AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

[Ifiwere]

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to.
Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically.
Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this!
To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

The thing is my friends would do the same - we all know this. If it was explicitly said ‘do not tell DH’ then it’s a different story, but I also can’t think of a situation where this would occur. And we have been in some wild phases in our lifetimes.

There is absolutely no reason to tell your other half sensitive information about a friend if it doesn't affect them.

The only reason anyone would do this is just pure gossip mongering.

So, plenty of people saying it = important
Lots of people in a poll = popularity doesn't matter

My friends would say exactly the same in a voice note to me as they would with both of us in the room. That's a fact. I am the same with them. Your friendship group might operate differently, and that's okay.

People who have different dynamics to you aren't shitty. I may have made an assumption it would be okay in the first instance, but that doesn't change the fact that it is.

Judgemental, snide remarks about my character based on a different dyanmic to what you would prefer is the height of arrogance. If my circle are content our way, and yours is content your way, then nobody is being disrespected. There are different, equally valid views on this topic and debating them has been interesting. The breathtaking superiority, not so much.

My closest friend did this to me when we were in our early/mid 20’s. And I found out because he asked me about the situation. The situation which was an extremely personal matter that I had not previously discussed with him.
i didn’t confront her because at that age I had no confidence to do so but it completely changed my relationship with both of them. And others too, it opened my eyes to the fact that I really couldn’t trust anyone.

Same.

walrushurricane
I agree with you OP. I find it a bit childish and naive when women tell their partners everything including their friends private business. Men don't usually do the same time.

I think a lot of men would ask their wives for advice on or talk about eg men they know having mh or health issues or friends’ break ups etc. I also think women tell men because they need to vent/ reason etc, I wouldn’t do it myself but I don’t think it’s childish- they’re the person you go to when you have a problem so it stands to reason that if a friends’ problem becomes yours, you might feel the need to talk about it

.

YABVU. We’re married, we don’t have secrets.

I tell my husband absolutely everything, and no, I’m not going to stop.

But why does he need to know your friend’s secrets?

You are a shit friend with no respect for other people's privacy then.

Not having secrets about your own lives is good. Failing to respect the confidence of other people is not good. No matter how much you enjoy gossiping about people with your husband.

Being married has fuck all to do with it.

Yes I tell me DH everything. Yes I know it’s wrong and I know it makes me a bad friend. But he is also my best friend. So maybe if I had a closer friend than him I’d feel more inclined to keep the secret.

It is very obvious that he doesn't need to know her friends' secrets. I presume that they just like to gossip.

Maybe they have nothing else to talk about?

This. I’d always keep a confidence if someone asked me not to tell anyone, but if not I’d assume everyone tells their partner the kind of things that they’d been talking about with their friends. Her DH was a dick to make it obvious though.

Love, honour and promise to tell you all my friends private worries.

lovely.

I've been married for decades.
We've been through all the ups and downs of life together but at no point have either of us felt the need to spread gossip about someone else's secrets, which is what this thread is about.
It isn't about me secretly gambling or him secretly cross dressing. This is about each of our ability to keep confidential information confidential. A friend of his talking to him about doubts or worries in his life is obviously none of my business unless that person themself chooses to talk to me about it. Just as if any of my friends choose to share something confidential with me, that is nothing to do with my dh so it is not for me to make the decision to tell him about it. If my friend wanted him to know, she'd either speak to him herself or say to me 'Can you ask / tell dh about....'.

So if a friend tells you their problem you decide that it is now your problem and you are okay to discuss it with your DH? That is childish. Not everything is about you.

I cant imangine my husbands life is that boring he needs to know all the 'secrets' as you call them of people I know and no I dont need to know abut all the people he knows and their inside leg measurments or the fact they had a great shag on holiday or whatever, are other people than interesting? really?

I find that so weird. Why would you think you have to tell your husband everything or you’re not a good partner?

Now don’t get me wrong I would expect it’s likely a friend would share my personal info with their husband, without knowing I do not want them to know. But if I didn’t want it shared with a friends husband and told her so, I would be shocked if she said no I have to 😂

Exactly this is what’s confusing me- do they really meant everything? 😂 Like if I said I was having bad periods would they insist their husband has to know?

For all the people who have their attitude of having to tell their partners everything that’s fine - as long as they make their friends aware!

Then if their friends have any sense they’ll stop sharing anything of note with them 😂

Spot on, oh my colleagues haemorrhoids are playing up i must tell my husband over dinner when I get home

I do laugh when I hear we

As in we tall each other everything- how much we is in that?

I think this must be it? People whose lives are so dull that they can't really find anything interesting to talk about, so they just gossip about their friends' problems to pass away the time.

Sad, really.

If a friend told me something in confidence, I wouldn’t tell my husband. I’m also not sure he’d be remotely interested.

It’s fine to have a “we don’t have any secrets” approach to marriage but it wouldn’t be my secret, it’d be someone else’s.

I’d keep the friendship but I wouldn’t disclose anything personal or confidential to her again.

😟