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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

524 replies

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 19:01

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

OP posts:
SquidgyPudge · Today 08:53

He mocked your stutter?
He MOCKED your STUTTER?!

This alone tells me exactly what kind of hideous excuse for a human being you are married to.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you. All you are to him is a free babysitter, cleaner, cook and I am guessing someone to have sex with. Please, please, please, re-read your posts, and I mean really read them, as if someone else, (perhaps a lovely friend that you care about) had written them and think what you would want to say to them.

Can you leave? Is the house in both your names? Do you have somewhere else to go? Please don't have children with him. You can leave right now, today, just walk away and be free to meet someone wonderful and have the life you deserve. Or stay single, either way, think how much lovelier and joyful your life will be.

SunnyRedSnail · Today 08:53

@Turtleneckhead have you ever spoken to his ex? Why did they split up?

I can probably guess...

He shouldn't be taking you for granted looking after HIS children. They're his responsibility so every time he wants to go out he needs to ask you if you can look after them.

I would absolutely NOT be having a child with someone like this.

The term cocklodger springs to mind at the moment...

Get yourself a hobby on the same night as one of his and let him arrange his own babysitting.

Or even better- find a better man!! This one sounds awful.

Nellodee · Today 08:54

I worked with one teacher (he was the union rep and crap at it). He’d go in the staff room and make himself a coffee in a cafetière. Then he’d pour the cafetière down the sink and leave all the grains plastered everywhere. Teachers can be sexist wankers, too.

LauritaEvita · Today 08:54

Get out of there while you’re still young enough to meet someone else to have your family with. You’ll kick yourself for how much time you’ve wasted already once you’re on the other side of this.

He sounds selfish and cruel and like he’s been enabled by his mum all his life. He’s not going to change.

Get yourself a man you deserve- who’ll want to spend time with you and would punch anyone who dared to mock your stammer.

99bottlesofkombucha · Today 08:56

Turtleneckhead · Today 08:14

On the occasions I’ve done something on the night of his hobbies when his kids are with us, he’s got his mum to either come to our house and babysit or dropped the kids there. That made me feel guilty because his mum basically said you two should be working as a team and prioritising the children.

He does look after the kids mostly. But after they’ve gone to bed he’s either going out or on his computer. And I’ve tried to explain that I’d like time together, and his answer is we spent all day as a family. Now don’t get me wrong, I do love my stepkids, but it’s not the same as spending couple time together. My sister and her husband have their shared children and even she said they carve out couple time together, otherwise there’s no spark.

it feels impossible to speak to him. If I say I’m upset, he says he’s the bad guy again, tells me he can see my perspective but doesn’t agree with it, mock how I speak. It feels like a trial… he will say you’ve just said X, and if I say what I meant was bla bla bla, he says well that’s not what is meant by X. Then the next day he’ll act normal again and if I don’t speak he says I’m carrying on bad feeling and I’m never happy.

Hes a teacher yes at a secondary school.

Im 30, he’s 32. Kids are 6 and 7.

Practice clear statements op, ‘I am certainly not happy.’ ‘I am finding it hard to see what you add to my life’ ‘life would be easier without you’ ‘if you think my going out is treating your children like a burden, it’s so much worse when you do it. They are your children.’
’well yes, treating your partner like the unpaid housekeeper does make you the bad guy.’
‘nothing has been resolved and you still treat me badly, of course I’m still unhappy.’

Onefairfish · Today 08:56

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 20:14

I find it very hard because posts on here and other forums say “you know what you were getting into when he had kids”, so when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden. That really hurt me, and I think it made me think that I was being selfish, and not cut out to he a stepmother. His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.

DH also takes great offence when I tell him we hardly spend any time together. He asks me for example - if I say well you’re out doing your hobbies and then DSCs are here so we (understandably) don’t get much couple time… that becomes a “you don’t see my children as family. We spend time with the kids, that’s our time”.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband. I pointed out that he had days to do what he wanted, all I was asking for is a couple of hours in the evening. He said well you assumed I’d be playing a one player game but obviously I meant a two player game.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

He is not more than a dad and a husband, he isn’t really either. He has manipulated you into feeling guilty, when you have nothing to be guilty about, and as soon as you stand up for yourself, he resorts to insults. He has really done a number on your self esteem. Please don’t put up with it.

