AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

[notsureifimunreasonable]

Stepdaughter (6) starts her second year of school tomorrow.

Mom and dad obviously want to be there, but I'm not welcome. Even though we have her most of the time, and I do most of the parenting. Been in her life since she was one.

It's not really an AIBU, because I know I am.

I know these moments are reserved for parents, it's just hard when you put in so much work (willingly, she's great - and I'm there more than DP with her) but don't get to be there for the special moments.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but any stepmom advice would be great 🥰

This was my colleagues exact situation right up until the mother came swanning back into the kids life and she was pretty much cut out of it.

I think there have been some fair responses. However, I will say that ultimately a child craves their own parents love and attention more than other caring grown ups. There’s a very deep identity-linked security that comes from knowing they are there supporting you. My point is that, ultimately, she will truly want them there over others. They are what are in her best interest.

If you and your partner split up, you'd have no right to ever see your SD again, and probably wouldn't. I've seen it happen multiple times.

It's not a secure situation for either of you, as at any moment you could disappear from her life forever - and you'd have spent years parenting a child you never see again, while she'd lose an important emotional attachment to an adult.

Generally, it's really not a good idea for you to be the primary caregiver during her dad's custody time, when she's meant to be spending time with her dad and not being fobbed off on his partner. It's negative for both you and her. He should be parenting his daughter, not the woman he's living with.

He works nights and she's staying with you while he's at work? Seems an odd setup as a permanent structure. Why wouldn't she just stay with her mom and go to your house when your partner is actually around to see her?

Anyway, still no reason why you wouldn't be there on her first day. Who told you that you're not allowed?

Absolutely this. My sister absolutely fell for her partner’s children, despite never having wanted children herself. She adored them and did a huge amount of the parenting when they were with her/their dad. When he dumped her (out of the blue, affair), he did it while they were at their mum’s, and would not even let her say goodbye to them. They were too young to have their own phones and relations with their mum weren’t good, so the handovers took place on neutral territory, and my sister had no way of getting in touch with them. She never saw them again. She was heartbroken for a long time. I think she grieved them far more than the relationship.

She’s now very happily with someone else, but has been much more hands-off with his children.

It doesn’t have to be the mum. If the OP’s partner ends the relationship for any reason, she will never see this child again. She shouldn’t be doing most of the parenting for all kinds of reasons.

It's also completely unfair on the child if it happens

I always think it's such a shame when there is conflict.

My youngest is 20 now and her step mum has been in her life since she was 6. I've never met her (exh has made sure that never happened).

But even though my daughter is an adult now, she's known her stepum since she was 6 and I wouldn't stand in the way of her being at any important event if my daughter wanted her there.

However, schools quite often limit the number of adults attending first days at school due to overwhelm for the children and to keep it manageable and safe. In that situation, I think it would be right her actual parents are the ones to be there.

Ah you're dead right - I still get to do all the fun things with her.

She did post a photo on social media - I found that cringe! 'Special' - if you want to call them that, moments - should just be for you. Not for bragging rights.

Big whoop - she showed up for the first day of school - maybe try being in her life day to day? (A bit mean - I know)

That is a very fair point - and look, I'm there for other special moments - I need to get over it.

I'm sure it was hard for you being cut out like that. But at the same time, I can see it from your/her point of view - and that must be difficult.

Although lovely your daughter had more people to love her <3

That's awful :(

You love them like they're your own - like your sister, not sure if I want my own - but I have the loveliest relationship with her.

how come your DP has her the majority of the time? I really do wonder are you being used. As others say, children as they get older always tend to prefer their parents so you’re at risk of getting pushed out either if the mum steps up more, or your DP leaves (although he may not want to give up his free childcare, which of course also enables him to avoid maintenance while not actually carrying out any parenting. Does the mum pay maintenance?)

We live together - so not that odd :)

Mom not overly interested and she's happier here, so in her best interests (maybe not mine from some of the feedback, which is great) to be with us (me).

She felt it would be inappropriate.

But reading the very helpful replies, I get school day one is not a big deal - I get all the hugs and snuggles and bedtime stories and that's what matters.

I actually don’t get the ‘obviously’ on this. Whoever normally does the drop off on the week day that the first day falls should do the drop off. Both parents don’t need to be there and this isn’t something I see at my kids’ school.

You mean he's lucky surely?

Without you he couldn't do such an unsuitable shift pattern.

As a previous poster said (and my mother) 'Nanny with a fanny'. I'm aware - but maybe naive.

She's with us most of the time because it's the best place for her to be. She doesn't want to go to her mom's house. She doesn't get maintenance - but gets all the government grants going!

Mom won't stand up - happier to take the benefits, do f all and have an easy ride.

He could easily leave, but I'm a bit too convenient. Crikey - typing that out is a big red flag in itself!

He couldn't. I've worked everything around them. And I love them both - but I'm getting a few good hard truths here. Thank you

This seems to be with the terriotory of being a step-parent. It might be hard to stomach but it is the way it goes, her mum will precedence in events like this especially as she is a young child. I would recommend you get your own first day pics..a special breakfast /evening school meal. You can be there for the first day celebrations albeit not at the school gate for harmony

It was his day - she insisted on being there for the 'Insta pic'

Mom? :)

Ahh yes, I know a dad who is like this. Doesn’t do any drop offs or pick ups throughout the year but is sent by his mum (kid’s nan) to things like first days to get the pics so she can pretend to her extended family that her son is an involved dad.

That's a great idea :)

And she has my parents too, who dote on her - so lots of love in her life.

I don't post on social media - so the fact that she felt the need to turn up just to post a photo makes me realise the insanity of it all - I get the cuddles :)

Mental! Sad - kinda

I'm a stepmum. There are just occasions when you need to gracefully step back and let children and their bio parents (however absent or present) be the star. Kids instinctively gravitate towards their bio parent too, and that can rub after many many years. But you save yourself a lot of heartache by viewing yourself as more of a sideshow or kindly aunt (yes despite ALL the very good and dedicated work you do).

I would suggest you find your own way to celebrate said child's new school start. Gift her a lovely pencil case? Make her her favourite meal? Treat her to icecream after school once day (and doesn't need to be the first day).

You don't need to be at the school gate but how about a picture of you and her in her new uniform?

Do something special together after school instead.

Children really don’t care about all that first day stuff.