AIBU? DH and family holiday

[Mrshermitt]

FIL birthday this year and theyve planned a family holiday abroad but it’s 1.5k each and at Christmas time. I am unwell so I can’t go anyway and we can’t afford to spend money like that now I’m not working. We have 3 kids so looking at 7.5k for all of us.

DH desperately wants to go and I’ve just said go because I’m sick of hearing about it. I can barely manage taking care of myself some days but somehow I have to figure out with the kids.He’s going for 7 days and coming back on Boxing Day.

Can I ask would your husband do to this to you and your family or even consider it? Especially at that time of the year too?

Honestly, if this was how my partner felt about me I’d definitely be going on holiday with my family. I’d probably take the kids though.

Can you spend Christmas with your parents? Can they come to you for a few days?

The marriage is over, you both accept that, start putting practical steps in place to divorce, separate your housing and time with the children. This is the push you need to plan a life without him in it. I’m sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment and that he’s such a useless specimen. Disappointing.

Nope, neither of us would go

My grandparents and parents have always considered them having a birthday holiday as selfish unless they paid for everyone themselves. Which is what they did.

No absolutely not, and if he did suggest it then he would get a flat no from me.
With kids, your ill health and finances I would be extremely pissed off at your husband if I were you

The NHS doesn't do drastic action to get people their lives back. They mostly do fobbing people off, trying their best not to give any pain relief because they've decided you don't need it and if you pester them enough and they give you some painkillers it's often without doing any investigation into the real underlying cause. OP is lucky to have a diagnosis, especially for a problem like endometriosis. Men get taken a bit more seriously, especially if they're the breadwinner. Women are often seen as making a fuss about nothing. Since OP doesn't work, the NHS will be even less interested in improving her life. Like all government organisations they only really care about keeping people in work and then only if you really push for that and insist on them trying things. The NHS is very happy to tell people to suck it up, go away and get on with it as best they can. When you're unwell, it's very hard to fight against that.

my ex would and did do this well something very similar , it doesn’t matter if you had said yes or no he would have badgered at you and blamed you anyway

I would move closer to your family for more support , would you really miss his help he sounds like more of a hinderence than anything else and your in laws are just as bad

put you and your kids first , unlike him

It would have been a lot more honest had you stated in the original post that you have both already accepted the marriage is over. Looks like you are using him as your financial support. In his shoes, I'd think fuk her, go but take the kids with me.

This is a really unfair post given the reality of your marriage and circumstances. You are both living a lie.

As someone who works front line for the NHS, could I respectfully tell you you are outright lying. Really, really sick and tired of professional victims like you. Also, we can see through people who are drug seeking.

But even if they paid for them all the OP doesn't want to go and does not want her husband to go..

I'd be keen to understand the time line more. Because 'big' holidays don't happen overnight. She's been sick for 4 months now, she and her husband have already broken up and she brang him back as she can't cope without* him but now wants to break up again because in another 4 months hes debating going on holiday. But they went away 2 months ago and also she manages just fine when he's not there.

Something just isn't adding up for me here.

Yes. Aside from the fact that it's ridiculously expensive how shitty of DH to even consider going without you all. How sad for your children.

You all go or no one goes imo I struggle to comprehend how the rest of DH family would consider the suggestion ok too.

On another note tho might you be feeling better by Christmas ? Such a shame if you won't be on top form (with or without your DH).

X

Obviously, it’s his call if he wants to go. He is looking for a get out of jail free card by asking ‘permission’. Either way, it’s pathetic and shows where his priorities lie. This would be divorce territory for me for so very many reasons.

Because the OP has already left once and come back because she couldn’t cope. Not because she loved him or wanted the marriage to work. Because she needed him for practical reasons. I’d be telling my DBro straight that he deserves better than staying in a marriage where his partner doesn’t love him.

I think it is awful that this holiday was arranged over the xmas period when children are young. There is only for a short few years. Knowing a) he be missing santa b) how sick you are is shocking.

Put yourself and your children first and forget about this horrible man.

I feel sorry for people who get fobbed off and not taken seriously. How on earth does that make me a victim? Neither am I a drug user 🤣

You've got your experience of working there and I've got my experience of helping people who are suffering with their health and seeing the hell they often go through to get any help. So no you can't tell me that I'm lying.

There's also nothing respectful about your post whatsoever.

My husband has a son, I have no children, and he wouldn’t do this! His friends want to go abroad this year and he isn’t doing that either because at the moment our money is committed to another project we have going on at home.

Right here he is showing you who he really is!

My DH would not dream of leaving me on my own at Xmas if we couldn’t all go. Not in a million years

True true 👍

Yes my H would have done this but thankfully hes now my ExH. These selfish men 🤦🏻‍♀️ awful

I have had similar issues with DP where he has wanted to go on family trips that I can’t go on (due to having a newborn, debilitating illness etc) and he can’t seem to logically compare and weigh up the obligation he feels from his family to attend these things with the support I need at that time. He just doesn’t seem to be able to see and hold both issues in his mind and understand which is more of a priority. He would also just completely ignore that he couldn’t afford something and would get into debt to keep other people happy. For him, a lot of these seems to be normalised pressure/expectations in his family’s culture which is different to mine.

After having been completely abandoned during labour with our first child so he could run an errand for a family member (yes this was nearly the end of the relationship), and a few similar but less serious incidents, I have started completely putting my foot down and preventing him from doing things that would leave me in a vulnerable position like that again, rather than hoping he makes the ‘right’ decision and then being seething and resentful when he doesn’t. He is able to understand in hindsight that the right decision for our family is not to attend these things but he just seems unable to say no to his family in the moment no matter how much I’ve tried to explain the situation and consequences rationally. So I’ve had to step in to make the decision that allows me and our child to be safe and cared for, and doesn’t result in separation.

If he goes you need to make sure he uses his own personal money/credit card/loan and not joint finances so the family isn’t negatively impacted.

His priorities are not compatible with yours.
He needs to be with you and his kids

And leave OP at home alone and unwell? Just as bad an option IMO. I say LTB!

Did he not fancy taking his three kids? Selfish twat.

Absolutely, that’s why he’s now an ex-husband. Left me collapsed on the bathroom floor slipping in and out of consciousness so he could go back to bed and not be too tired for work the next day. When I could barely open my eyes or see he left me to get our son to school. When I had concussion he left me to look after both children and disappeared to Switzerland. I’m sure there were other times too.

If my OH went on holiday instead of spending Christmas with our kids he'd be coming home to the locks changed and all his stuff in the garden, and thats without taking ill health into consideration. Your DH sounds like a selfish prick.