AIBU to avoid birthday visitors and ask for gifts in advance?

[Hardyperennials]

To ask you how you navigate other people’s birthdays and special occasions? To start, I know this is a 1st world problem but it’s something that’s been bothering me for a couple of years and I wonder if actually I need to be more chill about it.

I have always ensured that anyone in my family celebrating a birthday has had their gift / card before the day. So, what this looks like is me either posting or dropping off cards / presents in advance (a day or two) and letting that person know what I’ve done / checking it’s convenient. With my eldest child we actually used to laugh about her paternal grandparents desire to only give presents once they were in your company. When I say laugh, we found it a little annoying but didn’t get out of bed over it. But we did kind of agree that some people only want to gift give if they benefit from seeing someone open that gift. The eldest eventually became no contact with them and there was never a card or gift sent (even when the eldest was still technically a child and there hadn’t been a big fall out) Now, I have a younger child (about to turn 10) and I find myself with more people in my life like this. These people are kind and I know they don’t mean to be a pain but they all want to see my child on or very close to their birthday and as children get older they don’t want to sit in the house accepting guests for hours on end (one of these people has a tendency to over stay) do they?

Would you just accept that your child will need to spend a portion of their birthday at home in order to receive gifts from some family members? Would you mention to the family members that you would appreciate them being a little more organised in future so that you aren’t then trying to coordinate visitors on special occasions? For example, this is two different sides of the family that wouldn’t normally be in the same room, three separate households, not enough seats if everyone arrives at the same time etc. I’m currently leaning towards fobbing them all off on my child’s actual birthday (we will be busy it’s not a lie) and giving them the same time slot the day after so that they hopefully feel slightly uncomfortable and organise themselves a bit better next year. The adult child is the funniest to me, they have lived and showed annoyance at the inconvenience of people who do this and now do it themselves! I saw them 2 times recently and they are giving cash in a card so really did have time to sort this. But maybe they just want to see us on our birthday? I doubt they would like us descending on them for hours on their birthday though. And they seem really capable of organising themselves for their own birthdays.

What do you do? If you’re a visitor on the day, what is your motivation? I’ve never cared about watching someone open their gifts but then I’m not very sentimental.

In my family people usually arrange a time when family can drop in for cake and celebrate the birthday. The children open the presents they’re given there and then. It doesn’t haven to be on the day if you’re busy.

Some people like to see others open their presents.

If you’re that bothered about people crowding you and your child on birthdays just decline them their offer to visit but don’t be upset if you get no presents. Say you’ll be in and out the house that day and you can’t commit a time slot or even just say you want it to be just yourself and your child for that day/week.

Problem solved.

But again don’t complain if they no longer send presents.

What a fuss-budget.

Set aside a time that’s convenient for you for people to visit.

If I buy a gift I like to see them open it! It doesn’t have to actually have to be on the day so long as they get the card in time. The gift can be a couple of day later

Make it known that you will be out all day on the birthday doing X thing. There will be then no point in them dropping by on the day and they will come another day instead. If you don't want them dropping by spontaneously at all, then invite them on a specific date and time to come round for cake.

It is nice that your child has people who care enough about them to buy for them and want to see them open the presents. I get that dropping by uninvited doesn't work for everyone, but I think you can avoid this by being a bit more proactive. However I would not ask people to bring gifts in advance, it's too grabby.

“It’s Johnny’s birthday on Saturday. We’ll be in between 12-3 if you would like to stop by for tea and cake”

Wonder the GPs are not in contact anymore 🤔

The eldest eventually became no contact with them and there was never a card or gift sent (even when the eldest was still technically a child and there hadn’t been a big fall out.

It is even strange you mentioned this.
Why would you be getting presents sent from people you’re no contact with? You are saying there was no fall out, so do you mean they lost contact? Going “no contact” as opposed to losing contact is very deliberate and there are alway reasons around it.

In fact I’d say losing contact with grandparents is most likely going to be deliberate either way on at least one sides part.

I think it would be more normal to e.g. arrange to have one side of the family over for tea sometime in the week before, maybe just a weekday evening, and the other side sometime after. Totally fine to let them know you won't be around on the day. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see someone open their birthday presents though! It's nice to see their reaction and also helps you guage for future years.

You are funny OP!

So long as the presents arrive nothing else matters. You could always ask for bank transfer only-that would be easier for you. Just send the details with the new rules…..

Maybe set up a WhatsApp group - “Birthday Boy” - and add a Poll. ‘Please indicate which slot you will be visiting to give BB his gift; can I gently remind you that the 1/2 hour time slots will be strictly observed. Only 1 vote allowed’
3.00 - 3.30
3.45 - 4.15
4.30 - 5.00
5.15 - 5.45

My partner's family has this strange thing.Where gifts don't have to necessarily be given to the recipient on the day and see them. But they're making a massive deal of getting it to them in advance

Birthday presents have to be wraptop well in advance and dropped off to a family member to be able to convey it to the person same with christmas presents and ahead of it.Is they actually see each other on christmas day?And boxing day, but still they get the presence to them in advance to be opened under the tree.On the morning.

There are no children left in the family.Anymore, even the nieces and nephews are over eighteen all of them.

