AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

[notsureifimunreasonable]

Stepdaughter (6) starts her second year of school tomorrow.

Mom and dad obviously want to be there, but I'm not welcome. Even though we have her most of the time, and I do most of the parenting. Been in her life since she was one.

It's not really an AIBU, because I know I am.

I know these moments are reserved for parents, it's just hard when you put in so much work (willingly, she's great - and I'm there more than DP with her) but don't get to be there for the special moments.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but any stepmom advice would be great 🥰

You are definitely not being unreasonable, they are, but as you are left being the bigger person I’m really sorry that you are experiencing this.

Why aren't you welcome?
Could you be there to pick her up instead?

Why are you parenting her more than her actual parents?

Seems strange that you are the primary parent. Why do you have her more than her own mother and father?

I think you need to say to your partner you feel pushed out. Why can’t
you go aswell?

Seems like a very odd setup! hope you aren’t being exploited.

This.

I’m very much of the school of Nacho Step-parenting but in a case where both parents have abandoned their responsibilities and a step-parent is doing the majority of the actual parenting, YANBU to want to be there.

What’s the backstory on why neither parent can be bothered parenting?

Why are you parenting her more than her mum ?

yanbu but a child will want their mum and dad. Separation must be hell for kids in that respect but it’s not fair on the step parents to not be seen as being wanted there. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t appreciate or like or even love you, she just wants her mum and dad to see her at her first day of school

Could you do her a special first day back tea or breakfast if she's with you for either of those? Lucky girl having someone extra who cares for her.

I do most of the parenting

I think this should be a wake call that you’re devoting your life to someone who will ultimately never be your child.

If you and her father split, you will likely never see her again.

Yes, love your step-child but don’t sacrifice your career, free time, time with your family, hobbies and having your own children for someone else’s child.

This is absolutely right.

If they’re going to take the big good stuff her actual parents should be doing the rest of it. Use this as a reason to review the dynamic and step back.

This says it all really!

Honestly, apart from your step daughter, what do you get out of this relationship? Because she’s not your daughter and you can be deleted from her life whenever her parents decide and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your partner is happy with this set up which very much benefits him but not you. This is a fast track to heartbreak for you. You’re convenient because you provide childcare but you don’t have a contract.

Why are you doing more parenting for your step-daughter than her father does? Have you spoken to him about feeling left out when you do pretty much all the childcare for his daughter?

Who normally does the drop-offs and pick ups to and from school?

I would let this go because if you are putting the work in, you do not need to be at the first day of school to know your someone who shows up regularly and consistently in her life.

I can't understand why you shouldn't go too, if the mum is ok with you doing so much. Completely understand if you don't want to go into the backstory, but unless the mum blames you for the break up (and in that case, presumably wouldn't want you near SD), I can't see why she shouldn't let you go too.
What have they said? If nothing else, from a purely practical view, it's good to have anyone who'll be doing pick up ever getting to know the situation (there's often quite a lot of adults walking in with one child on day one)

First day of second year of school isnt really that big a deal.

He works nights and I'm lucky I can wfh 3 days a week to be with her. Not an ideal setup - we rarely see each other either, but I love that my job gives me flexibility to be there.

No backstreet really.

I came into the picture after they had broken up. She was 1 - didn't meet her for 6 months and then I moved across the country to be with them.

I think mom resents the fact that dad has so much help when she doesn't, which is fair. I can only imagine it's a pill to swallow when she goes to her and she's talking about me.

But ultimately, it's all in her best interest.

I'm sorry that you feel pushed out but they sound like idiots. Why is the first day back of the second year of school a big thing? I mean most people take a quick photo by the front door saying back to school, and they have been fun to look back on now that my eldest has finished school but really first day back for anything other than the first day of reception doesn't require both parents to be present. Pretty sure my own kids would've gone to breakfast club anyway. I think they are making it an issue...maybe the Mum is being an idiot because she feels insecure that you are there more than here. Let her get on with it. Kids are smart, they know who puts in the effort for them!

im sorry op but the phrase “nanny with a fanny” comes to mind.

who told you not to go?

is it possible your husband is with his ex at night and youre a secret or something, na i take that back, hed never have time to work and earn money…..

something doesn’t seem right though. why are you the one making arrangements to parent his child? yet unwelcome at family “events” like first day of school?

That rings about a million alarm bells for me. This child is only in your life because of the relationship you’re in. If that ends, you will no longer see her. It makes absolutely no sense to sacrifice your relationship for a child who is only in your life because of that relationship, and almost never seeing your partner would jeopardise any relationship.

You’re putting far too much effort into a child that isn’t yours if you feel ‘pushed out’ on the first day of school. I’d see it as a warning about being over-invested. If you broke up, her actual parents would have to figure it out.

You're the one reading her bedtime stories and getting cuddles. Who puts a plaster on her knee when she falls over, who knows she likes semi-skimmed not full-fat milk.

You're a mum and you love her. And I'm sure she loves you.

Exactly this! She’ll know xx