AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

[notsureifimunreasonable]

Stepdaughter (6) starts her second year of school tomorrow.

Mom and dad obviously want to be there, but I'm not welcome. Even though we have her most of the time, and I do most of the parenting. Been in her life since she was one.

It's not really an AIBU, because I know I am.

I know these moments are reserved for parents, it's just hard when you put in so much work (willingly, she's great - and I'm there more than DP with her) but don't get to be there for the special moments.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but any stepmom advice would be great 🥰

You sound obsessed with cuddling your partner's daughter, OP, you've mentioned it such a lot

Should this be genuine, then for her sake, I hope you and your partner don't split up. But given you have no legal relationship to her, you can't expect to be at parental events.

I agree.

Mom is young and enjoys a certain lifestyle that doesn't take a boisterous child into account.

Dad works odd hours - but is there to be the 'fun guy'.

The more responses I get, the more ridiculous I feel.

I have a full time job, work around his kid, never see him... am I blind?

OP, you really are the kind free au pair and spectacularly naive to boot.
If you were my daughter I would be appalled that you feel this is all you deserve.

Get some therapy as your self esteem must be on the floor to think this is all you deserve.

You are 100% being used.

If you doubt it.
Tell him you are going to stay with your family for a month.
His first thought will be childcare, you can bet on it.

You are wasting years on being free childcare for him and the Instagram mother.

Ah I don't instigate it, you know at that age they crawl all over you - poke you in the eyes for fun. I feel like a climbing frame sometimes, but it's never initiated by me

What is in this relationship for you exactly? You prop up their selfish lifestyles with free childcare. Sure, you care about the child which is lovely of course but she isn’t your child and ultimately, this is the first of many situations where mum will want to play perfect instagram mum so you’ll be shoved out. Just leave and find someone without children, way less drama and hassle.

My best friend had both her mum and her stepmum at her graduation — her dad, however, wasn’t welcome 😅

I’m very much of the view that if my daughter has another adult in her life who genuinely cares for her, supports her and keeps her safe, whether that’s my partner or my ex’s partner, I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of them sharing important moments with her.

I can understand that there may be some insecurity for a mum around feeling replaced, but ultimately she is still Mum, and her daughter will know that. Another loving adult being present doesn’t diminish that relationship.

I dont know why you think I was cut out. My daughter lives with me (well, shes at university now) but also had a good relationship with her dad and step mum who are both important people in her life.

Her step mum is welcome to anything if my daughter wants her there thats all.

However, on reading your most recent posts, i'm inclined to agree with others that you're being taken advantage of!

I'm glad you're starting to see things more clearly x

Naive and aware of it.

You're so right. If I did that the panic would rightly set in!

I actually haven't taken any of my 25 days annual leave so far this year - so that's a great idea

Yes, obviously you live together. But I get the feeling (and I think you're starting to realise it too) that you live together because he needs someone to take care of his kid.

How often is she with her actual mother? I'm not sure it is in anyone's best interests if Mom hardly sees her (and you slag her off), Dad hardly sees her and you an unrelated 3rd party look after her but don't have the gusto to go to the school.

Also, sounds like Dad also just showed up for the Insta pic so I'd start looking closer to home instead of flagging mum off so much (I say this as a stepmother).

That's great that you all had a functional relationship :)

You sound like a very reasonable mom who just wants the best for her daughter.

Yeah you're probably right - I'm convenient.

I'd never slag her off - I'm sorry if came across that way - she's her mom and I make Mother's Day and Birthday cards for her to bring back. I'm not her mom - I know that - and I'll always talk positively to her about her mom.

She's with her 2 days a week.

Dad wasn't in the pic - just Mom because they're (obviously) separated. It was his day so he was going to be there regardless.

And it's not, not having the gusto - I just don't want to piss anyone off.

Yes - I see now, I'm a wet wipe.

You sound very understanding - I know it's hard - but it seems like you have her best interests at heart. Adults can be fickle!

You'd have to wonder though - all these posts, similar theme. Will any of us actually take anything on board or are we just here to complain and not make any meaningful changes?

I'd never slag her off
That's all you've done on this thread tbh about the mother

It was his day so he was going to be there regardless.
Was he going to be there regardless? Because you've said that you do most of the parenting. So surely YOU would have been there regardless?

And it's not, not having the gusto - I just don't want to piss anyone off.
So nobody actually told you not to be there? You just didn't go...?

I know I'm very different now, in my 40s, to the 'wet wipe' I was in my 20s and early 30s 😂and would't put up with being used, neglected, or abused. And most of my friends, even the younger ones, also no longer put up with these types of using, useless men. Give it a generation or two and I hope these type of posts will be few and far between.

