AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

[Ifiwere]

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to.
Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically.
Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this!
To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

Why do you think it would be ok with your friend to basically gossip about something she told you in confidence to her husband?

Ew

Granted, 52% is more than 48% but I think the takeaway is that there are a range of views and, yes, a range of assumptions. The comments here aren't statistically representative of the poll, let alone society, so I'd be wary of making many life decisions based on what "most expect" per a thread.

However, it does show that there are clearly different perspectives on this and, yes, I think I would be mindful of that. Our friends know we're a package deal, and we know the same.about those of them with partners, so I won't be printing out retrospective consent forms. But, I'd definitely be more mindful when getting to know new people as their expectations might be different.

I don't think there's a "wrong" answer here. You're happy with how your marriage runs, we're happy with ours, and all our respective friends are quite happy being our friends on the basis of all the above.

I was about to type almost exactly the same message

@HavingABlether (and others like you) - now that you see that around half the people here think it's not on to gossip about your friends' private matters with your partner, will you either
(1) stop doing it or
(2) at least have the grace to tell your friends that you plan to tell your husband anything they tell you, and also that he knows all of the stuff they have already shared, even stuff they thought they were telling you in confidence?

I think it’s absolutely undermining and immature not to be able to keep personal things confidential for a friend without telling a partner as if you are not separate beings.

If a friend has a relationship with me based on trust and wants to offload something personal eg relationship or health issue I
would not tell husband and he would not tell me unless the friend said it was ok to (eg bad health news from mutual friendj. That is absolutely not ‘keeping secrets from husband’ as it’s not something about me. it’s about respect. He is used to strict confidentiality in job and so am I - it’s basic decency.

If a friend ever broke a confidence about me I would never trust them with personal information again and the relationship would be lesser I think.

Do the people who tell everything to their husbands have nothing else to talk about other than Helen’s butt boil , Suzie’s struggle to find a triple F bra or Mary’s lack of libido? Really?

None of those are secrets you’re “keeping from him” ffs. Neither are any other issues or troubles that they might confide in you.They’re also none of your husbands’ business. Read the news or get a hobby if you’re so lacking in conversation topics.

I absolutely keep whatever my friends share with me as private, if that is what they want. And why should it be anyone else's business anyway ?
One time a friend turned up distraught at my door, lived just around the corner from me, his boyfriend had lost it whilst on a binge and had been violent, he didn't need to go to A&E - it was a scratch - but I patched him up and calmed him down and he stayed the night on my sofa. He begged me not to tell anyone so I put it away once I was assured there wouldn't be a repeat scenario. Two years later he shared with another close friend this event, and was amazed to find out I hadn't told her or alluded to it ! Because that's what 'confidences' are.

btw they are both happy and living in Adelaide, this was prob about 15 years ago. I did say if it happened again I would personally report.

And who are these husbands who are actually interested?

First off the bat in the post I replied to you actually said

"When we talk about our work day, we share relevant details we wouldn't disclose to anybody else, so the answer is yes. If it's been interesting, important, or otherwise been a key moment or part of our day, we would chat about it and know it's completely between us."

Nothing there - or in any of your previous posts where you're arguing that divulging a friend's personal confidence to your husband is not only reasonable, but an important facet of a loving relationship - that would've lead me to believe you were carefully filtering out any identifying details.

Secondly (and as you rightly point out in your post) when clinicians talk about patients - even when anonymised - it's invariably to other clinicians that share the burden of confidentiality, and not at random social gatherings or coffee mornings with miscellaneous friends. The same can be said for most occupations, when teachers need to burn off steam about challenging behaviour from students, they talk to fellow teachers etc.

And to answer your question specifically if it's acceptable for, as per the example you gave;

"In fact, we have a friend who is a teacher who often talks about challenging pupils, some that make her life really, really hard. It affects her and while confidential details about their diagnoses or home lives can be relevant, they're anonymised."

