AIBU to avoid birthday visitors and ask for gifts in advance?

[Hardyperennials]

To ask you how you navigate other people’s birthdays and special occasions? To start, I know this is a 1st world problem but it’s something that’s been bothering me for a couple of years and I wonder if actually I need to be more chill about it.

I have always ensured that anyone in my family celebrating a birthday has had their gift / card before the day. So, what this looks like is me either posting or dropping off cards / presents in advance (a day or two) and letting that person know what I’ve done / checking it’s convenient. With my eldest child we actually used to laugh about her paternal grandparents desire to only give presents once they were in your company. When I say laugh, we found it a little annoying but didn’t get out of bed over it. But we did kind of agree that some people only want to gift give if they benefit from seeing someone open that gift. The eldest eventually became no contact with them and there was never a card or gift sent (even when the eldest was still technically a child and there hadn’t been a big fall out) Now, I have a younger child (about to turn 10) and I find myself with more people in my life like this. These people are kind and I know they don’t mean to be a pain but they all want to see my child on or very close to their birthday and as children get older they don’t want to sit in the house accepting guests for hours on end (one of these people has a tendency to over stay) do they?

Would you just accept that your child will need to spend a portion of their birthday at home in order to receive gifts from some family members? Would you mention to the family members that you would appreciate them being a little more organised in future so that you aren’t then trying to coordinate visitors on special occasions? For example, this is two different sides of the family that wouldn’t normally be in the same room, three separate households, not enough seats if everyone arrives at the same time etc. I’m currently leaning towards fobbing them all off on my child’s actual birthday (we will be busy it’s not a lie) and giving them the same time slot the day after so that they hopefully feel slightly uncomfortable and organise themselves a bit better next year. The adult child is the funniest to me, they have lived and showed annoyance at the inconvenience of people who do this and now do it themselves! I saw them 2 times recently and they are giving cash in a card so really did have time to sort this. But maybe they just want to see us on our birthday? I doubt they would like us descending on them for hours on their birthday though. And they seem really capable of organising themselves for their own birthdays.

What do you do? If you’re a visitor on the day, what is your motivation? I’ve never cared about watching someone open their gifts but then I’m not very sentimental.

This is first class advice. The absolute cheek of people expecting to rock up when it suits them!

Maybe add a section where people can leave their gift receipts, so you can gauge the pecking order from what they have spent?

Look, if you want to make plans and take DC out - do it. Just tell the family you won’t be in during x-y times but that you will be back at a specific time when they can call around and have a bit of cake. It’s perfectly reasonable for family to want to see a child open their present - I think you are for some reason being a bit obstructive. You need to centre your child in this and I am sure seeing family and receiving presents is high in the list of their wants.

If you don't want gift opening in public the ONLY thing you can control is saying, 'No gifts.'

The only persons behaviour you can control is your own.

Omg are people really so full of themselves these days?? No need to let everyone know how big and important you are that you are ‘extremely’ busy.

why can’t people say we’re out for the day, so please stop by on X day for a cake and catchup.

I voted YANBU because I've often felt as an adult that my birthday itself is about other people. "I'm popping over with your present but I've got a doctor's appointment at 11 then I'm volunteering in the afternoon so it will have to be at about lunch" "I know you're going out for dinner so we'll just make it a quick visit but we wanted to see you on your birthday"

Maintaining all the boundaries is a job in and of itself.

But I am an antisocial fucker.

I do think it's tricky to expect older children to sit in and receive visits from grandparents and aunts and uncles. If I were you I'd arrange special family birthday parties not on the day, but after the day - everyone round yours the Sunday after their birthday. Take the birthday boy/girl out for the day of their birthday, to trigger this new way of doing things, and then make it a tradition - because it IS lovely to see family around your birthday and for them to feel part of things. It is really nice. But hanging around on your actual birthday to please other people is not the point of a birthday imo.

