Friend’s reaction to my pregnancy news

[sarahjane7777]

Hi everyone,

I’m seeking some perspective here because I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not.

I have a group of friends from university, we all ended up across the country. We stay in contact everyday through a WhatsApp group and meet up regularly.

I have been battling infertility for three years now. They are aware, and have always supported me. After a long IVF journey with multiple losses, I am now 17 weeks pregnant with a baby boy.

I had wanted to wait until our next weekend away to tell everyone, but the way it fell just meant I would be nearly 30 weeks. So I decided to text them the news after a private scan today.

One friend immediately responded with “oh I’m so glad to hear that, it’s just the news I needed because I’ve been having a rotten week”, and she then went on to explain why it had been so bad - a hospital admission, work stuff, etc etc.

Nobody else responded and instead started asking her how she was etc.

AIBU to have my nose a little out of joint with that? It’s just really upset me

She was the one who congratulated you. She told you your news had cheered her after a terrible week. Perhaps she should not have gone into all the reasons, but maybe she genuinely has had a really rough, scary week and was venting to her group of mates.
It may appear to be selfish, but perhaps more clumsy - people do not always do these things with intent. I'd be thinking about the rest of the friends who did not congratulate you on your news as well as focusing on her. People may not always understand the stress of the journey you've been on.
Big congratulations by the way.

Congratulations on OP!

I think your other friends are worse for not even acknowledging your pregnancy...although maybe they didn't see your comment about it because of said friends long rambling about her bad week??

Exactly. And yet she's the one being held up as a shit friend.

It's so strange.

I’m really surprised by the responses on here.

The majority agree with OP that this friend is the one in the wrong but she’s the only one who bothered to even acknowledge the pregnancy.

Her only crime was then saying what a bad week she had, which is nothing compared to the fact the other friends never even acknowledged OPs messages twice!

I’d say she is in the wrong alongside the other friends. The OP said this friend always has some latest tale of woe. It’s telling that she didn’t feel the need to unburden herself in the chat until the time OP shared her happy news. She also didn’t have the insight or grace to see what had happened following her input and bring it back to the OP. She may not have set out to steal her thunder, and I’m not doubting she had a shit week, but she’s a self-centred person. I think most people would hold off on bad or any other kind of news and let that person have their moment, and space for others to congratulate them, rather than making the chat about themselves straight away, so she is wrong for doing that.

That’s the trouble with WhatsApp groups, so easy for news to be overshadowed and I find sometimes you put something up and someone replies immediately with news of their own - e.g. my sick cat !

They sound like pretty shitty friends tbh, I cannot imagine not congratulating one of my friends on a pregnancy (or even someone I know only in passing, it's just what you do).

Find new friends.

Dont flounce or call them out again.

Be courteous, but move on.

You’re not losing anything. They aren’t your friends

Your friend who has had a bad time and always supported you during your infertility has been hospitalised and you just ignore it? She didn’t ignore your news she congratulated you! Yes she went on to talk about a different topic but she still acknowledged you.

I've suffered through IVF And repeated miscarriage/pregnancy loss. I know the pain all too well.

However, that doesn't excuse you ignoring your friends message about her hospitalisation? Especially as this is the one friend who did go out her way to congratulate you, even though it sounds like she's got a lot on.

I think it's really important for those of us pregnant with our miracle babies to remember that nobody else will ever be quite as excited etc as we are. It's totally normal.

I can only presume that the news she shared must have been very serious to have warranted reactions only to that, and none to your pregnancy after.

Also, sometimes people find it very difficult to know what to say when someone is pregnant following loss. I personally have always found it very uncomfortable hearing congratulations. It is also socially difficult to congratulate someone in the same space as someone else's news.

Personally, I would have shared pregnancy news via phone calls or individual text messages. It seems that the social dynamic of a group chat is problematic for the vast majority of people. If you truly consider these people to be friends I would consider messaging them one to one to let them know something such as your due date, or to float the idea of a baby shower etc etc. Youll likely find a much different response one to one.

Great advice