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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

117 replies

notsureifimunreasonable · 26/08/2026 19:24

Stepdaughter (6) starts her second year of school tomorrow.

Mom and dad obviously want to be there, but I'm not welcome. Even though we have her most of the time, and I do most of the parenting. Been in her life since she was one.

It's not really an AIBU, because I know I am.

I know these moments are reserved for parents, it's just hard when you put in so much work (willingly, she's great - and I'm there more than DP with her) but don't get to be there for the special moments.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but any stepmom advice would be great 🥰

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · Today 20:22

BudgetBuster · Today 18:20

I think the other posters moreso meant that while the OP does all the Mummy things, that can be ripped away at any point.

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It absolutely could be. Which would be sad. But that doesn't invalidate the love between her and SD.

BudgetBuster · Today 20:25

CamillaMcCauley · Today 19:26

Your husband’s will specifies guardianship will go to you in the event of his incapacitation or death? Was this signed of by the child’s mother? I don’t believe you can legally allocate guardianship to a third party without the agreement of the other biological parent.

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Yes, we have her agreement in legal form. Similarly if anything we're to happen to her, her husband would have the same rights.

Tbh we don't get along at all, but we all realised that this is in the best interests of DSS, who also has siblings on either side. He has actively stated that if anything ever happened he'd still like to be 50/50 - although he's a teen now and I've no doubt that might not always be the case.

But you absolutely can have it documented in yiur will who you want to take over yiur guardianship, this is then brought to the courts when needed and signed off unless the other party has legitimate reasons against. At least in Ireland anyway

Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Today 20:54

pinkyredrose · Today 14:33

Would he have his kid 5 days a week if you weren't around?

Sorry if I've missed your age but you do sound quite young. You're obviously thrilled to be bringing up your partners kid but hopefully the responses on here will show you that you're being completely used.

How long did you know your partner before you moved in?

Did he ask you to take care of his kid or did he spring it on you?

Did he have her 5 days a week before you turned up?

These are all important questions.

He couldn't!

35 - old enough to know better!

A year before I moved up.

He only had her 2 days, didn't spring it on me - it just happened that my situation meant we (me) could take her more which was better for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Today 20:56

Aiming4Optimistic · Today 14:19

If he always puts his ex first you are being set up for a lifetime of not being allowed to attend her graduation, being relegated to a table at the back of the room for her wedding (if ex doesn't kick off about you going at all), not being seen as a 'real' grandma to her babies. Assuming your relationship lasts that long. What happens if she gets to be a teen and he figures that he doesn't need childcare now and therefore you? You deserve a partner who truly loves you, puts your interests ahead of an ex and a chance to have your own children if that's what you want in the future. Sorry, I know this sounds really harsh and blunt, but no one here wants to see you get screwed over.

I appreciate the harsh truth. You're so right.

I'm handy now, but very disposable. God,I didn't think I had such little self respect!

OP posts:
Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:02

pinkyredrose · Today 14:37

Rose tinted glasses alert. She's not her mum or stepmum, she's her fathers girlfriend.

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A bit mean.

Yes I'm her father's girlfriend, but also a(n almost) full time parent to a child (I love) but am not related to.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:04

Genevieva · Today 14:22

I think you can get parental responsibility orders from the court. You are de facto the primary carer. It wouldn’t give you a right to attend the first day of school, but it would give you the right to be a named contact at school and the GP, to take her on holiday and, in the event of separation, maintain your role as her primary carer.

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They weren't married when they had her, so in law, he has no rights. Even with the current setup - if, god forbid anything happened her, her dad gets her. I definitely have any rights!

OP posts:
CamillaMcCauley · Today 21:05

notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:02

A bit mean.

Yes I'm her father's girlfriend, but also a(n almost) full time parent to a child (I love) but am not related to.

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It’s a shame when it turns out children are more lovable than their fathers.

Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:06

2O26 · Today 19:48

The father does not have legal guardianship -was that because he and the Mom were never married? Confused as to why he wouldn't be.

One night stand

OP posts:
2O26 · Today 21:07

notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:02

A bit mean.

Yes I'm her father's girlfriend, but also a(n almost) full time parent to a child (I love) but am not related to.

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Aren’t you his common-law partner? You are not just his girlfriend.

wishfulthinking25 · Today 21:07

I’m sorry you feel pushed out put your initial post made it sound like her father has the majority of custody but your comment says 3 days a week meaning her mother has her 4 days, so she’s not with you both majority of the time and also, she should be with her father for them 3 days not with you, and I’d be making that clear to him going forward.

Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:08

Aiming4Optimistic · Today 19:55

I think that being on the birth certificate gives automatic PR for the child.

Re pp, I don't think a parent can bequeath custody rights to their partner. A partner has no automatic PR - if a parent dies, the other parent assumes full custody. If someone has put that in their will, they should talk to their solicitor because unless the other parent has lost their parental rights, I just can't see how this would be legal.

No, he's on the birth cert but would need to go before a commissioner of the place to make it legal as they weren't married

OP posts:
Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:08

No, he's on the birth cert but would need to go before a commissioner of the place to make it legal as they weren't married

OP posts:
wishfulthinking25 · Today 21:09

notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:04

They weren't married when they had her, so in law, he has no rights. Even with the current setup - if, god forbid anything happened her, her dad gets her. I definitely have any rights!

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Is he on the birth certificate?

Lemondressese · Today 21:09

We are really trying to be kind here to you.
Hard to read I bet.
But you are being so used.
I have seen, read and heard of stories like yours.
Years of free childcare and often you are completely disposable as the child no longer requires intensive minding.

You are 100% a convenience.
Your childcare is worth thousands.

In the course of a simple conversation a few years from now, your relationship could be over and you will never see that child again.

Anyone who uses you like that isn't seriously in love with you.

You are the good enough for now girl, with the convenient job, that shares the bills, AND gives free childcare.

I'm so sad for you, and I don't know you.

Take your full leave, make up shit that you need to go home, for family reasons

See carefully how he reacts.
Does he give a damn or is it all how it will impact him and the ex, and your free skivvy aupair duties?

Get counselling asap.
This is no way to allow yourself to be used.

Original poster
notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:09

wishfulthinking25 · Today 21:07

I’m sorry you feel pushed out put your initial post made it sound like her father has the majority of custody but your comment says 3 days a week meaning her mother has her 4 days, so she’s not with you both majority of the time and also, she should be with her father for them 3 days not with you, and I’d be making that clear to him going forward.

I work from home 3 days a week. We have her 5.

OP posts:
TinaWarriorPrincess · Today 21:10

notsureifimunreasonable · Today 12:28

Mom is young and enjoys a certain lifestyle that doesn't take a boisterous child into account.

Dad works odd hours - but is there to be the 'fun guy'.

The more responses I get, the more ridiculous I feel.

I have a full time job, work around his kid, never see him... am I blind?

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Yes OP, you are being taken for an absolute ride here. They both get to be Disney parents while you slog away in the background. What do you get out of this relationship?

wishfulthinking25 · Today 21:10

notsureifimunreasonable · Today 21:08

No, he's on the birth cert but would need to go before a commissioner of the place to make it legal as they weren't married

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Just seen this - he has as much parental rights as the mother if he’s on the birth certificate, whether they were married or not, I’m sure. Happy to be told I’m wrong by any solicitors!

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