Birthday fuss and expense for others

[Toooldforthisfuss]

What is it with women (I’ll say women as I’ve never personally known a man to do this) who want to make a huge fuss for their own birthdays, involving others spending £100s ! Not even big birthdays, say 39 or something??

I’ve got a newish friend, and we met as our daughters grew close over the last few years as they’re in the same sports activity every week. We get on, not best friends but meet for coffee etc. We have been away overnight with the girls when they compete.

Anyway, I’ve been invited to her birthday night out end of September, and she wants to go to another city by train, book a hotel etc. I’ve politely declined and said I would go to a local night for for a meal or something. I’m not paying for hotels, travel, food, drinks etc for someone’s birthday. I would never expect anyone to spend that on me, and I can’t believe anyone thinks it normal to ask others to drop loads of money to celebrate them.

Before anyone says, just say no, you can decline etc. Well I’ve declined and she’s messaged away from the group chat she set up, to say she’s disappointed I can’t make it and asked why?

I haven’t replied yet but I’ll be honest and say I’m not paying £300 or more for a night out.

Is it just me who would never ask people to fork out hundreds of pounds for their birthdays. If people are willing to, that’s great and have fun, but if they decline why question it?

Weddings I understand, spending money on my kids, happy to! Same with my husband and parents big birthdays, happy to go all out, but I’ve been asked to spend about £300 on someone’s birthday, said no, and I’m being asked why??

With my absolute best friends, we just go out for a meal, no fuss.

Years ago, someone else wanted me to spend nearly all I had in savings to go to Vegas for her wedding, and I said no to that, and she was put out by that too! (And got divorced a year after the wedding).

AIBU here?

I know a few ladies like this! However I would say they were the drama queens and self involved members of the group we were in. Is your friend like this?!

I would also happily say I can’t spend that amount of money on that. I do speak up though about that- we had a few hens and over seas weddings and it got ridiculous so I’ve since become very good at not letting people spend my money for me! Please send her a message on the group and say- others will be pleased. You can do it politely but say - train, meal and hotel is out of my budget but sounds amazing so have a great time! Type thing

The problem here is her not accepting your no!

I sort of see both sides

For me -there aren’t enough social things arranged in general. When I look back at my life those sorts of gatherings and getaways are the absolute highlight. When they do happen it’s often me that arranges them so I love when someone else does.

I wouldn’t begrudge the money if I had it, I’d be glad to be invited

the reality is though I probably wouldn’t have the money, would have to decline , and would then wish they’d done something local and simple.

I mean - she could just invite you round and cook for you all 🤷‍♀️

Your friend can have whatever birthday celebration she wants, however over the top. She is definitely very rude to demand an explanation about why you have (politely) declined the invitation.

I agree with you, OP. I object to other people spending my money for me. My DH’s son and wife are like this. They are a bit ‘we are the centre of the universe’ too and will chop and change venues and dates and expect everyone to fall in with the plans as if no one else has a life.
I find adults making a big fuss about ordinary birthdays a bit soft tbh but if that’s what they want, fair enough. However, I do object to little hissy fits when people decline

That doesn't sound like much fun for the birthday girl!

I think if I had the money and I thought it would be enjoyable enough to warrant the spend, I would do it. I assume you are not subsidising her so although it's 'for her birthday', you are paying for your own experience. If it's not something you fancy, don't do it.

In terms of an explanation; I would be honest and say that you can't justify that amount of money for a weekend away with friends.

I would spend that amount ... and more... if it were a joint trip for a joint hobby/interest that we had planned together, but not when I've been summoned to an event that isn't really my thing.

This is how I feel.
My 2 best friends, on our next big birthday which is 2 years away we’ve decided to do a joint weekend somewhere like Spain or Paris. It will be the 3 of us, somewhere we all fancy, no one else will be expected to pay anything. We all have birthdays the same year so it’s for all of us. I rarely go away without my husband and kids and I’m fine with that but I am looking forward to that trip, but my last birthday, I can’t imagine sending a message to 10 women saying “I want to go here, stay here, travel here and eat here”. Like who do I think I am, the Queen ? 😂
Totally take on board it’s an invitation not a summons, and I declined and was asked why? And the answer IS because she’s not special enough to spend £300 on but surely she should know that?