A few things screaming at me - firstly that you are wfh and doing childcare at the same time. Most employers do not allow this - you can't focus fully on your job and a child. So you could be threatening your own employment security to mind a child that's not even yours.
Secondly, this was dad's day and he did nothing to protect your interests. You are good enough to do all his childcare and instead of saying to mum that you do virtually all the childcare and so you will be there, whether she agrees or not, he just threw you under the bus and let mum dictate the terms!
This isn't a man who has your best interests at heart.
And finally, you have upended your whole life to support his (and by extension, his lazy arse ex's as well) and you aren't even married to this man. You have absolutely no rights to this child that you've poured all your love into. You must protect yourself and start putting what's best for you first.

Absolutely no disrespect to the important rôle you have here, but I’m amazed this shareout of the child between her parents is even legal!
In effect neither of them sees her very much at all. She’s certainly not in her father’s care the majority of the time, as would be the claim, so her fleeting visits to her mum constitute most of her ‘bio childcare’.
( I’d not be at all surprised if the law considers a father’s handy girlfriend as legally an extension of him, so he can be missing 100% of the time so long as she is present!)
I join others in feeling that you could do much better, with far less exploitation, were you single. They saw you coming!

Lots of posts with similar themes, yes. Because generally people don't post unless there is an underlying issue.

I am a stepmother. My SS is here 50/50. We also have other kids. Our wills are explicit (all kids are treated equally - however this is only since marriage, prior my SS only briefly was named in my will). My husband also has in place that should he become incapacitated or die, I take over his guardianship rights. Again, this is only since marriage.

My DH works flexible hours (therefore earning less than me) as he needed to do so for childcare reasons when my SS was younger. This has gone on now to include our younger kids but I contribute more financially as working more hours.

I obviously treat my SS as my own, buy him clothes, cook his meals, do his laundry etc. But I am not the primary caregiver for him. If he was sick my husband would be taking off. For medical appointments or schooling etc I am 3rd on his emergency contact list (his stepfather is 4th purely because I am around longer).

You can absolutely love this little girl and do all the normal parenting things... but you shouldn't be doing the majority. Her father should. And if that means he works a different job so be it.

Oof. bit mean.

I was stating facts - no commentary or judgement on her parenting style.

I have the utmost respect for any mom or dad - I know it's difficult. I was only asking from my perspective.

It was his day to drop - she wanted to go - so I wasn't welcome. Irregardless of how many drop-offs/pick up I do.

She didn't want me there. Her right as her mom to want to have that moment with her daughter. In the moment I was just feeling a bit left out.

Good luck OP, stepmums are the antichrist on MN!
In all seriousness though, step parenting is a thankless task. I suggest you set clear boundaries now with your DH moving forwards. If he wants you to parent his child then he doesn't get to cherry pick what part of her life you can be involved with in the future.
You are not free childcare at the biological parents convenience. Either take a massive step back with the care of DSD or accept that you will be 'used' to their advantage forever more with absolutely zero say in anything!

Plenty of us have received advice and made very tough decisions because of it.

It may take months, or even years, of reading and posting, but once you start to see things through other people's eyes the blinkers can really come off.

I get all the hugs and snuggles and bedtime stories and that's what matters

Yes but you do realise you have no right to this? If dad gets his head turned at work, or if he takes the hump because you use some of your A/L to go away, or if you get fed up of cooking Sunday lunch with no thanks given, then he can decide that you will never see this child again. You can then consult a solicitor who will charge you money to say ‘tough shit’. You have no legal rights at all, and saying things like ‘oh well, she knows who reads her stories and I get the best cuddles’ is breathtakingly naive.

He could decide by 6pm today that you’re out and will never see her again. No goodbye, no ‘here’s my number’, nothing. Just like the poster talking about her sister up the thread.

And the more you do for her, the more attached you both get, the more reliant she is on you, the more you centre her to be your world, the harder it will be. You might still be there for her when she is graduating but it’s all very dependent on other people, and nothing to do with your bond with each other.

But your 'stating facts' were all in a very negative light. Believe me, I get it. I dislike my SS mother and its taken me a long time and a lot of sould searching to reign in the negativity. Just because it's not a direct comment on her parenting style... its still flagging her off. And things liek this can ACCIDENTALLY come out around your SD without you even realising.

It was his day to drop. But does he always drop her to school... or do YOU do it mostly?

And just because the kids biological mother (who is very part time) wanted to go, absolutely does not put you on the backfoot. If you are determined to do majority of the parenting then you need to be a little more stern in the rewards you get to reep! Absolutely no reason all 3 of you couldn't be there.