To think friendship is hard for childless/childfree women

[Percypiggz]

Especially in your 30s, or maybe its just the friends I've had. My school friends mostly have children now and I last saw them in December. I travel to them every time, they have never been to where I live, I always go to soft play etc and accommodate them, I get 0 back. If I don't contact them, nothing will happen, but I know the ones with kids do meet up themselves still.

Join a club is the usual suggestion, and it can be useful but it's not a guarantee. I went to a women's only group called 'girlsonthego' and was the only person not in the 18-25 bracket. I do an evening class which i enjoy, there are 5 of us and I am the only person not over 60/still in full-time work.

I've been to groups suggested on the 'meetup' app, but unfortunately some men saw it as a dating opportunity even though I am married and obviously not looking, I wasn't comfortable being approached by them.

So I feel a bit lost really, I do have friends but all very casual. Sometimes I feel it's better that way because I don't get pressure to do expensive things, friends who aren't real friends, who are in competition with you, insecure, talk behind your back and so on. But it is harder if you aren't a parent, anyone got any tips? I work Saturdays so I can't do parkruns

I know that feeling. Currently got 92 unread messages 😂

Having 92 unread messages is a choice! Sorry, but I just don’t get this…

I really don’t mean this as any kind of boast, but I’ve never had any unread messages, I’ve got two kids and had a busy job for their entire lives. My husband does (and has always done) 50% which I think is the big elephant in the virtual room here.

The thread isn't about "not bothering".

PP was talking about people making little effort because they have kids. So, yes, it has evolved into that.

So I came on here to say I do think it can be just as hard to balance friendships as a parent, that I have struggled as my school friends are all child free apart from me and it has required some manoeuvres on my part to keep them which I don't feel are always fully appreciated. However, op, you have had some frankly quite petulant answers on this thread and I actually now just want to say that yes, it's ok to expect some reciprocal effort from your friends! We all have stuff going on, non parents too, if you completely drop your friends because you have had kids of course they will disappear!

For instance, I can't always go to all of a meetup with friends because of kids stuff, but I make a big effort to show my face, without kids, and catch up. Sometimes it's a pain, but I know if I call these friends in a dire emergency they have my back and I feel that is worth keeping up with, even if it means a juggle. I don't have family nearby or endless babysitting, just a partner who has done similar with his school friends, and we help each other out in this department as much as possible. My friends host me and buy me takeaway and wine and genuinely want me there to spend time with and that is mutually beneficial for us all. Yes it's an arse ache, but it would be much more of an arse ache being lonely!

It’s hard to make friends in your 30s full stop. The only sort of friends I’ve made are work friends . I am never at the school gates and most of the time I am not at work I am with my kids . The only friends I do socialise with these days are actually child free . It’s a breath of fresh air going out the seldom chance I get and not spending that time talking about rearing small children. But I don’t get to do it very often . I woudnt dream of inviting a child free friend to soft play it would be nice to have company but it’s so loud and noisy and a horrible atmosphere to catch up with a friend. I take my hat off to you for that level of effort .

It’s not an issue as I and my friends are older so some have kids and some don’t now, and I didn’t meet them until they already had older kids.

When someone starts to have kids, I understand their life and priorities are undergoing huge changes and they don’t have the time or inclination to do anything without the children. I don’t want to do child related activities.

I also don’t want to spend my time with them avoiding saying I’m tired or whatever as it tends to elicit a bit of a lecture about them being more tired than anyone else etc.

Surely it’s kinder all round to withdraw nicely rather than letting them get stressed about meeting up or whatever.

Plus it would be pretty obvious that I’m not interested in holding the baby or whatever. If someone means something to me then I don’t think it’s fair to make them feel awkward.

And that’s kind of what I mean - I don’t want to be seen as an arse ache by friends. So I let them get on with their lives surrounded by supportive people and I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to spend time with them.

Yeh to be fair I think I'm just still feeling very salty that she did what she did. The times I cancelled were all completely legitimate reasons. One was missing her husbands birthday party because my son was sick in the car on the way. Whereas I have another childless friend who has never once taken offence when I couldn't meet - she just totally gets it.
The friend who ghosted me has a 1 year old now and I hope she realises that it's much harder to juggle everything than you realise before having kids.

Nope.

You changed "very little effort" into "not bothering". They're different.

But, either way, people get caught up in the family and young kids phase of life. Then they come out of it and I think it's nice if old friendships can be rekindled.

