Birthday fuss and expense for others

[Toooldforthisfuss]

What is it with women (I’ll say women as I’ve never personally known a man to do this) who want to make a huge fuss for their own birthdays, involving others spending £100s ! Not even big birthdays, say 39 or something??

I’ve got a newish friend, and we met as our daughters grew close over the last few years as they’re in the same sports activity every week. We get on, not best friends but meet for coffee etc. We have been away overnight with the girls when they compete.

Anyway, I’ve been invited to her birthday night out end of September, and she wants to go to another city by train, book a hotel etc. I’ve politely declined and said I would go to a local night for for a meal or something. I’m not paying for hotels, travel, food, drinks etc for someone’s birthday. I would never expect anyone to spend that on me, and I can’t believe anyone thinks it normal to ask others to drop loads of money to celebrate them.

Before anyone says, just say no, you can decline etc. Well I’ve declined and she’s messaged away from the group chat she set up, to say she’s disappointed I can’t make it and asked why?

I haven’t replied yet but I’ll be honest and say I’m not paying £300 or more for a night out.

Is it just me who would never ask people to fork out hundreds of pounds for their birthdays. If people are willing to, that’s great and have fun, but if they decline why question it?

Weddings I understand, spending money on my kids, happy to! Same with my husband and parents big birthdays, happy to go all out, but I’ve been asked to spend about £300 on someone’s birthday, said no, and I’m being asked why??

With my absolute best friends, we just go out for a meal, no fuss.

Years ago, someone else wanted me to spend nearly all I had in savings to go to Vegas for her wedding, and I said no to that, and she was put out by that too! (And got divorced a year after the wedding).

AIBU here?

I’d say we are friends. Not best friends but we’ve spent a fair bit of time together, gone on trips with the girls. she definitely has a group of friends who are her best friends, known them years.

I’ve replied saying I can’t justify the cost when it could pay for a trip of our family of 4 to go away.

For me -there aren’t enough social things arranged in general. When I look back at my life those sorts of gatherings and getaways are the absolute highlight. When they do happen it’s often me that arranges them so I love when someone else does.

I agree with this. It's hard to get a group of friends together and the months/years pass by so quickly. Of course you can plan a gathering for no specific reason. But often when you do this, people are keen but say they are busy, want to change the date, the details go back and forth and it doesn't end up happening.

Of course you don't have to go, and if you cant afford it well that's that. But I don't think she's wrong for having the idea.

Well I feel this way about weddings and hen/stag dos too. If it costs much more than a gift and maybe a nice dress to attend then I’m not going. Extensive travel costs, especially ones necessitating the need for a hotel ain’t happening. I’d feel embarrassed asking people to do this.

That’s the thing, I can afford it, I would just rather spend my money on something else, or a family weekend away and I think it’s a bit mad that people expect that others would be happy to pay hundreds of pounds for what is really a non event in my eyes.
I wouldn’t ask anyone else to spend that much on me, or make that much effort (apart from husband and my friends when we do a joint event).
About half that were asked have said they can’t make it, so maybe there will be a smaller group doing something else. Don’t know, not my business now.

It's not in your budget. Simple. Whether you can afford it doesn't matter. You're prioritising differently. She prioritises her birthday, which is fine. You aren't going. That's also fine. Her asking why is cheeky.

I think it really excludes people. I would keep it simple and just enjoy the company. Dont reply. No need to explain.

Someone in my wider friendship group organises a meal for her birthday every year. I have been twice but each time someone says last minute when the bill is there “we will all obviously pay for the birthday girl”. Then the bill gets split even though I haven’t had as much as others so I won’t go to any more birthday meals. I just don’t have the money. I can afford my own meal and for a tip but not also to pay for the birthday girl and split the. I’ll rather than just paying for what I’ve had. You can’t announce in a group of 16 people that you don’t want to split the bill as you had less than them and you don’t want to pay for the birthday girl so I just don’t go.
I do think birthday celebrations are nice but if you don’t have/ don’t want to spend the money then that’s that.

