Birthday fuss and expense for others

[Toooldforthisfuss]

What is it with women (I’ll say women as I’ve never personally known a man to do this) who want to make a huge fuss for their own birthdays, involving others spending £100s ! Not even big birthdays, say 39 or something??

I’ve got a newish friend, and we met as our daughters grew close over the last few years as they’re in the same sports activity every week. We get on, not best friends but meet for coffee etc. We have been away overnight with the girls when they compete.

Anyway, I’ve been invited to her birthday night out end of September, and she wants to go to another city by train, book a hotel etc. I’ve politely declined and said I would go to a local night for for a meal or something. I’m not paying for hotels, travel, food, drinks etc for someone’s birthday. I would never expect anyone to spend that on me, and I can’t believe anyone thinks it normal to ask others to drop loads of money to celebrate them.

Before anyone says, just say no, you can decline etc. Well I’ve declined and she’s messaged away from the group chat she set up, to say she’s disappointed I can’t make it and asked why?

I haven’t replied yet but I’ll be honest and say I’m not paying £300 or more for a night out.

Is it just me who would never ask people to fork out hundreds of pounds for their birthdays. If people are willing to, that’s great and have fun, but if they decline why question it?

Weddings I understand, spending money on my kids, happy to! Same with my husband and parents big birthdays, happy to go all out, but I’ve been asked to spend about £300 on someone’s birthday, said no, and I’m being asked why??

With my absolute best friends, we just go out for a meal, no fuss.

Years ago, someone else wanted me to spend nearly all I had in savings to go to Vegas for her wedding, and I said no to that, and she was put out by that too! (And got divorced a year after the wedding).

AIBU here?

I would be embarrassed to ask someone to spend that much on me.

I feel the same. It’s a lot to ask anyone. Even if you haven’t got any money problems, why would you expect anyone else to spend that much money celebrating just a normal birthday?

Hi friend
Sorry it is out of my budget at the moment

I mean it depends on circumstances and the type of thing you enjoy, but I love a night away with my friends, and these days it happens once in a blue moon, so I would jump at the chance if someone else organised it. I can also see why it wouldn’t appeal to some, or might be too much to spend at a particular time, that’s fine too. I think it’s harsh to take offence at. I would be glad she wanted to spend time with you, wish her a great time and a happy birthday.

Interesting, this is the complete opposite of all of my female friends, where the usual trend is that they make a fuss of their kids/partners birthdays etc but when it comes to their own they’re expected to be happy with a last minute, thoughtless gift and to cook their own birthday meal!

Omg this. Birthdays for adults in general. Going on holiday and mixing seeing relatives and there’s always someone’s birthday that must be celebrated. Can’t I just travel somewhere and have a good time without having to devote myself to someone else’s adulation? Likewise, the sheer volume of grannies and cousins. It’s Dorothy’s birthday? Really? Again?

For my own birthday my husband and kids so make a fuss, so I’m lucky there. We all make a fuss for each others birthdays. I say fuss, it’s gifts, a meal out or I’ll take my kids and friends to an activity of their choosing. I expect to for my family. I don’t expect to be asked why I don’t want to spend £300 on someone else’s birthday. It’s thrown me if im honest

It’s quite normal in my friendship group to have a night or weekend away for a big birthday, but then everyone enjoys it and is more than happy to spend the money. Normal birthday would generally just be a meal out and some drinks at the pub.

Adults acknowledging their own birthday is embarrassing and un-British.

Simply because they might enjoy it too? I love a night or weekend away, have several throughout the year, to me it’s not just ‘celebrating’ the birthday person, it’s actually doing something enjoyable for me too.

Acknowledging if people want can be a local night out, same with hen nights

Every year they get grander if people said no more it would lessen

This is so ridiculous 🙄.

I wonder if people just like a big night out, think others do too, and are using the birthday as an excuse? But in that situation I would specifically not tie it to a birthday - just "I really fancy a night away, is anyone else up for it?' In general I think you should pay for your own birthday party, so a hotel and night out only if I could afford to pay for everyone.

