AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

[notsureifimunreasonable]

Stepdaughter (6) starts her second year of school tomorrow.

Mom and dad obviously want to be there, but I'm not welcome. Even though we have her most of the time, and I do most of the parenting. Been in her life since she was one.

It's not really an AIBU, because I know I am.

I know these moments are reserved for parents, it's just hard when you put in so much work (willingly, she's great - and I'm there more than DP with her) but don't get to be there for the special moments.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but any stepmom advice would be great 🥰

Ah thank you for this comment - it makes a lot of sense.

I'm (if I can say so) very productive at my job, and can balance both very manageably - but I guess, reading here, I shouldn't have to.

He didn't - he put his ex first. He always does.

And your right, I have no rights. Annnd - guess what - neither does he. He's on the birth cert but not a legal guardian - so if mom dies - she goes to her parents.

Holy god - I do need to go home for a month and look after myself.

I'm (if I can say so) very productive at my job, and can balance both very manageably - but I guess, reading here, I shouldn't have to.

Your workplace can sack you if they have anything about it in their contracts.

All true - so advice?

They're aware of the situation and made it to fit our schedule. They're great.

Back right off. Appreciate this is not your child and you have no rights to see her and stop providing the parents with freebies. They won’t need you as childcare once she’s at secondary school.

Don't do drop offs or pick ups or extra things. See how that affects your relationship when you’re not cheap labour, and reassess.

A good relationship will survive you backing right away, and her dad will step up while appreciating everything you’ve done so far.

Yanbu. You should all be able to put any animosity to the side for it so SD can have you all there.

@notsureifimunreasonable you sound great.

But I do think your partner needs to see clearly exactly what you do for him. You’re not the default parent, or shouldn’t be.

Please take some time for yourself to figure this stuff out. And don’t let anyone paint that as you ‘not being their for child’ etc.

If he always puts his ex first you are being set up for a lifetime of not being allowed to attend her graduation, being relegated to a table at the back of the room for her wedding (if ex doesn't kick off about you going at all), not being seen as a 'real' grandma to her babies. Assuming your relationship lasts that long. What happens if she gets to be a teen and he figures that he doesn't need childcare now and therefore you? You deserve a partner who truly loves you, puts your interests ahead of an ex and a chance to have your own children if that's what you want in the future. Sorry, I know this sounds really harsh and blunt, but no one here wants to see you get screwed over.

I think you can get parental responsibility orders from the court. You are de facto the primary carer. It wouldn’t give you a right to attend the first day of school, but it would give you the right to be a named contact at school and the GP, to take her on holiday and, in the event of separation, maintain your role as her primary carer.

Would he have his kid 5 days a week if you weren't around?

Sorry if I've missed your age but you do sound quite young. You're obviously thrilled to be bringing up your partners kid but hopefully the responses on here will show you that you're being completely used.

How long did you know your partner before you moved in?

Did he ask you to take care of his kid or did he spring it on you?

Did he have her 5 days a week before you turned up?

These are all important questions.

Rose tinted glasses alert. She's not her mum or stepmum, she's her fathers girlfriend.

The girl spends most of her time at the DF & SM's house and she's been in her life since the child was 1.

Bitter mum alert!

Bitter?

I think the other posters moreso meant that while the OP does all the Mummy things, that can be ripped away at any point.

OP, I lived with a man who's two son's lived with him permanently and saw their Mum EOW. My ex partner's job, meant he started around 6 am and his finish time varied. I was the primary parent, not my ex or their Mum. If I hadn't been for me, my ex couldn't have stayed in his role at work, because it didn't fit in with his children.

Unfortunately, I found out the hard way, what happens when you're the primary parent to children who aren't biologically yours, and the relationship ends. My ex cheated (numerous times) and ultimately I had to leave, and that meant leaving his two son's who I absolutely adored.

I never saw the boys again. I had no legal right to see them. They are now grown adults in their 30's, and we did get back in contact via social media in recent years. On a personal level, having to leave the boys, devastated me, and it took me a long time to recover emotionally. I made a decision, that when I started dating again, I wouldn't date a man with children. I didn't want to go through similar again.

I am much older and wiser these days. I can see when I look back, that I was a 'nanny with a fanny'. My ex wanted someone to look after his children, and I was the stupid idiot who fell for his scheme.

Be careful OP. Don't end up being nothing more than a convenience.

Your husband’s will specifies guardianship will go to you in the event of his incapacitation or death? Was this signed of by the child’s mother? I don’t believe you can legally allocate guardianship to a third party without the agreement of the other biological parent.

The father does not have legal guardianship -was that because he and the Mom were never married? Confused as to why he wouldn't be.

I think that being on the birth certificate gives automatic PR for the child.

Re pp, I don't think a parent can bequeath custody rights to their partner. A partner has no automatic PR - if a parent dies, the other parent assumes full custody. If someone has put that in their will, they should talk to their solicitor because unless the other parent has lost their parental rights, I just can't see how this would be legal.

How do you know she’s happier when she’s at your house?
Also, the first day of the school year isn’t a social event or a milestone to be celebrated and it doesn’t need an audience!

OP, I’m sorry love, but you are being used big time.

You sound like a lovely person, a great mum.

Go do yourself a favour, go find a childless man and create your own family with you as the mum. You’ll be great at it.

I’m sure it would be hard to leave the child, but she’s not yours and they can take her away at any time.

Every year you are with him, is another year wasted when you could create your own family.

You must not be in the UK if that’s the case. If someone is on the birth certificate, then they have PR automatically. The mum would have had to take him to court to get PR removed - even rapists in prison still have PR!

Exactly this! I don’t even understand why both parents want to be there. They're making far too big a deal of it.

You are just free labour.

You are just free labour.

You are very astute to have picked up on that!

In the United States, being listed on a birth certificate establishes legal paternity, but whether it automatically grants custody or guardianship rights depends on whether the parents are married and the laws of the specific state.