Yes that’s a bit mad to expect people to books hotels etc. I can understand for a big birthday or special occasion but even then I would never expect people to pay and I’d be peed off if I declined an invite and was questioned!!!!

we don’t do massive things for birthdays, especially adults. We tend to get a takeaway or something. For the kids we do a day out or party/activity with friends. Some people are more party people though and love the big fuss - and that’s fine, but don’t expect everyone to be able to afford the same.

YANBU.

It’s daft , people waste money too readily.
I’ll be honest, I probably would have gone to that kind of thing before I was a parent. But after you have kids, it takes available funds away from them.
That’s not to say i don’t spend money on myself or going out with friends, I do but a meal or a cheapish night out is fine.

I just can’t imagine wanting people to part with £300 for my birthday celebrations.

Take away the fact that it’s for a random age birthday. Would you want to go on a weekend away with these friends? That’s how I would look at it. Although I’m still not sure I’d want to.

Yep. Personally I’d happily travel for both weddings and birthdays if I had the money and liked the person enough - but what gets me is the double standards with the people who say its an outrage to ask people to “fork out for your birthday” and yet think it’s ok to ask people to “fork out” the same or more for weddings, especially destination wedding. Or hen parties.

I had a friend choose not to come on a (European) city break with me on my 30th, that was absolutely fine and I didn’t ask her why as that would’ve been rude.

However, the same friend seemed put out I couldn’t travel to a southern African country for her wedding!

The flights at that time (2015) were around £900 and I was in a low-ish paid job and paying high rents in London. I would have loved to go and do some safari afterwards but I didn’t have any savings or a credit card back then either so I had to say no.

Her and her now husband haven’t been the same with me ever since lol

Ooh ouch! That's a bit shitty of people to pull that out on you last minute. Never done that to any of my friends when we have gone for a meal, we all just pay for ourselves. Just want the company of good friends, nothing more.

I think it's more for an excuse just to have time away, birtbdays are a good excuse x

I enjoy my friend's parties and celebrations, but one of my close friends has just turned forty and is now on her sixth celebration (inc weekends away, two parties, two birthday lunches) and is planning another. It is not just one day, but a whole year. It is so expensive.

Is it just me who would never ask people to fork out hundreds of pounds for their birthdays. If people are willing to, that’s great and have fun

So you are disagreeing with yourself, in your own opening post......
Some people might think "Oh, that sounds wonderful. I could really do with a night away without having to think about getting home or getting up for the dc", and it might be within their budget, because that is something they really, really enjoy. Others - incl a pp - might think it is great that someone else has done the organising of a get together and just love that they don't have to. Others, like yourself (and me) don't have that in their budget. Others just wouldn't fancy it. All are valid responses. There is nothing unreasonable whatsoever in arranging something and seeing if people want to join you. Just as there is nothing unreasonable in saying 'Thanks for thinking of my, but I can't" or "It's not for me, have a great time" or whatever.

but if they decline why question it?

This part, is a completely different question.

Of course if you organise something and someone you invite doesn't want to come, you have to accept that.

Though I can see if you invite 6 people to something and 4 or 5 say no thanks, it would be helpful to find if you've just picked the wrong date, or if it is the cost or the activity that people don't like, so you can know to arrange something different, or rearrange the date.

Yes you’re right, I suppose I am disagreeing with myself. I suppose what I mean is knock yourself out if you’re into paying for things like this, but what I disagree with is being asked why. It’s just not something I want to pay for, at all.

It's no worse than doing the same for a hen party. I wouldn't spend that kind of money on any type of party for myself or anyone else, but if others want to, good luck to them.

YANBU not to go.

I agree with you. If I’m having a birthday party, I’ll host it. Pay for it. It will be local. You can give me a gift if you like! That’s it really. I’d go away with DH, BFF or my mum.

YANBU. Definitely not. I recently had to say no to a friend wanting to do an expensive spa birthday group celebration whose individual birthday I had already celebrated! It’s too much. I spend most weekends taking my own two children to birthday parties, so I don’t have the energy for it from adults during this season of life TBH.

Agree, they are the ones getting married as long as they are there, that's all that matters.