To think friendship is hard for childless/childfree women

[Percypiggz]

Especially in your 30s, or maybe its just the friends I've had. My school friends mostly have children now and I last saw them in December. I travel to them every time, they have never been to where I live, I always go to soft play etc and accommodate them, I get 0 back. If I don't contact them, nothing will happen, but I know the ones with kids do meet up themselves still.

Join a club is the usual suggestion, and it can be useful but it's not a guarantee. I went to a women's only group called 'girlsonthego' and was the only person not in the 18-25 bracket. I do an evening class which i enjoy, there are 5 of us and I am the only person not over 60/still in full-time work.

I've been to groups suggested on the 'meetup' app, but unfortunately some men saw it as a dating opportunity even though I am married and obviously not looking, I wasn't comfortable being approached by them.

So I feel a bit lost really, I do have friends but all very casual. Sometimes I feel it's better that way because I don't get pressure to do expensive things, friends who aren't real friends, who are in competition with you, insecure, talk behind your back and so on. But it is harder if you aren't a parent, anyone got any tips? I work Saturdays so I can't do parkruns

I am 36 and feel similar to you. I’ve struggled with female friendships in my 30s. Definitely still try going to groups. Check out “the others club” on Instagram. It’s a childfree community, you sign up and go to meet ups. I’m pregnant now so things have changed for me, but I hope that helps you x

It’s always tough when friendships naturally begin to drift because of life stages. I had to start from scratch in my early thirties: I moved back to London following several years living elsewhere, at about the same time most of my old friends had begun leaving London. For me, it was perseverance: getting out there and saying “yes” to things - joining colleagues at the pub after work, or for the lunchtime walking gang, volunteering to bake and sell for the local historical society fundraiser when I saw a flier, going to the gym social, joining a running club; and persevering in following up with anybody I’d chatted to by getting their phone number, messaging to see if they wanted to meet up again, making that happen. It took a couple of years, but I’ve ended up with a group of wonderful, close friends, virtually all childfree as I am.

I agree with HorseandHeron, sometimes also being really open minded about where you might find friends and the age and type of person they might be is a real in-road. Through various groups and interests, I’ve met women of all ages - and honestly, plenty of 60-somethings really aren’t so different from me, at 39 - especially since we often already share interests because of how we met.

Most of my friendships are ones from childhood then a few uni friends. Of my 8 or so school friends, 3 are childfree (were early mid 40’s). The ones of us who have kids actively try and do things without the kids! Nights out, days trips, weekends abroad. My other close friend from uni doesn’t have kids but we travel to see each other a few times a year.
I think you should prob try and find new friends. Having a child is not an excuse to not see friends (in the majority of cases).

Once kids start school, things tend to change, as playdates only last for the first couple of years. You keep some mum friends, but life happens and people move away etc. Once kids are old enough to meet without parents, it tends not to be mums versus non mums, as in you don't meet at softplay etc, and whether or not you're a mum isn't really relevant to the friendship any more.
I'm not in anyway involved in this, but I'm told dogmums are the ones that stay friends and obviously can meet up as the dogs don't change friends/get old enough to arrange their own playdates etc. Obviously I would never say get a dog just to get friends, but on my socials I see the dog softplays/walks hikes and am a bit envious, looks nicer than the flipping kids' groups!

That poster was just explaining the logistics of travelling to see her friend at a distance while being a parent . I certainly didn’t see it as angry.

I was contentedly childfree until 40 (as in, I had no intention of ever having a child) and I didn’t experience this. Throughout my 20s and 30s I had friends with young children and older friends with adult children and childfree friends, but all from different parts of my life, not one longstanding group. I’m in my 50s now with a teenager, and whether or not my friends have children is even less relevant as they’re all older and more independent. I became friends with a colleague of around my age whom I assumed was childfree and had seen her several times outside of work before I discovered she had two adult children. I think that’s pretty normal once everyone is older. Children aren’t as ‘obvious’ in someone’s life once they’re living away.

ETA to add to @ComtesseDeSpair ’s point. I e also moved around a lot and have absolutely had to start from scratch multiple times, while maintaining old friendships at a distance.

I don't think this is exclusive to childfree people. I've got children and trying to line up dates to meet with friends seems impossible most of the time. Everyone is just so busy. I've been trying to arrange a childfree evening with friends for months but every date I offer they can't do. I've give up trying. Your friends would probably love some childfree time with you but just struggle to fit it in.

I am 40, no kids....and all my friends have them. Well, most do anyway, my best friend in the world is a single Mum who lives 30 minutes away. We text every day to check in and see each other once a month. Do I probably fit around her and her daughter's activities? Yes. We see films she wants to see, eat in places she likes and I have spent many a trip out at the zoo or soft play.