Is it just me who would never ask people to fork out hundreds of pounds for their birthdays. If people are willing to, that’s great and have fun, but if they decline why question it?
Weddings I understand, spending money on my kids, happy to! Same with my husband and parents big birthdays, happy to go all out, but I’ve been asked to spend about £300 on someone’s birthday, said no, and I’m being asked why??

Seems to be two different questions being asked here. I’ll answer the first one YES it’s reasonable to ask people - because they can decline. It’s an invite not a summons.

Secondly, no it’s NOT reasonable to challenge people when they’ve said no. It’s massively rude of her to ask you why or make you feel bad about it in any way.

A group of me and my friends went to a European city for my 30th. Some declined and that was fine. The ones who went either got to see a new city or revisit one they’ve already been to and liked. We all had a brilliant time.

I have spent hundreds attending peoples wedding and baby showers - whereas if I ever do get married I plan to elope. And not everyone will have kids. I don’t know if I will.

Why is it reasonable for people to ask me to spend money on a baby shower or a wedding (and in some cases I’ve not seen those friends after the wedding!) but I can’t ask them to spend money for a birthday?

Look - I’ve declined birthday trips, hen parties and weddings and baby showers . I’ve also attended all those things. Anyone can invite you to anything and anyone can decline. No one should be offended on either side.

This has never happened in amongst my friends. We might meet up for a meal or just drinks. Only big birthday bash Ive been to in recent years was MIL’s and it was a garden party BBQ. It didn’t cost people anything to attend, but it did cost us a lot to organise it.

Exactly, I went up to wales for a friends birthday and had a fab time enjoying my first time ever in wales as well as celebrating my friend and getting to know her family more. If I didn’t want to go I’d have said no. Simple. 😂

To me it’s an absolute non-issue - except of course in the case of OP’s friend where she has quite rudely asked OP to justify herself.

I’d be tempted to reply ‘I don’t like you quite enough to justify spending that sort of money’. 😂

It’s interesting that in our supposedly feminist society traditionally the only two events that’s been acceptable to celebrate women in a big way are marriage and having babies. Especially when the first often marks the start of a lot of misery tbh with half of marriages ending in divorces.

I am glad that’s changing.

I now see women doing big celebrations sometimes including gift registries for divorces, pHD graduations, first time (solo) home owner ownership and 40th or other milestone birthdays.

I think it's rubbish to say adults shouldn't celebrate birthdays! But equally I think expecting others to fork out £££ on a massive celebration for a random birthday is ridiculous. By all means expect a fuss from family but don't get huffy if someone doesn't want to drop £300 on a night away to toast the fact you've 38.

Just say you don’t have the time & your other commitments need you to be around. I agree, it’s ridiculous!

I think it's perfectly ok for her to want to celebrate her birthday with her friends and to invite you it's also perfectly ok for you to decline the invitation. It's not ok for her to then send you a message to say she's disappointed or ask you why you don't want to go

I voted YABU both because YABU to be judgey about a woman daring to celebrate and making a fuss of herself, and also because I hate it when people say they are spending X amount ON someone else. No, her birthday might be the impetus for the occasion but YOU will be drinking the drinks, eating the food, sleeping in the hotel etc. You are paying for yourself to enjoy those things.

However, she is B very U for guilt tripping you to go. It's fine for her to want to spend however much on her birthday, do whatever she fancies, and to invite whoever she wants, but she has to accept that people are under no obligation to go, and of course the more expensive and elaborate the celebrations the bigger the likelihood people will say no.

It's not unreasonable of her to invite you, but equally not unreasonable for you to say no.

You cant afford it, job done. No need to expand further

Yez people can celebrate and spend want they want on their own birthday jusy don't do the pouty tantrum one hand on the hip 'i am very disappointed in you' routine

I’m with you. I’ve been on lots of birthdays and hen dos that’ve involved a night or two away over the years and I’ve never considered it as spending money on the person being celebrated. I’m spending the money on me having fun with my friends and I’ve enjoyed nightlife in different parts of the country as a result.

If that’s not your thing, don’t go but I certainly wouldn’t view it as someone is expecting you to spend hundreds of pounds ‘on them’.