AIBU? DH and family holiday

[Mrshermitt]

FIL birthday this year and theyve planned a family holiday abroad but it’s 1.5k each and at Christmas time. I am unwell so I can’t go anyway and we can’t afford to spend money like that now I’m not working. We have 3 kids so looking at 7.5k for all of us.

DH desperately wants to go and I’ve just said go because I’m sick of hearing about it. I can barely manage taking care of myself some days but somehow I have to figure out with the kids.He’s going for 7 days and coming back on Boxing Day.

Can I ask would your husband do to this to you and your family or even consider it? Especially at that time of the year too?

sigh

From his perspective: you only took him back because you can’t look after yourself or the children you say. He works to support you because you can’t work. So he works, is a carer and does everything for the kids. It must be hard for you, but my god it must be hard for him too. You arent really in a relationship you just tolerate him because he looks after you. Presumably if his dad is just turning 60 he is young himself. What sort of life is he living? Are you saying endometriosis means you will never go on holiday again?

it’s one thing caring for someone who you love and who loves you. This is not that.

Sounds like you just don’t like each other any more. Maybe now is the time to break up.

Wrong wrong wrong, nice assumption though. I’ll have you know I still cook and clean this man would starve to death and live in a shithole if I didn’t do it. I sit on my desk chair and I get around my house whether it kills me or not. We just went on a holiday together for his birthday in JUNE and I spent the entire time in pain or in the room.

She said earlier 4,7,9

He’s going on and on about the holiday because he’s hoping you’ll take the guilt away. You’ll say he’s being silly of course he should go. You’ll say the kids will be so happy at Christmas they won’t miss dad. You’ll tell him to go and have fun with his family. Send him off with your blessing. You aren’t doing that so he’s going on and on about it because he wants to go but knows he shouldn’t.

can you make plans to go to your family for Christmas? He’s going to go on that holiday.

Still might be a relief for him being set free..Even more so if she chose it. No guilt

I would have called the in laws by now and spelt out exactly how this was impacting my health, the financial pressure and you simply can not afford it, and the children being left at Christmas, their grandchildren by the way, and the fact you won't manage due to your illness to look after them adequately - I would spell it all to them very calmly and clearly that this could well now signal the end of the marriage and the break down of the family, and leave it with them to consider in their own time.

It is unbelievable to me that they would even put you/their son and gc in this position for a random birthday. I would not be willing to be a doormat for others, coerced and forced to agree to something so intrinsically wrong. My second call would be to bil and my last one to the solicitor. You shouldn't accept this shoddy, disgusting treatment op.

I said earlier I have a chronic pain condition. My husband does a lot for me.

So I say this with some understanding and with sympathy:

You need to take control of your life. It's miserable that you know you'll be in a lot of pain and dependent in 4 months' time. You can be bitter about your DH and his family and even people on this thread who make assumptions. But - and you don't have to say on this thread - what are you doing about your pain?
What are you going to do about getting care? What are you going to do about leaving the DH you clearly can't stand?

You've had some very good suggestions on this thread and I hope you put a plan in place to become more independent and less in pain

I agree, but I say that as an adult. If you'd asked me when I was 7 or 9 (not sure about 4) I'd have had an entirely different view, and you might have too.

To be fair with the poster you quoted, this was my understanding of your previous post as well, that you only went back with him because you needed him to care for you and/or earn money as you couldn’t work yourself. On this basis, I can’t really blame him for prioritising himself even if it meant leaving you behind.

It's a heck of a lot easier to clean a small place than a big place with another adult in it constantly messing it up. Just saying.

Would you want 50/50 for yourself with DC if you split? It would make your life easier if you only had EOW, although I realise you may want to keep them close as much as you can.

If you're that incapacitated you can't walk around your own home, you should claim PIP. As well as hassling NHS to do something, there's procedures they can do that helps improve the pain for some people for a time, also various painkillers that may work at least a bit, you have to let your GP know how bad your situation is otherwise they'll write "not applicable" under the how does it affect you section of the form DWP wants them to fill in.

You sound like you need a care assessment from adult social services too. They're obliged to do things like help you leave your partner or help you care for DC. You may be expected to contribute financially towards whatever help is provided but it does sound like you'd qualify for some support hours.

How much stress is this relationship causing you? Because that won't be helping with anything.

If you want to split, then split, and if you can't cope alone then deal with that through official channels, instead of getting back together with someone who doesn't really care about you. If that's why you're together (and you make it sound like that's the primary reason), he's only doing it to avoid child support or solo parenting young DC, so chances are he'll leave you for someone else eventually anyway.

