AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

[Ifiwere]

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to.
Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically.
Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this!
To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

If you told her up front that this piece of information was just between the two of you then she was 100% wrong to tell her husband. If you're just assuming that she should have know not to tell anyone, that's more of a grey area. It sounds like she didn't warn her husband that the information was private or sensitive, since he said it in front of you, so I would suspect she just has different ideas about what's private than you do, which explains her not thinking she's done anything wrong. If you ever tell her anything sensitive again you should tell her up front it's for her ears only and give her the chance to say she doesn't want to hear it because she can't keep a secret.

So your friends don’t know you’re gossiping with your husband about their private affairs? At least make them aware you won’t keep their confidence then they can decide if they want to tell you anything sensitive going forward.

sorry this was to Ty78910

I would probably tell dh because I trust him not to say anything and because I may want to offload/discuss it. I wouldnt tell him if it relates to one of our mutual friends as I wouldn’t want to put him in an awkward position. I also wouldn’t say anything if asked not to.

I've made this point numerous times, but as you and @Wingwalkask it again, I'll repeat that we openly acknowledge to friends that (a) we mentioned something they told us to the other person, and (b) what the other person said. And, occasionally, (c) they are curious and ask us first if we have insights to share.

So, yes, I have probably assumed that's what most people are comfortable with. And, yes, I will be mindful that assumption could be dead wrong. But, also, it's established amongst our friendship group and demonstrably not an issue.

I am perfectly content to accept other people would not like this. It seems to be those on the other side of this debate who are unable or unwilling to accept that others are entirely fine with it and operate similarly.

This is exactly what I was trying to say, but you've explained it much better.

Actually I think the opposite. If someone is a loose lipped gossip to me, I'd assume they were the exact same about me. If my partner regaled me with his best mates secrets I'd have to wonder what his mate knew about mine. Because a person is either a gossip, or they are respectful of privacy.

Yes I agree with this.

I would never tell DH anything a friend had told me in confidence. I really don’t understand why anyone would?

If that is exactly what you were trying to say, then you are making lots of unreasonable assumptions about what others will read into your relationship.

The pp seems to think that, because she doesn't complain about her husband and they seem to be happy together, others will automatically assume that they gossip about other people's personal information. That's a pretty huge leap to make.

Telling your spouse about other people's confidential information is not a reflection of how close you and your spouse are. It is more a reflection of how little respect you have for your friends' privacy.

I don't think that is quite the point pp was making.

Whether or not professionals do break confidentiality, and some will certainly do so, doesn't make it right. It is generally accepted that colleagues be able to discuss sensitive information between each other, especially in stressful professions, but it's not acceptable for them to discuss it socially.

Just to clarify for you, a doctor can absolutely be struck off for sharing anonymised anecdotes about patients, lots of information can be very identifying, it's called the jigsaw identification trap, please look it up.

The fact that she is the child's teacher/support worker is identifying information, any specifics about the child's behavioural problems or even taking about specific dates..."you'll never believe what happened in class yesterday..." are identifying details. All it would take is for someone she discusses that child with to gossip to their spouse one evening who then goes on to tell his friend who coincidentally happens to be the cousin through marriage of the mother of the child she is talking about.

There is also the consideration of where her chats take place, is there a possibility they could be overheard? Her behaviour is highly unprofessional.

With the greatest respect, you do not come across as someone that takes confidentiality particularly seriously.

What was her point then? Because I don't see the logic that someone who is discreet about any issues in their own relationship should automatically be assumed to be indiscreet with other people's information. Quite the contrary, in fact.

If this is genuinely how enmeshed and non individual you and your husband are, fine, that's your relationship, but then you need to be explicit about it with your friends. You can't just assume people know "oh we're just that couple", you actually have to say out loud "hey just so you know, I'm not someone you can tell things to in confidence, it all goes straight to my husband." Because right now you're just letting people assume you're a normal friend and finding out the hard way that you're not.

Also, @Makebelieveanotherlife Your idea of what a healthy partnership has to look like is honestly a bit warped, and pretty isolating if I'm honest. Please don't be teaching young girls or anyone else that this is what "properly together" couples do, because it isn't, it's just one version of it, and not even a particularly great one.Also, venting to a friend about your partner, or sharing grievances when things aren't great, doesn't make someone a bad partner, which you're very much implying here with that little dig about friends who keep "a bit of a separate life" or are willing to talk about their relationship. People vary massively in how much they share, and that's normal, it doesn't mean the friendship or the marriage is somehow lesser. Not sharing literally everything with your partner isn't a red flag, it's just called having your own inner life, and being open with a friend about arguments or hard patches doesn't make you some kind of bad partner either, if anything it's just called having a support system. What you're implying, that anything less than total merged transparency means the relationship is weaker, is honestly a strange and slightly worrying way to see things.
But back to the actual point. You're describing yourself as a bad friend here, someone who only really values their partner and treats their friends' privacy as optional. Whether or not your husband is a good, trustworthy person isn't the point and was never yours to decide on someone else's behalf that they should be privy to their information without explicit consent. That's not your secret to hand over. Feeling betrayed by that is completely valid, and yeah, I'd call that being a shit friend.

