a friend, you're not really going to meet until 9. Sure, you might have an hour together, get home at 11. Does that seem worth it when you're exhausted? Especially if you've still got wake ups and early starts. Weekends you might be a bit better off, but stealing time just isn't easy.

You've also got the element that parenthood is completely overstimulating. You're touched-out, people have been laughing/screaming/crying every second, you've been managing insane demands and preventing severe head trauma all day. It's beautiful but Jesus Christ you get to the end of the day and just want a good stare into the middle distance.

We're in the position that very few of our friends have kids. It's tough feeling out of the loop, and we keep up where we can in group chat banter and such. We love eachother enough that our child free friends know this is just a season for us - in a few short years we'll be able to do more.

To be told we just need to try harder, on top of everything else, is a bit of a kick in the teeth.