I think the poster who said they would feel "used" if that happened would be cutting off their nose to spite their face.

And my opinion on that has not changed despite your attempt to suggest such friends were "not bothering" with their childless friends. Which wasn't what was being said anyway.

I don’t know really. None of my close friends were made through my kids and I had a child before all of them. I also have a good friend who only had her first child in her 40s. Having a baby at 25 definitely made it more difficult to socialise and retain friendships (and one ten years later). All of my close friends have been made through school, college or work- nothing to do with the kids.

@scoopsahoooy has nailed it.

My 2 best friends in the whole wide world have children and I adore them. I love spending time with them and babysit them often so that their parents can go out without them or look after them for a day or two in the school holidays (teacher). But I can still feel sad that my very dear friends and I are not able to share this life stage. I guess it’s an adjustment for a lot of women as you grow and change and it’s not as easy as it used to be to establish new friendships.

And to those suggesting doing activities to widen my friendship circle. I am throwing myself into all sorts of things but just haven’t found my new tribe yet.

I didn't change it, I was putting my own interpretation on it - because I personally would describe someone making "little effort" as someone not bothering.

Yes, people get caught up with kids but I wouldn't want to rekindle a friendship with someone who had spent years only showing minimal interest in me and my life, simply because they had kids. That's not a good friend to me.

It’s understandable that you’re upset OP, but I really think it feels more personal than it is. If your friends have babies/young children it’s really relentless, especially if you don’t have a “village”. I’m sure they hugely appreciate you going to soft plays with them, your company will have likely been a lovely tonic to what is often a mundane/stressful trip. I’m not sure if your friends are unwilling to organise things in advance or simply don’t suggest doing things proactively. My suggestion genuinely would be to ask if you could agree a future date to meet up, even if it’s a month or two away, so that that they can make the necessary arrangements. Sadly this is what life looks like sometimes when you’ve got kids, planning things way too far in advance than is ideal in order to actually see the people that you want to see!

Do you do kiddy stuff with your friends?

I am a solo parent and I see my best friend most days, or every other day. Some days she comes round for food, a chat etc when baby is asleep, sometimes she comes on days out with me, sometimes she'll come round for a brew after work and my toddler loves her so will make sure shes engaging appropriately with him! Somedays we meet at a cafe, or go for a walk, a picnic etc. She suggests things she knows my little boy will enjoy doing, its very much a two way friendship and I am so lucky to have her. I have other friends I see left often who are equally brilliant, ie we meet halfway for a coffee and a walk which suits us all.

I've actually found it very difficult to make friends since I've been a parent, especially one on her own.

You're right, OP. They disappear into a little world with their children and seem to get stuck there until the children are old enough to be off doing their own thing.😆

My solution as a childfree woman in my 30s was to make friends with some older women at work - actually women who were the sort of age I am now, i.e. in their late 40s/50s. Their children were young adults so they were free to socialise in the evenings and that sort of thing.

Now I'm that age myself, my contemporaries are out of the young children 'bubble'. I expect some of them will acquire grandchildren sooner or later but hopefully that won't be the same sort of all-encompassing tie.

I'm not saying my friends personally are a pain in the bum. I'm saying that when your life is busy and full sometimes it can feel like hard work to maintain friendships, wether that is because someone has a child, or a sick relative, or a new difficult job, or a boyfriend they're obsessed with, or they've joined a cult....and I think it's worth trying anyway

Erm. I love that you’re outraged on my friend’s behalf despite not knowing her at all or us? Good grief, take a breath 😂. All I’m saying is that our friendship has changed, I’m not a priority and that’s fine, I understand and it’s not that I don’t empathise - I even said that. It’s just not the same and it’s one sided effort wise. I understand how OP feels. Not that I need to even justify it but her husband works from home, his mum lives round the corner, she doesn’t work, and his brother comes round to mind them. Her mum has her kids once a week, but I get she wants to capitalise on extra help during the summer holidays and not ‘waste’ her day away from them on me, we’ve just never had a full catch up since they were born.

I always seem to find the other child free people.
Some older friendships have also picked back up now that children are older.

If you don’t want children (as opposed to not yet getting round to it) then why would you do soft play etc?

Your friend is very patient.

Hang on in there OP. It will get better. Those friends with young children will get through the early years and the friendships will probably revitalise, without the children being part of the equation. I felt exactly like you in my late 20s/thirties. The friendships have “come back” stronger than before.