Not expecting a child (or anyone) to stay in all day on their birthday to "receive visitors" - fine
Tieing it in with expecting gifts, not fine
My remaining family is spread over the UK. One sib often is staying with me on my birthday but everything else comes by mail or courier and we text birthday wishes and thanks.

this.

I suggest as it such a problem, OP dosent accept any gifts, easier all round.

God are you my mum 😂?!

Shes the joke in our family for being odd like you are! Wouldn’t bother her if she never saw anyone open their present, and always drops it round 2 days before 🤷‍♀️

Just have a family party, not necessarily on the day, and separate to the birthday person's 'friend' party. No need to make it specifically about presents. If someone asks to see the birthday person outside that time, tell them truthfully if you're busy.

Agreed. Lucky that she has people who want to buy lresents

We just had them or gave them when it worked at the time, lately it seem people need a contract to see a newborn for the time now it's for receiving presents?

Blimey. In answer to your question, I drop in cards/presents on the day because I love people.

TBF I don't stop and chat or accept offers of tea, unless I've been invited. TBH OP why not just NOT offer tea? They should get the message. Or just say "We have to leave at 3.30 <in ten minutes> for the bowling alley but thank you so much for dropping by!"

This is exactly what we do, and I thought it was normal.

Family come over on the day, and we have either lunch or afternoon tea, or both, with presents and birthday cake. Dc enjoy seeing grandparents on the day, and any family who wants to come.

We almost always plan the party with friends for a different day so the real birthday can be chilled and family oriented.

In my family it’s nothing to do with seeing someone open their card or gift (couldn’t care less if they save it for later) but it’s to see that person and spend time with them. It’s just a nice thing to do.

As has been mentioned just say the birthday day doesn’t work as you’re busy but we’re home the next day between X and Y for tea and cake. Very normal in my experience.

This. With kids you surely have a party/get together, and relatives, friends, neighbours etc can pop in and say hi, and drop off the gifts etc during those 2 hours. Send out the invites for 4-6pm or so. Or if it's at the weekend, say 1-3pm... Get everyone there at the same time.

I know what you mean though @Hardyperennials about having people coming in and out all day, and having to entertain people on your birthday/your child's birthday. When it's my birthday (and DH is the same,) I tend to say we have something planned/we're away for several days, and ask people to pop around 2 days or so before, or 1-2 days after. (Sometimes we actually are doing something.)

It's my birthday, I want to spend it how I choose to, and not sit there waiting for people to turn up, not knowing when they're coming, and having to sit there entertaining them, chatting, making them coffee and tea, providing food, and smiling and nodding.

My brother and his wife used to be terrible for this. They would come around at a time of their choosing, and stay for about 4 hours, (with their 2 boisterous, and out of control sons!) all eating me out of house and home and drinking tea and coffee, and bring me a regifted Dove shower gel set and a box of maltesers. (They live abroad now so this no longer happens thankfully!)

It's MY birthday, I will spend it how I choose, and if this means not seeing people, and just spending it with DH, and going for a long walk, and a carvery at lunchtime, then coming home and watching a film in the afternoon, that is what I will do. I do not want to be entertaining others on my birthday.

If that makes me sound awkward/precious/hard work, then so be it. I'm too old to give a shit what people think of me.

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YABU unless it's a big family and you have to sit in all day while they pay a visit. PIL and SIL like to give presents when they see them. When they were younger we had a birthday tea with family, sometimes now that's after the actual birthday. I think it spreads out the enjoyment, and it is actually more effort and thought to wrap a present up and go and see someone.

Actually, I get it. I’d do what pp have said, message saying we’re doing cake between 3-5 then we’re off out to x. Solved, no sitting around for hours. If someone overstays, get up and say ‘We’re off now, I’ll get your coat’.

I saw an excellent cushion on Escape to the Country once. It has ‘Please leave by nine’ written on it! (Other times are available). Brilliant!