I dont understand why there's such a big deal about getting birthday presents in christmas presents well in advance in the day to grown adults.And the parents are now in their eighties. Surely they can wait. No grown adult can be that precious about having presence on their actual birthday.

Don't you just have the moul?Come over one day before the actual day orafter and they can all just give them to him.

Haha okay I’m a weirdo clearly. Hours of entertaining people though 😂 rather do without a card tbh.

Yep, I don’t think we are hearing the full story on this.

I had a friend who fell out with me over something minor. It was like she argued with a mutual friend over a man and demanded I take side and I said no.

I used to babysit her child multiple terms a month overnight in our 20s because she was a single parent who still liked to party and I tried to help her out plus I adored her child .

When she cut me out her child’s life and started inviting others to various family type events that she would normally have asked me to go to and stopped asking me to babysit I just accepted it. It’s her child, I was sad but it’s her choice. So I respected that.

I later found out she was also very angry I (and some other friends she alienated) stopped with the presents 😆 she expected us to just have this non-relationship with her child but keep sending gifts.

This.

Agree OP sounds grabby

And yet you made a very long post about how relatives should have the common sense to drop gifts off in advance without bothering or speaking to you?

I think it’s normal for people to expect to see the child open the present they are giving in front of them, whether it’s the day of the birthday or slightly before/after. My daughter would have been disappointed if my mum didn’t come round on her actual birthday. I’ve always thought it’s important to make sure that cards are available to be opened on the actual birthday and that they are pointless if they’re late.

I’m not sentimental either, but DH’s family is like you and my family is like the others.

I think giving a gift before the day is such a cop out. If you love someone you should see them on their birthday and make them feel loved and special on that day. Sending a gift ahead of time doesn’t do that, it’s bare minimum effort.

But if you have plans or want to do something else you’re not obliged to make yourself available all day on your birthday, or at all on your birthday - but just communicate that.

I guess they haven't yet realised that their company is something you merely tolerate in exchange for getting presents and cards.

My uncle was in the army. Sometimes we didn't see him for 2 years and he'd then bring all the presents we'd missed.
We used to love that. It was a bit like a mini Christmas!

You and your children sound like absolute jerks. Entitled and grabby ones at that.

With my eldest child we actually used to laugh about her paternal grandparents desire to only give presents once they were in your company.
Hilarious (not). Totally not understandable why people would want to give a gift in person. It's not like seeing a person's, especially a child's, happy face is one of the best parts of giving someone a gift.

When I say laugh, we found it a little annoying but didn’t get out of bed over it.
You've made a thread about it so yes you are.

But we did kind of agree that some people only want to gift give if they benefit from seeing someone open that gift.
Who are "we"? Why did this obvious fact need agreement from "you"? Why wasn't it obvious to you in the first place? Why does the topic of gift giving take up so much space in your household? Is your religion Giftism?

The eldest eventually became no contact with them and there was never a card or gift sent (even when the eldest was still technically a child and there hadn’t been a big fall out)
Child or not, this is what happens when you decide to go NO CONTACT with someone! You lose contact with them! That includes receiving cards and gifts from them! You can't tell me you seriously think a person that decides a grandparent isn't worth talking to or acknowledge expects cards and gifts from the very same grandparents. This is what I'm talking about when I said you and your children are jerks. You enable this grabbiness as you are just as perplexed as your child about the concept of "no contact".

Why is your child even no contact with their grandparents? You said there was no big fallout, so why the no contact?

Now, I have a younger child (about to turn 10) and I find myself with more people in my life like this.
Sounds to me like people might be getting sick of you and children's entitled and grabby ways. I don't blame them.

These people are kind and I know they don’t mean to be a pain but they all want to see my child on or very close to their birthday and as children get older they don’t want to sit in the house accepting guests for hours on end (one of these people has a tendency to over stay) do they?
Oh...mygod. "Hey Plebs, don't want to see ya, don't want you at my house, don't want to "entertain" you, don't want anything to do with you, in fact. But send gifts. You better make sure they're delivered to my doorstep by X date, too".

You lot truly are unbelievable. I'm surprised anyone wants to see you or give you anything.

Would you just accept that your child will need to spend a portion of their birthday at home in order to receive gifts from some family members?
I'd question where my parenting went wrong to raise children like these. But they clearly get their mentality from you. All you're worried about is what you need to do to extract gifts from people in your life. Wondering about what "horrors" you need to force your kids to do to ensure they get gifts from people. I've never seen someone so obsessed with gifts. You know how in cartoons characters get dollar signs in their eyes? You get gift signs in yours.

You want to give people time slots in the hope they feel uncomfortable and organise themselves better?!

It is standard to see people and give gifts on their birthday, not unorganised, and you want to actually make people who care enough to want to buy gifts and see your child feel uncomfortable? This is no way to conduct relationships, surely you know that already.

Would you mention to the family members that you would appreciate them being a little more organised in future so that you aren’t then trying to coordinate visitors on special occasions?

No, you can't say that to them! You're coming across as very odd, they'll certainly think you're odd, rude and greedy.

Arrange a time that friends and family can visit for tea and cake so they can see the birthday person and give them their gift, lots of people like to see the gift being opened. Strange that you don't realise that people would like to spend some time with those they care about and celebrate their birthday with them in some small way.