In my opinion that is absolutely not acceptable. It sounds as though she works with some pretty vulnerable children to have details about medical diagnoses and home lives. If she is struggling to cope with her job concerning specific students she should seek support from her colleagues or her direct manager, in extreme circumstances she should confide in her partner/closest friend under the strictest confidence or seek a therapist. She should definitely not be gabbing about it with a group of pals.

As your posts exemplify, people talk (gossip). The people she discusses these things with pass it on to others and who knows what can be identifying to others.

Honestly, I find it quite appalling that she would do this. If I were her manager I would hit the roof and bounce back a couple of times.

What does "Our friends know we're a package deal" mean? It sounds like you previously just assumed that everyone was just like you, and only today learned that they are not.
So perhaps your belief in what is normal and what other people "know" is wrong too? I think next time a friend (new or existing) tells you something you should check whether it is actually private or not (i.e. can you go home and tell your husband for whatever reason you choose to do that). And if you actually wouldn't be able to cope with the answer being "no", then you should tell them before they tell you anything sensitive. I would be devastated if my friends were gossiping to their partner about me, even those who are clearly extremely close to their partners, even those who have partners who I am separately friends with. I would see it as such shitty behaviour.

But you have said that their consent is implicit and assumed, rather than something that you have discussed. So I think your confidence is rather misplaced, personally.

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBackwe just are that couple I guess. I would never discuss any personal issue dh and I are having even with my best friend. We never speak bad or have a gossip about each other too with other people. So I think we come across as always having each others back, so in the same way probably assumed we tell each other everything.

otoh, I know friends who keep a bit of a separate life from their dh or willing to openly speak about them - to me comes across as someone who will keep a secret from their dh. I’m not sure what’s my logic here, but I have always been right about these types of friends of mine.

Just came across ‘packaged deal’ and that’s what I probably mean. Someone who would speak bad / vent about their partner would probably keep a secret better.

I think it REALLY does depend on what it was im afraid (as evidenced by the vote split)

Most things I woildnt be surprised if spouses were told

Exactly. Any husband that actually cares is even weirder than those posters. I also hope none of them have jobs where confidentiality is a must.

I don't speak badly about my partner, but I also don't gossip to him about private things my friends tell me, because that is a shitty thing to do.

Yanbu.
I wouldn't dream of telling my husband a confidence a friend told me.
Never share another thing with them again.
Not trustworthy IMO.

I think you are mistaken. It wouldn't ever even occur to me that a friend who seemed to be in a happy relationship would think it was normal to gossip with her partner/husband about my personal information without my consent.

You originally said that your friends know that you tell your DH everything, but you have now clarified that you just assume that they know. Not the same thing at all.

I feel like I’m reading the same story from both sides with a few details changed 😂
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5571559-colleague-has-overshared-and-is-now-embarrassed?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I would tell my DH, because he knows not to let on to my friends that he knows - he understands the assignment. Like a best friend off his own accord.

YANBU!

This makes no sense to me. Someone who exercises no discretion with regard to their own private matters is less likely to be trustworthy in relation to the private matters of others. I would be more likely to assume that someone who respects their spouse's privacy would respect mine as well. But you seem to think that discretion about your own private matters is evidence of the fact that you gossip with your husband about everyone else. I would not assume that your friends know this.

That's not so. It's not always predominantly among others in the profession, but even if it was, it would remain anonymised yet technically confidential information. That the person they're speaking to has the same job title and access to unrelated, if similar, information is irrelevant.

I genuinely don't understand, your view on our teacher friend. We have absolutely no way of finding out who the child she teaches is, even if we wanted to. What possible detriment would it be to anyone for her to seek support from friends?

This particular friend is single, so she has no partner to confide in. Although, if she did, this thread would suggest she was unreasonable in doing so.

For the record, I didn't say anything about it being important to a loving relationship, just that it's a feature of ours. I don't actually have an opinion of people who have different levels of communication in their relationships.

How are issues in someone else’s life a secret you’re keeping though? Why does he even care?

Of course you shouldn't betray a confidence, not to anyone. I can't believe people think it's ok because it's really not.

Yes haha I’ve realised that , genuine coincidence but interesting nonetheless!

edited as this was supposed to quote a @TY78910 🙄