You can claim UC too, if you can't work.

I don't agree with those saying he needs a break, it's hard on him, etc. That may be true, but this is a new disability that you haven't adjusted to yet, mentally or practically. It would be different if this had been going on for years, but it's 4 months and at this point you need his support if you're together. It's your first Christmas like this, it's a new situation that you're still getting your head around and no practical support has been put in place, including adequate pain relief. It's not the time for him to go off on his jollies and leave you alone with 3 DC under 10.

The children are likely never to forget the Christmas their Dad was gone. It will burn into their memories and psyches, along with watching their mother struggle to look after them and the awful pain she is in. Children do not forget things like this, ever. Ask me how I know.

They will come to see the holiday as the final nail in the coffin and their family splitting up. Then the dh will have to step up with even more childcare, as the court will do what they can to support the mother's health needs in this situation, and he will have to do all of the housework, cooking and laundry himself. Whilst explaining to his dc why he made such an appalling decision in the first place.

The assumption came from your previous post, it's not wrong to think that all. You said

we’ve tried to separate but because of my condition and my family are an hour I’ve always needed his help

But your last comment means there is no issues really is there? Let him have his holiday. It'll be easier if you have 1 less person to cook for and tidy up after

Yes, I picked up on this. Looking at the whole picture as presented, the OP is too ill to work or look after the DC on her own (why the separation hasn't actually happened) so the DH has, in effect, been the sole earner and at least significant carer for the children for some time. If they had been able to separate the DP could go away on holiday planned around the OP's 50% time, no issue ar all. Instead, by staying, presumably to take on more, he's now being castigated as a throughly awful father. Based on the facts provided he cant really win.

Your condition sounds hellish Op, what treatment are you getting? Surely if you are so disabled by it you need drastic action to get your life back.

He could win by. not going on a holiday he simply can not afford. He could win by being there for his kids on Christmas Day. He could win by understanding he has responsibilities, and stop being so god damn selfish.

He could leave if he wants to, and he has chosen not to - he would be in the same position if he did (unable to pay for the holiday and obliged to care for his own children during the Christmas period)

Sorry OP but I also think it's fine for your husband to go on holiday with his family. You call him 'this man' so no love there now anyway. He prob can't afford it as he is supporting you (if you aren't working) and if you want to separate anyway... I think it's normal that he might also want a break away from you. I feel so sorry for you and the pain you are in. But it can be exhausting living with someone who is in constant pain and he might simply want a break and to spend time with his family. I think his family do care as they did invite you (and the MIL calls you when she doesn't have to). They can't simply not do holidays because of you. I think its a shame they didn't offer to pay for your kids or your husband offer to take them too?! He would be back boxing day so I don't feel like its bad as you can still celebrate xmas together when hes back if thats the bit you would miss. But sounds to me like you wouldn't miss him much anyway.

You said he can go so you can’t be annoyed he’s going. Make other plans to spend Christmas with your family/friends.

But a) he can't afford it and b) he has three young children.

How do you work around those issues, his children do not matter? If he needs a break he can take a night at the Travel Lodge not a Carribean holiday he can not afford!

How ill are you and is it actually over Christmas Day or just around that time?

If my son had told me he would leave his ill wife and three kids over Christmas, to celebrate my birthday I would ask myself how the hell I had raised him.

I'm sorry your condition has worsened. Is it possible that the mental impact could be making you feel worse too - my local mental health NHS trust has self-referral courses for people with long term health conditions and this might be something that could help you with how you think about the future. Feeling awful now does not guarantee you will feel awful in December. I hope you can get some more support from your GP - ask for a review appointment to discuss managing your endo, ask about pain relief options and referral to pelvic physiotherapy or occupational health teams. Whatever may ease the burden.

Once you have some more practical next steps to feel slightly better, maybe the relationship issues can be tackled easier.

My FIL wouldn't even have booked it so my partner wouldn't be struggling to decide what to do.

We go away with my in-laws most summers, I've been unwell for the past year and last year my in-laws changed their plans to go come to us instead and we did a staycation from our house instead of going away as I needed to be in and out of hospital. This summer we went away and my in-laws ensured that I could take as much rest as I needed.
We had booked the holiday before I had got unwell and they just wanted to make sure that we all had a good time. They would never book a holiday we couldn't afford and that didn't include all of us.

If he can’t afford to take the kids with him he can’t afford the holiday. As a father it’s not whether he can afford just his own ticket.

This is indicative of further down the line when he won’t take kids on holiday as the cost is too much during school holidays but he’ll be going without them during term time.