AIBU to avoid birthday visitors and ask for gifts in advance?

[Hardyperennials]

To ask you how you navigate other people’s birthdays and special occasions? To start, I know this is a 1st world problem but it’s something that’s been bothering me for a couple of years and I wonder if actually I need to be more chill about it.

I have always ensured that anyone in my family celebrating a birthday has had their gift / card before the day. So, what this looks like is me either posting or dropping off cards / presents in advance (a day or two) and letting that person know what I’ve done / checking it’s convenient. With my eldest child we actually used to laugh about her paternal grandparents desire to only give presents once they were in your company. When I say laugh, we found it a little annoying but didn’t get out of bed over it. But we did kind of agree that some people only want to gift give if they benefit from seeing someone open that gift. The eldest eventually became no contact with them and there was never a card or gift sent (even when the eldest was still technically a child and there hadn’t been a big fall out) Now, I have a younger child (about to turn 10) and I find myself with more people in my life like this. These people are kind and I know they don’t mean to be a pain but they all want to see my child on or very close to their birthday and as children get older they don’t want to sit in the house accepting guests for hours on end (one of these people has a tendency to over stay) do they?

Would you just accept that your child will need to spend a portion of their birthday at home in order to receive gifts from some family members? Would you mention to the family members that you would appreciate them being a little more organised in future so that you aren’t then trying to coordinate visitors on special occasions? For example, this is two different sides of the family that wouldn’t normally be in the same room, three separate households, not enough seats if everyone arrives at the same time etc. I’m currently leaning towards fobbing them all off on my child’s actual birthday (we will be busy it’s not a lie) and giving them the same time slot the day after so that they hopefully feel slightly uncomfortable and organise themselves a bit better next year. The adult child is the funniest to me, they have lived and showed annoyance at the inconvenience of people who do this and now do it themselves! I saw them 2 times recently and they are giving cash in a card so really did have time to sort this. But maybe they just want to see us on our birthday? I doubt they would like us descending on them for hours on their birthday though. And they seem really capable of organising themselves for their own birthdays.

What do you do? If you’re a visitor on the day, what is your motivation? I’ve never cared about watching someone open their gifts but then I’m not very sentimental.

Wow, I don't think I would be giving any presents to you or your children is you "request them in advance" and ask me "to be more organised". Presents are not a right, you do know this? In my family, it is customary to organise a birthday tea on the weekend closest to the birthday and everyone can come in at the same time if they wish.. with or without a gift.

My wonderful grandparents lived almost 3 hours away and would see me on or the weekend closest to my birthday every single year until I became an adult. They would give me my gift when they saw me - it wasn't contractual that I HAD to see them to get one (I no longer see my remaining grandparent on my birthday and she still posts me a gift each year), Grandma once said that they would never miss a grandchild's birthday - and there are 9 of us! They would also bring an M&S type picnic or buy us a pub lunch. My favourite memory was my 9th birthday when they bought me a tent and we got permission to put it up in the picnic area at our local English Heritage site! I feel extremely lucky and would have been so sad if my mum had told them this arrangement wasn't convenient.

First of all, it is very good for children to have to do things they don't want to do for the sake of others - especially when those others are doing them the kindness of giving them gift. If you never insist that your children sometimes put others first and show consideration, you are going to raise very entitled children. Living harmoniously in any society or community means knowing how to sometimes put other people's wants and needs ahead of our own. Just look around on Mumsnet, and you can see the painful fallout from adults who have never learned how to do this.

Plus - of COURSE we want the pleasure of seeing our giftee open the gift we chose for them with so much thought and care! What on earth is wrong with that?

Gifts are resolved during a normal visit closest to the date - so when we visited once a month, it was between a week before and threw weeks after.

No need to send things over or travel to drop something in half an hour.

This is mad to me. My big kids (young adults) still ask for a birthday tea at Grandma’s every year. It’s just being a family - celebrating together etc?

I think it's cheeky to ask for gifts full stop.
If people want to give that's up to them but saying what time will you be coming with the present is just rude

Wow. You don't like your kids seeing family members on their birthday. Fine if you have a special day planned. But to me, I choose gifts I know people, especially kids, will love, and the pleasure comes from seeing them open it.