WTF?

Neither side should be offended. It’s her birthday, she can invite who she wants to whatever. She shouldn’t get offended by those that decline. After all, it’s an invite not a summons- to bring out that ole Mumsnet classic.
you shouldn’t be offended by what she wants to do. It’s her choice not yours.
if she pushes for an reason (which is rude) it may be she’s assuming that you want to come but can’t so she’s looking to ‘solve’ your issue.
we had that once whereby we used cost as a reason and were told our portion had been ‘paid for’.

I think asking "why" when someone declines an invitation is a very rude question

what, like the actual Monarch enjoying celebrating their birthday so much that they do it not once but twice a year, including a quiet, subtle ceremony with the armed services processing, a band playing, flyovers and tens of thousands of people spectating?

I agree with you.

I find people planning expensive trips for their birthdays or hen do’s that cost their friends hundreds or thousands of pounds bizarre. Why the fuck would I want to spend 500 quid on a trip where I get no say in where we go, stay or what we do when there?

I just find the whole “birthday week!” trope as a grown adult cringe.

I 100% agree! It just makes me cringe.

I agree with you. It's never okay to plan things that require your guests to spend a lot of money. Guests should only be expected to turn up, and to bring a resonably priced gift - the rest, all the extras, that's on the host to pay for. Want a hen-do in Ibiza? You pay for the whole thing. Want a 5-course engagement meal at an expensive restaurant? You pay for it. Want a birthday weekend away? You pay for it.

I would tell my friend, honestly, that I'm always up for celebrating anything, however, I'm inherently against people making elaborate party plans and then expect their guests to fork out for them. If 50 friends asked me to pay hundres of pounds for their birthday getaways, I'd spend half of my salary on just attending birthday parties. So, I've just decided, out of principal, to decline all invitations that require me to spend to attend.

This is hilarious. Are we just supposed to pretend it’s not our birthday? If someone organises a meal or buys us gifts should we say ‘oh golly gosh, what’s all this in aid of, is it a special occasion?’

No thanks. At most we would go out for a drink or meal with a group of friends. At my big birthdays, 30th 40th and 50th, I hired a local venue and paid for the food and drink.

No way would I go on a random weekend like this, especially for non-big birthday!

Sorry but untrue. Maybe for you.

I think going for meals or days out is nice for birthdays, for friends. I wouldn't expect to pay hundreds though. I usually have a meal with family for my birthdays. I don't like a huge fuss. But often go out for meals one on one with my friends so ends up being a few nice (cheap for us all) dinner out dates. Usually go somewhere with deals or I can use a code on.

I tend to think that, if I want to celebrate and I invite people, then I'm hosting them, feeding them. It's not usual in my friendship groups to be expected to pay loads to attend someone else's celebration.

Maybe it's normal in her friendship circle?

Some people like going over the top on their own birthdays and want lots of fuss and nights away, and others prefer a more low key affair; both are ok.

it’s the fact that with some Prima Donnas, they want this big night out, good for them; but get pissy when one of the group declines, as they can’t justify £300, or that’s not their scene etc, or for whatever reason; they then have the gall to say they are disappointed with them, and interrogate them on the reason why they are missing Queen Bee’s birthday!! This woman is not your best friend either more a DS sports mum friend. Just reiterate you cannot attend but hopes she has a lovely time

It wouldn’t be for me but then the people who I consider friends have a similar attitude to life as me.

Neither of you are wrong but you aren’t really friends, sounds like you know each other from your DDs’ activity.

God I wouldn’t even ask someone to spend £100 for my birthday!

I went to a three night thing for a friends 60th. Lovely Airbnb, included a hot tub and pool. Cost to me was £186 plus petrol and I brought food for all of us for one night (say £50 max). I’ve known my friend for over three decades and is one of my closest.
No way would anyone expect a hotel night away for a regular birthday! We normally do a lunch or dinner locally.
@Jaimelefromageyour friends need to demand more! They should have just as much fuss made of them, just don’t expect your friends to spend £300 each.