DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

[Turtleneckhead]

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

it is never an easy decision to leave a relationship, it feels as if there is more pain in leaving than staying)

It's an easy decision to get back on the pill and stop TTC. If the OP wants children then leaving ought to be an easy decision too, kids with this guy will be a catastrophe.

I find these threads intensely frustrating. Why are people so often with people they don't like much actively trying to increase the commitment level?

How did this TTC decision even come about? What leads someone to think "This guy isn't pulling his weight domestically. I know, I'll dramatically increase the domestic load." It's beyond my ken. "My kitchen is on fire. I know, I'll start another fire in the hall.".

Oh kindly, please raise your standards and find some self worth. He’s manipulating you.

You have to stay in and look after him children so he can go out four nights a week?!? Not wanting to be an unpaid babysitter doesn’t mean you are unfit to be a stepmother. Tell him you are taking up a hobby that means he’ll have to stay home with his own children some of those nights, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

He’s not looking for a loving relationship, he’s looking for someone to look after his kids so his life can carry on however he wants it. What his mother thinks is no concern.

Put this one back. You deserve so much better. Have you got any good friends IRL that can help you see sense?

Makes you wonder why the relationship with the mother of his children failed.

He's a teacher? I dread to think how he speaks to his students! 😠

He is full of self importance. 😤
He thinks he is always right from what I have read.
He sounds like he's on a power trip and he will twist your words to manipulate you.

The mental gymnastics to keep up with this man are tiresome.
He is not a good man. ❌️

He will twist it further when uou decide to leave him.
Be warned.
Get clever.
Get organised.
GET RID. @Turtleneckhead

Are you even reading all these posts? What part of "he-is-a-wanker-LEAVE-HIM" you don't understand? Why do you keep posting to explain a situation that is un-salvageable? Are you trying to convince yourself he's not that bad? Why post here, if a thousand people are telling you what you obviously refuse to see?

The fact that he teaches at secondary school kind of gives me some perspective of his type of character. He is puffed up with having authority over what he sees as gormless teenagers. He most probably laughs with them and they think he is down with them. He gets off on the “Sir….Sir….Sir” and then comes home and abuses his wife.

@Turtleneckhead- please listen to this ⬆️

He must cover this well at work, though. Colleagues would report him.

He doesn't view or treat you like a wife. He sees you as childcare. To mock you is also seriously disrespectful and borderline, if not actually abusive.

Personally if you have somewhere else to go and stay for a couple of weeks, I'd do so and see how he likes his life when he actually has to take some responsibility as a father. It is totally out of order and self indulgent for a father of young children to be out 4 nights a week at hobbies.

You can do so much better than this. He is chipping away at your self esteem, please, stop letting him.

You sound very vulnerable and he is exploiting your vulnerability. He is a manipulative narcissist and he will never make you happy. For the sake of your future sanity do not have children with him, set yourself free while you can. You can do so much better, eventually you will find someone who will treat you with love and respect, but even if you didn't, being alone would be better than being at the bottom of his priorities.
He doesn't love you , he wants a housekeeper and a Nanny he can have sex with.I get that you love him, but you have at least realised you are not loving the way he is treating you, this is your lightbulb moment, he will never change, more children in this situation will add more to your workload and he will have more to emotionally blackmail you with. He is a selfish pig just leave him and never go back no matter what he promises ( they all make the promises and never keep them) you are worth so much more.

So basically he wants a nanny with a fanny to cater to his whims and needs.

Belittles you to 'train' you to not question him and preys on vulnerabilities like your stammer.

Please get out of this situation OP.

Don’t have a child with him unless you like the idea of doing all the hard graft yourself and becoming extremely resentful of him playing games while you look after ALL his kids as he cannot be an adult.

What’s the point of him? He’s manipulative and cruel. Leave now.

I don't understand the attraction of single men with young kids

If my DH said that, I’d be fine. Each having one day to do as we want with no responsibilities would be great.
But, my DH is a very present parent and partner. I’m a SAHM and he still plays a very active and present part of our kids lives.

if he was like your DH, it would piss me off. He delegates parenting to you and has turned you into a housekeeper and nanny. He is already “a teenager” and expects you to facilitate it.
it would be a hard no from me

What a gaslighting manipulative mother fucker and his mums a right one too. Do not have kids with this pig. Leave and be free of this.

FFS LEAVE THIS LOSER. Do not, under any circumstance, have a child with him. Raise you bar - leave him! god, he sounds like such a loser. And hes a teacher?!

My darling love - run. As fast as you can.

He doesn't want a partner. He wants a mother.

He doesn't understand that you want to spend time with him as man and wife, not mum and dad, he expects you to do all the housework when he is off work and you are not, he is out 4 nights a week and then gaming the rest of the time, he imitates your fucking stutter (that broke my heart) - he's a disrespectful cunt and an absolute waste of space of a human.

Please reconsider this relationship. It won't get better than this - and when you have kids, it will get worse. I can't see a world where you will be less lonely without him, than with him. It is so much harder living with someone that treats you like you're invisible, than living alone.

Honestly, my fanny completely clamped shut just reading about him. He's a selfish manchild. RUN.

I don’t know you, but I want so much more for your life than him. Before kids- now- you still have a chance of happiness! Of being respected and not spoken to like trash. Get out and book yourself a term time holiday. He doesn’t even spend time alone with you.

He clearly thinks that you are his house bitch. It doesn't matter to him that he has a very long holiday and is able to relax nearly all day. The domestic chores belong to his house bitch. Sorry to repeat such a horrible term but this is what he says and what he thinks.

PLEASE do not have a baby with him. It will be 1000% worse. Leave him and find a much better life. Let his mummy look after his children while he swans off to have fun every night. Do not have a miserable life.

Video games, what is he, 13? Read some books, man.

Indeed, and apparently no prep for the term ahead...

I'm the same age as you and I love a gaming session but would never play all day and night (or ask a partner to cook for me so I could game! ), because things need to get done and I don't even have kids.

Don't have a kid with him and be stuck with him in your life forever, cut him loose. You can have everything evening doing what you like when you aren't pandering to a man child. You'll miss the time together at first and it will be hard but it will be worth it.

So you currently provide him with r free childish minding services for his kids and are planning to have another with him while he continues his lifestyle. There is absolutely no evidence in your post that he is willing to change and take his fair share of responsibility fir looking after his children/ your planned baby, or do anything that interferes with his life. The offer to pay for for you to go to a spa on your own, while he games all day on your anniversary, really does show how little he thinks of you as a couple.

Is that the life you really want? . If not, don't have a baby with this man. You may love him and desperately want a baby, but this man seems to love only himself.

He’s a teacher so he talks most of the day. He’s good at talking and you struggle to argue back with him. But that doesn’t make him right all the time.
He whines about being more than a dad and a husband. The trouble is he’s not being a husband. Both him and his mum are pushing you to take his place as a parent but again it doesn’t make it right. If you weren’t there he’d have to be an active parent in the evenings as well as during the day.