I don’t want to make hot drinks for 3 lots of visitors and be tied to the sofa for hours because it’s someone’s birthday.

But this is what we must do, as social animals, to build community. I feel sorry for the people coming round who are actually foolish enough to imagine you might be glad to see them.

maybe the kids are wishing you’d piss off

Maybe they are, but so what? Sometimes social bonds and mere consideration for others means we do what we ought, not what we wish.

I’ve never heard the phrase “wouldn’t get out of bed over it” before… I love it 😂

I get you, to an extent. Are you saying these people just turn up with no prior planning or conversation? That would do my head in. But then you say you’d rather be out having fun on birthdays so… go out then, and don’t be available for people just dropping in unannounced?

Be careful what you wish for.

Why does it have to be on their actual birthday? Can't you arrange a birthday tea or get together the weekend before or after?
Or better still, a mid week afternoon which might be more inconvenient for the guests so fewer will turn up 😅

I definitely think of there's so many friends and relatives wanting to give gifts in person that you need to arrange one time and place for that to happen.

Oh fgs. Are you so entitled to think what other people need to spend their money on your terms. A gift is a gift regardless of when it’s received. I will post a gift only if I’m never seeing the person in 6months or indefinitely. If I’m going to see you in a few weeks then you can wait. Child or not. I’ll give it to you when I see you.
If you can’t spend time at home waiting for anyone then simply arrange another day. But you DONT a get to tell people when and how to send a gift.

They want the gifts, but resent having to spend time to get them.

And they want the gifts in advance

Don't forget to take note of any early birds or worse overstayers, tut tut.
Collate all info and offer next year's best slots first to the most worthy

You don't have to sit in for hours waiting for visitors though do you, just message them saying "we're going out for pizza at 6.30/ going on a day out until 5pm " or whatever and then let them work it out from there if they want to come over. I certainly wouldn't ask them to be more organised. My kids don't get any presents from some family, you're pretty lucky they are all so keen really.

You clearly don't understand other people do you? Your lack of awareness of social norms is odd.

Just say when you are going to be in. It isn't hard. Also, you haven't said what your child would want. You are making it all about you.

Why did your eldest go NC with their grandparents while they were still a child? I feel there’s some back story here…

Well perhaps you are the one that needs to be more organised. Tell them you have plans on the actual birthday and arrange a date that suits you for family to see the children.

It’s perfectly normal for grandparents and other family to want to spend time with children when it’s their birthday. We always arrange a family birthday tea around the time of their birthday.

Most people who give presents, give them because they like/love you and alongside that would like to see you for a few minutes chat/coffee. I used to find it really hard as I had my DM, MIL, DH's siblings x 3 all wanting a sit down chat on the day, on top of which I'm very lucky to have five friends who would want to drop something off at some point (admittedly happy with a 2/3 minute chat on door step). I don't particularly enjoy all day inside hosting especially on my birthday, so over the years, we've planned something - day trip, lunch, gone away. No one has actually objected and they just accept if we're doing something and we'll work a convenient time off to see them - might be a couple of days later, but it spreads it.

Not sure how old your DC are, but if teenagers, the chances are they'll be off doing something with their friends at some point. If that's organised a few days in advance prior to anything else, then visitors come another time.

Oh you’re horrible, aren’t you

You sound like you've never heard of a party. Just tell everyone to come round in the afternoon. You could even have a cake!

Don't get me wrong we used to love having people round for a birthday tea when I was a kid and when mine were little, but as the kids gets older they just want to be with their mates or have a grown up party somewhere else other than home etc. They might not even want to spend the day with you, but you don't have to tie any of it to the actual day, do you?

“Hi everyone, we are extremely busy these next few days and will struggle to accommodate having multiple visitors on different days so we are having an open house on Saturday during 12pm and 3pm for anyone wishing to see X for their birthday. Please feel free to stop by for a slice of cake and a catch up!”

You’re welcome.

It doesn’t have to be their actual birthday. “We’re going out for x’s birthday but you’re very welcome to come for tea and cake the day/week after/before”. I don’t think there are households up and down the country sitting in waiting to receive guests on their birthday, they arrange a mutually convenient time.

Also gobsmacked your daughter has gone NC with grandparents because they like to see her and watch her open their gifts to her. You even say in your OP there’s been no real falling out.