But I love her, I love her daughter. My life is far easier to mold around them. It does help she takes a genuine interest in my life and supports me through anything...and as her daughter is now at secondary school there is a light at the end of the tunnel for trips to the park 🩷

Hang in there

none of my friends have kids so I can’t relate to this. None of them even want kids yet and we’re in our early 30s, I’m the only one that desperately wants to be a mum the rest don’t.

And that's absolutely fair enough: but it;'s also fair for OP to want their friendships to include their friend prioritising them, OCCASIONALLY. A tiny bit. And if their friend can't do that, it's okay to be sad or disappointed that your friendship has completely changed through no fault of your own.

I've got friends with kids who made time, even when their kids were tiny, to have one-on-one time - even if it was just an hour for a coffee, so that not all our socialising involved the children. Childfree friends are absolutely expected (understandably) to bend over backwards to accommodate this huge shift in their friends' lives, acknowledge the importance of the children in planning everything, in most cases take an interest in/buy gifts for/be engaged in talking about the child very often, etc. And I'll do that happily: I show up for dance shows and birthday parties and pop round and help with bedtime if it means my friend gets 5 minutes to breathe. It's actually just not a lot to ask for a friend to consider in return that we might get to just be adults together, even for an hour or two, once in a blue moon.

I understand what you are saying but my social life has exploded since having children, albeit during the day (but i was never a boozer.)

School mum friends, nursery friends, NCT, baby classes all provide opportunities for friendships to develop and as much as people say ‘all you have in common is you had a child at the same time’ - that’s quite a big thing and more of a bonding thing than both liking the same music or enjoying walks or whatever!

That’s why it’s easier to stop seeing friends once they announce the first pregnancy. I wouldn’t expect them to be able to put anything into the friendship from then on but equally I am not going to hang round for however many years it takes for them to come out of the child bubble (bearing in mind if they have several, it could be 10+ years).

It is no drama, it just shows a lack of shared interest, which is when a friendship has run its course

As for going to soft play or whatever just to spend time with them - hell no! If you don’t want kids of your own, the last thing you need is to be in a place like that.

Yes, or anything that takes priority over your specific friendship. One of the things about moving around and starting from scratch in your 30s and 40s is that you’re by and large befriending people who already have established friendships that are naturally more important to them to a new one either you. And you need to deal with that. If you get huffy about people not prioritising you over something else, that was madness lies.

I think you just need to branch out where you're finding friends. I'm about to be 37, and have lots of like minded, child free friends i met through a hobby/interest. There's a huge online group of us and we're all really close.

Surely that depends on whether you have any other interests than your children?

you are 100% right op. I’ve been through about three groups in my late 20s-30s, each one dying off as people started getting married and having babies. My first group was mainly men but they couldn’t/wouldn’t maintain female friendships after they were settled and would just see the boys. My next were just women who wanted to prioritise their partners then once children were on the scene they just can’t live the same life as before.

Friendships for women are really hard at this stage, I’m hoping it gets easier again in our 40s.

So you automatically drop people as soon as they tell you they’re pregnant?

And if they miscarry or have a stillbirth, do you allow them back into the fold?

’allow them back into the fold’ - seriously? You sound quite angry about my post.

I have clearly hit a nerve somewhere...

i didn’t meet my people until my 50s but it was worth the wait

Try being a sen parent!

Totally agree with this OP. Some people can't or won't put in time to see their child free (or any) friends. You need to build a new network. It'll take time but it's so worth it. I wouldn't bother chasing people who don't have time for you, it's horrible to be on the receiving end, even if it's not bad intentions.

I’m simply responding to your strange post. You say it’s easier to drop people as soon as they make a pregnancy announcement, ie long before they start sidelining you because of an actual child. I’m asking whether, if the pregnancy doesn’t result in a child, whether you ‘undrop’ them.

That's quite sad. Have you never had a meaningful friendship? Someone you genuinely care for and would stick by when they had tough times? Your idea of friendship sounds very transactional. Like an object you disregard rather than a person with feelings. I love my friends like my family, I couldn't be so cold as to cut them off when they got pregnant.

Two of my very good friends (from 2 separate friendship groups) are single and married, one over 50 and one under and all of us see them regularly. I think they do struggle with holidays and usually go with parents but those parents are frailer now so it is hard from that perspective but they definitely have a very wide circle of friends many of whom are married with kids.

I think this is personal to you. I maintained my friendships with my child free friends when my kids were little. I didn’t have a ton of support. They would visit me, I would visit them (often with kids in tow, sometimes not). The occasional night out. And we’ve had a group chat that’s been running for about 20 years that has peaks and troughs of activity.

Kids are teens now so it’s easier but we never drifted apart.

I think hobby groups are the best way to meet people. Do you like sport? Things like hockey, netball or football are really social, also running or cycling groups.