DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

[Turtleneckhead]

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

How long have you been together?

You know what’s worse than this?

this, and having a baby tied to him.
this, and having a baby to look after while he complains about being tired yet spends 89% of his time still gaming.

Tell him playing on his game until the early hours isn’t being a teenager, it’s being a boneidle and pathetic pos.

It's not hard to see why his ex wife chucked him back in the pond. The only question is why haven't you?

Please don't have a child with this manchild.

I don't think she should tell him anything. Just immediately get on the pill and leave ASAP.

Unless I'm missing something TTC is batshitmental. I have no clue what was going through the OPs head to think that was ever a good idea.

Ditto the marriage!? Was he really good at the domestic stuff and all of a suddenly got rubbish at it? Seems to me like the OP's thought process was "This guy's rubbish at the things that are important. I know, I'll marry him. Oh, he's still crap, I know, I'll TTC with him. It's just beyond my ken.

He isn't involved with the kids he has now and lumps it on you without any consideration for your needs... What makes you think anything will change after you have a baby together? You're 30, you're still very young. Call it a starter marriage and leave him. He's never going to grow up.

Manipulative men trap women. He will have love bombed her, probably told her tales of how his ex didn’t connect with him or that she was controlling and wouldn’t let him go and do a hobby and then telling her how much of a connection he felt with her etc. Probably introduced her to the kids early to get her to feel more involved and connected too soon. Almost certainly made it look like he was an active parent, doing all the domestic stuff at home (because he had to - there was no one else to do it for him). Probably proposed really early because of his deep their connection us, etc. Then once she was hooked and married to him, he’d have started dropping things like certain chores - he’s so good at manipulation he likely got her convinced that she needed to do more at home so should be doing them. Then it was likely childcare, slowly increasing.

Men don’t get women in this position by showing who they are from the beginning. They do it slowly through gaslighting, abuse, bullying, manipulation, etc. They get into her head and convince her SHE is the problem. Likely isolates her from friends and family so they can’t see what’s happening. If she starts to question he’ll suggest a baby and she will agree, desperate for things to return to the paradise it started as. Little realising that a baby is just a manipulation tactic to shut her up for a while, then a means to trap her and control her.

If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship it can be hard to understand how it happens. You assume they were always an arsehole and can’t understand why she’s made the choices she has. Women in this position don’t need others berating her - they need kindness, support and showing what is happening, why it isn’t normal or right, and help to escape.

Is writing all of this down helping you see what a massive bellend you have married? He sees housework and solo childcare as WOMEN'S work. Wouldn't want such a misogynistic child teaching my children.

Have you at least started looking at leaving him or are you just going to bury your head in the sand and continue to be abused?

Ltb, he quite simply has 0 respect for you and having kids with him will seriously affect your mh.
You have been warned multiple times!!!

You are this mans free labour. I bet he met you not long after finishing with his last partner, he couldn't possibly rear the kids on his own.

Think long and hard before having children with this man.

Apart from anything else, it's dreadful to think this man is a teacher and mocks a stutter.

It wouldn't surprise me if he was on notice to improve.
I'm surprised he's not planning anything for the term ahead, though, he won't get away with that.

I've been in an abusive relationship and I agree it's hard to leave.

In contrast it is very easy to avoid further commitment, and TTC is very easy to avoid, just keep pills hidden in a drawer or in an emergency there's MAP.

Does a lazy guy who has two kids really want the bother of one or two more?

He doesn’t seem to like you very much does he? You’re not happy but he is so why would he change.

You know what to do OP.

Listen to everyone’s advice previously please…. It’s unanimous. I would also add that if a good friend came to you and said what you have, hand on heart, I’m sure you would say you deserve better, don’t have a child with this man, and leave for your own sanity. Think long term. It won’t get any better and by having a child you’re just going to make your future life a lot worse…. You are so young and you deserve better.

This won't get better. He wants a nanny with a fanny. Leave before you are trapped by having his baby and your life turns really horrendous.

LTB. Life is too short for this crap. Please.

He is telling you he doesn’t want any more kids - you need to listen.

You have to decide what you want to do:
having kids with him but him not being involved,
not having kids at all with him but staying with him,
not staying with him and finding someone else who wants to have kids.

You haven’t said how long you’ve been with him or how long he’s been acting like this.

Forgetting about his current DCs and you looking after them etc, most people get to a stage where they don’t want to start again having more kids.
He has already told you that he wants his free time to be doing things he wants to do like gaming etc.
Can you imagine how resentful he’s going to feel if suddenly his free time is being taken up by a baby.

He barely has time for you - he will not make time for a baby.

Get rid, it’ll get worse when you have DC. His kids are his? Why are you effectively babysitting them?

What he says will never make sense because it is designed to twist you up in knots and confuse you. He doesn’t want your opinion, or to find out who you are as a person, he wants you to do and say what he wants.

He has never grown up, or developed empathy.
It is not your job to teach him to be a decent human being. You can simply say, this is not working for me. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It simply means you know what makes you feel good and happy and safe and loved - and from the sounds of it, he is none of those.

Step away from his madness and find happiness for yourself. You deserve so much more.

Another thread you should read @Turtleneckhead is a recent one

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5570563-to-think-a-man-with-five-kids-he-barely-sees-wont-be-considered-a-catch-on-the-dating-scene

Summary - guy seen his first lot of kids while he was with Bezerk, blamed his ex for cheating and ending the relationship. Now he's got another two kids with the OP and has abused them. Doesn't see any of his kids. This could be your future. You already have the abusive (if not physically yet) man with kids he expects you to parent - it's not family time it's him providing no solo childcare for his children.

Wouldn't play games with him either, my abusive ex became physically abusive because I kept beating him in two player games.

This is typical of a bloke who gaslights-making you feel like you’re the one in the wrong when you clearly aren’t. He’s nothing but a cruel, manipulative bastard. You deserve so much more. Please don’t have a child with him. You will seriously live to regret it.

That's completely unfair. OP 's posts demonstrate that she IS listening and that light is dawning.

You are bullying her for absolutely no reason, and speaking to her like that is counter-productive. She needs the encouragement and the confidence to leave. Not someone haranguing her dvd making her feel stupid.

Can I ask if you think it will be any different if you had a baby together or do you think he'll carry on being a selfish w*"ker?!

Come ON!

Do you really not know? You think you may be being selfish/a bad stepmum/controlling?

He's a complete selfish prick. You need to get out, and you most definitely must NOT get pregnant by this man.
I cannot believe you need to be told this. Why is your self esteem so low?