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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

404 replies

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 19:01

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

OP posts:
Ithurtstoomuch · Yesterday 20:38

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF

TheBossOfMe · Yesterday 20:38

He’s seeing you as a nanny with a fanny. How much time does he spend looking after them on his own, which includes time when they are in bed, vs you? Calculate that. Either way he’s not a good catch. Don’t waste your life on him. If he wants to game tell him to pay for childcare whilst he does that. It’s not your responsibility to provide it.

BCBird · Yesterday 20:38

This does not bode well. The times his existing children are round he does not change his routine, I doubt that if you do have child, that this will be any different. Don't have a child with this man unless u effectively are prepared to be parenting by yourself.

keepcounsel · Yesterday 20:40

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 19:01

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

what are the hobbies? And - his kids, his problem.

Dymaxion · Yesterday 20:40

Gosh, I wonder why his previous relationship broke down ?

Ooodelally · Yesterday 20:41

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 20:14

I find it very hard because posts on here and other forums say “you know what you were getting into when he had kids”, so when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden. That really hurt me, and I think it made me think that I was being selfish, and not cut out to he a stepmother. His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.

DH also takes great offence when I tell him we hardly spend any time together. He asks me for example - if I say well you’re out doing your hobbies and then DSCs are here so we (understandably) don’t get much couple time… that becomes a “you don’t see my children as family. We spend time with the kids, that’s our time”.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband. I pointed out that he had days to do what he wanted, all I was asking for is a couple of hours in the evening. He said well you assumed I’d be playing a one player game but obviously I meant a two player game.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

He’s mocked you? He’s a cunt. For the love of all that is holy, please get rid of this wanker. Xx

Littlejellyuk · Yesterday 20:41

His dick isn't worth it. He is a CUNT.

You know what you need to do. 💯
Don't listen to his charming bullshit.
DIVORCE and get on the pill. 💊

He's making my blood boil and I don't even know the fella!
SACK THIS TWAT OFF! 🖕
@Turtleneckhead

BCBird · Yesterday 20:41

Just read last bit about him.imitating your stammer. What a vile specimen. U would be better off on ur own.

paomara · Yesterday 20:41

OP, how are you at the moment, are you ok? The responses here are well meant but they are on repeat and that might seem very repetitive to you. You are probably still processing the horror of what has been going on all around you and are now realising the truth of the matter.

Can you talk to someone close who will understand. I know that will probably be tomorrow, but don't wait any longer than that. Share this with a trusted friend/parent/boss whoever and even try Womens Aid if necessary. I know you have been bombarded with LTBs all over the place by now, and it's a lot to process, but try and get something sorted tomorrow. First talk to someone and get an ally. You can do it.

saraclara · Yesterday 20:41

I was already furious with him, and then I read that he imitated your stutter.

That is not the action of if someone who loves you @Turtleneckhead . It's the action of someone who has no respect for you, and who doesn't care if he hurts or humiliates you.

It's time to leave. Do you have somewhere you can go?

BCBird · Yesterday 20:42

He should be the one staying in with HIS children.

Wherearemybaubles · Yesterday 20:43

Frankly, he's already being a total teenager 24/7 so I don't see what difference it would make. My immediate thoughts are: he won't change so stop trying, he got with you to have a nanny for his kids, I'd personally stop trying ttc with him as his behaviour will only get worse.

So sorry but there is nothing you describe OP that sounds like a marriage, a partnership or even a romantic relationship.

Littlejellyuk · Yesterday 20:43

paomara · Yesterday 20:41

OP, how are you at the moment, are you ok? The responses here are well meant but they are on repeat and that might seem very repetitive to you. You are probably still processing the horror of what has been going on all around you and are now realising the truth of the matter.

Can you talk to someone close who will understand. I know that will probably be tomorrow, but don't wait any longer than that. Share this with a trusted friend/parent/boss whoever and even try Womens Aid if necessary. I know you have been bombarded with LTBs all over the place by now, and it's a lot to process, but try and get something sorted tomorrow. First talk to someone and get an ally. You can do it.

This ☝️
This is sage advice 👏
Please get support IRL off someone who you trust OP. 🫂

OneHardyRobin · Yesterday 20:43

Shloopie · Yesterday 19:07

Do notttttttttttt have a baby with this man. Do not. Do not. Do not.

DO NOT.

This, this, this, this, this!

BCBird · Yesterday 20:44

Sound advice from paomara

MyGallbladderIsAFucker · Yesterday 20:45

On the face of it in an isolated thing I don't think it's THAT bad wanting a day where you just let loose and be a bit selfish. I often want a care free day where I have no responsibility. Calling it a teenage day gives my vag the ick.
With EVERYTHING else though aswell. He's a twat.
Don't have a kid with that.

Ohnobackagain · Yesterday 20:46

Holdinguphalfthesky · Yesterday 19:10

YABU to say that “DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.” When does he do any parenting of his kids?

He will expect you to do all the adulting for him in his life. Do you want that?

I’m guessing he’s a teacher, but he doesn’t sound like a good partner and father. I’d seriously be thinking about his behaviour- and his words. Seems to me he’s telling you who he is.

@Turtleneckhead why do you have to stay in? He needs to stay in or make other arrangements. You’re not the default. This doesn’t bode well for when you have kids and I’d be re-considering!

Ohnobackagain · Yesterday 20:46

And his Mum is a CF as well @Turtleneckhead

Anyahyacinth · Yesterday 20:47

You are being used. His DM created this monster …yuck yuck yuck

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · Yesterday 20:48

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 20:14

I find it very hard because posts on here and other forums say “you know what you were getting into when he had kids”, so when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden. That really hurt me, and I think it made me think that I was being selfish, and not cut out to he a stepmother. His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.

DH also takes great offence when I tell him we hardly spend any time together. He asks me for example - if I say well you’re out doing your hobbies and then DSCs are here so we (understandably) don’t get much couple time… that becomes a “you don’t see my children as family. We spend time with the kids, that’s our time”.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband. I pointed out that he had days to do what he wanted, all I was asking for is a couple of hours in the evening. He said well you assumed I’d be playing a one player game but obviously I meant a two player game.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

So I presume you're leaving him now? Because if not, what in the actual fuck is wrong with you? Ignore everything else. He just took the piss out of your speech impediment. There is surely no way you can even consider coming back from that, right?

ClimbTheLadder · Yesterday 20:48

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 19:21

his kids are asleep when he goes out, I’m just in the house as they obviously can’t be left alone.

im more bothered about the time he spends on video games and as a poster mentioned, the complete lack of time he spends with me

Do you think he’ll stay home when they are older and have a later bed time?

He won’t, you’ve already established the pattern whereby you look after them and he acts like he’s single, in that inimitable Mumsnet phrase ‘you’re a nanny with a fanny’. If you have a baby with him you’re even more stuck being the solo parent at home.

Build5bear · Yesterday 20:48

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN CHILD.

How mad are you OP? I don’t mean to be rude, but are you a bit desperate? I’d rather be childless and alone than with this loser.

Build5bear · Yesterday 20:49

Sorry typo. I meant how old are you x

LuckyPeonies · Yesterday 20:49

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

Get rid of him!! You deserve much, much better!!

cmonspring · Yesterday 20:50

Oh op, it just gets worse!! He just wants you there as childcare his dcs! You don’t get any time for yourself and you’re not even their mum! Imagine what things would be like if you have children with this man, you’ll have to do everything on your own, all of the time.