I don’t either. It would never occur to me to tell mine anything a friend has confided in me and I certainly don’t expect him to betray his friends’ confidences either.

I agree with you.
I think it is wrong to share other people's information without their permission, except if there is a safety issue.

I don't grant my husband an exemption from my obligation to respect other people's right to privacy.

For example, a friend of ours told me something personal many years ago. A big something. I have never told my husband. I believe that if she wanted him to know, she would tell him.

She perhaps has told him tbh. I don't know because luckily he feels the same way as I do about what a privilege it is to be confided in and the duty you have not to abuse that.

I don't actually disagree with anything you've said, but I would add that there is surely a difference between casually chatting in the pub to a group of friends where they could be overheard or end up in 'friend of a friend' jigsaw territory, versus speaking to a trusted couple in their home about a stressful situation that was affecting her personal wellbeing.

I am not advocating for the binning of privacy law. The vast majority of confidential information that crosses my desk stays there. But we trust each other, as husband and wife, with occasional details as she share our successes and frustrations. And maybe not every couple does that, but many will speak to a trusted friend, mentor or confidante.

Per the poll, you have a majority of 2%, so I'd row back on decreeing what is "normal" with that margin.

I note your advice, but as I've addressed variations of this several times now, I'm not going to respond to this point again.

Clinging to the poll is a strange thing to find comfort in when actual people, in actual replies, are telling you plainly that what you're describing genuinely hurts people who think friendship is supposed to come with some baseline of trust. A poll doesn't override that, it's not really the point.
And it's a shame you're not willing to engage with it properly, because it just means you'll carry on being the kind of friend who does this to people. If ducking out now feels like taking the moral high ground to you, fine, but it wasn't an attack, you just weren't listening.

But it wasn’t the wife’s secret - how on earth would it affect or be relevant to the husband or their relationship?

It's not "clinging" to a fact to point out 49% of people disagree with you. To my knowledge, "actual people" responded to that, too. Your assertion of what is abnormal is unfounded.

That aside, my response to your comment isn't to ignore your point. I've replied, substantively, to more or less the same thing said by others. That you either failed to read the thread, or ignored what you read, isn't a moral failure on my part.

I've explained why I am confident my marriage dynamic is known to my friend group. I've also acknowledged a different approach is needed for people I meet in the future.

It's you who didn't listen.

If that's genuinely how you want to live, crack on, and I hope your friends really do know exactly how untrustworthy you are with their business and are genuinely fine with it, not just fine with it because they don't know any different.
It's honestly sad that you don't value other people's privacy or seem to respect anyone in your life the way you respect your husband. You clearly need this to be okay, so mayebe the poll is truly representative , but plenty of people on here are telling you it isn't and it woulde hurt them , and just because something's common, or even if most people did it, that doesn't make it not shitty. Popularity isnt the same thing as decency.

I think it’s difficult to say for certain without knowing what it is, but something personal about a friend that they have asked you to keep secret should usually be kept secret even from your husband. I guess the exception would be if you were very worried about the friend/she was at risk etc and you weren’t sure what to do.
It definitely is ok for married couples to keep something a secret if it’s about someone else

I’ve been married for 10 years and together for 12 and no way do I go blabbing about my friends to DH. We’ve plenty of other things to talk about and I’m not a gossip. I found out one of my oldest friends had told her partner something I’d told her in confidence about my DH that I was unhappy about and she let slip a comment her partner had made about it so it was obvious she’d told him. If she asks me about that issue now I tell her it’s all fine and I won’t be telling her anything else I don’t want other people to know about. Me and DH are two separate people not one connected consciousness and I wouldn’t expect DH to break confidence with his friends by telling me their secrets either

Wow. So not only do you blab to your DH, you don’t have the basic decency and integrity to let your friends know that you’re going to tell him and thus give them the choice about him knowing. What an utterly shit friend you are.

Edited for typo

I’m really surprised that so many people would pass freinds secrets on to their husbands. I would have thought it would go without saying that confidences are kept. Would you all tell your freinds your husbands secrets too. Shocking.