I don’t need to see the person open the gift; I actually feel embarrassed being watched in that way, but I do want to be thanked for the gift and I find that my family members are Awful about that. Can you not arrange a pub lunch and have everyone come for that and bring cards/gifts?

You have my sympathy OP.

It must be a pain in the arse all these people with their gifts and good wishes turning up and expecting you to open them and say "thank you". As for the fucker that overstays, I hope the gift is worth the struggle.

Who the fuck do they think they are?

You need to be assertive. You are obviously a decent person for allowing these people to give you gifts, so you need to ensure that the cheeky gift-giving fuckers know their place.

I suggest you put a large box on your doorstep with a big sign saying "Leave your gifts here and fuck off!"

Your children don’t have to receive visitors. But they should also be okay with no gifts from those people.
To expect gifts when you don’t even want to see that person is very entitled in my view.

Also why did your eldest go NC as a child with grandparents for ‘not a big fall out’?

So broadly I agree, timely gifts - its about the recipient not the giver. However, I think if you want to recieve gifts be gracious.

If 10 year old wants gifts, then she should be gracious to the people bringing them. Surely you could do something like a family meal/tea at your house or something the weekend before the birthday where DD interacts with her generous relatives and they can leave the gifts for her birthday. Which when she opens id expect she then contacts the givers to thank them.

Not really sure why your so specific about its proper to have presents before the day whilst also not recognising its proper to entertain people kind enough to arrive with gifts

Would you just accept that your child will need to spend a portion of their birthday at home in order to receive gifts from some family members?

Yes - at some point close to their birthday, it’s polite and nice to make time to see people who love you enough to give you presents. Frankly, you should want to see these people. Not instead of other friends, but as well as them.

Would you mention to the family members that you would appreciate them being a little more organised in future so that you aren't then trying to coordinate visitors on special occasions?

You are the one who needs to get more organised, and let everyone know in advance that a particular time is set aside for family birthday visits. Basically, plan a small family party / drop in time. This is very normal.

I'm currently leaning towards fobbing them all off on my child's actual birthday (we will be busy it's not a lie) and giving them the same time slot the day after
This is exactly what most people do - set a time aside close to birthday time when it’s convenient for you, and let everyone know that’s when they can drop in.

so that they hopefully feel slightly uncomfortable and organise themselves a bit better next year.
If there are far more people than you can host at once, plan two short events. It’s a bit rude to deliberately plan for them to be uncomfortable. But not rude to suggest lots come together.

You asked about motivation - if I love someone enough to give them a present, I also would like to see them in person to wish them a happy birthday. I do like seeing them open presents where possible, as I would like to see if they liked what I’d chosen, share in enjoyment. I like seeing the people who give me presents because I prefer thanking them in person, and I like those people.
If you view the whole thing as transactional, which you seem to do, it doesn’t make sense because a present is just a necessary social convention.

It’s possible your eldest scoffed at her grandparents when she was younger partly because you did. Now she’s more mature she realises it’s nice to see people you love.

As the adult you are responsible for making time for people to see your child, but by taking control of this yourself you will stop people staying for hours and taking up too much time overall, which isn’t great for your child. Stop thinking everyone should be like you and drop things off in advance, and plan around the reality.

You don't have to stay in all day on your/your dc's birthday if you'd rather go out, no one said that. Arrange a time/day that everyone can come by to have some tea and birthday cake and chat, it's a normal, sociable thing to do! That's up to you to organise. It's up to them whether they wish to attend.

A willingness to accept gifts and cards from family but viewing their company as a nuisance is horrible, and it's sad that you're teaching your children that this is an ok way to treat family and friends.

How transactional. Birthdays are for celebrating, not for amassing gifts. I hope your mercurial attitude is confined to you and not your children. I can just imagine the Whatsapp message - hi family, DS is 7 on Friday, please ensure all gifts and greetings are submitted well in advance of this day, I have installed a parcel drop off box by the front door, so you don't have to knock.