HotGrapefruit · Today 08:56

Bloody hell OP, I’m so sad reading your posts. Please please leave this man. You have one life and this is no way to live it. X

Firethehorse · Today 08:56

If this is true, I’m in disbelief and despair you still up with this selfish moron and that he gets paid to ‘teach’ children. I wonder if he drips with misogyny in the school setting.
Why oh why would you even consider having a child with this awful specimen of manhood?

FamBae · Today 08:57

What do YOU get out of this relationship op?
He has (and I hate this term but it's so apt) a nanny with a fanny and a housekeeper, who's very obviously being trained to put up and shut up. You sound very lonely. I bet my bottom doller he totally love bombed you. He doesn't come across as a very nice person.

pilates · Today 08:59

There is a lot of deflection from him. Look up DARVO.

Do not have a baby with him.

There was never a clearer LTB than your posts.

So sorry but you will never be happy continuing this relationship.

Wonkybaby · Today 09:00

Well I think we know why his first marriage ended. You are the replacement nanny. Do NOT have children with this man. He has already shown you what kind of dad he is.

Nellodee · Today 09:00

He tells her that the earth is flat -
He knows the facts, and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong.
But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win. He stands his ground.

The planet goes on being round.

Gemilo · Today 09:02

Turtleneckhead · Today 08:22

Also during this argument this week, (on the week he doesn’t have the kids) he’s obviously had free time all day, which is fine. The beginning of the holidays I asked if he could load the dishwasher on days he was off, and if needed hang out washing, he said “now I’m some kind of house bitch doing all the housework”

because you have 9 hours of “me time” a day! Chores take about 45 minutes if that. I don’t get from work until late.

Honestly I try to never say this on MN but on this occasion I really would leave. He sounds really unattractive and selfish. This will be your life - he will never change. Cut your losses and leave him to it.

whippersnapper55 · Today 09:02

Your updates are so depressing OP. Again, I have to ask why on earth you're in this relationship and contemplating having a baby with this man. He doesn't even want to spend any time with you and thinks loading the dishwasher and hanging up washing is your job, even when you're at work and he's home all day! He's a lazy, selfish misogynistic prat and you'd be mad to stay with him. But I suspect you will stay, and continue to post about what a nasty bastard he is.

Wiseplumnet · Today 09:03

He is literally offering to pay you to go away. Take him up on his offer and go away forever.

MooFroo · Today 09:05

He sounds like a complete dickhead - and I never use that word!
he is using you to look after his kids while he acts like a single bloke.

go away for a few days and nights and let him fully look after them - esp when he’s back at work and has to juggle their school runs too.

get out of this shitty relationship where you are being used for free childcare and treated like crap

Millytante · Today 09:06

Bumcake · Today 08:21

When I was your age I’d be out at gigs, restaurants and bars a couple of times a week - enjoying time with my husband and friends. The time for staying in with kids is when you’ve birthed one!

No decent father of two / three is out at a hobby three nights a week.

They are though, to judge by many a post seen in AIBU. ‘Hobbies’ exert one hell of a hold over many fathers, and not a few mothers as well.
It utterly befuddles me.

Not that this reduces the atrocious scandal of this present bloke’s behaviour.

MNLurker1345 · Today 09:07

@Turtleneckhead if you are reading all of our responses and you don’t understand what is happening to you, please understand that he has brainwashed you.

If you feel that you cannot leave this marriage ( it is never an easy decision to leave a relationship, it feels as if there is more pain in leaving than staying) for your own well being then you have lost your autonomy.

I can’t imagine that the children benefit from this marriage because they are in the middle of an abusive relationship.

You may feel that you caring about them and their father doing most of the care, is happy families. They are innocent victims of their father’s abuse of another human being. And I am sure it doesn’t stop there.

Agapornis · Today 09:08

a house bitch doing all the housework
it feels impossible to speak to him

This will not get better once you are pregnant, and I'm not surprised he's divorced (bet you've not heard the real story behind that). He hates women and he doesn't like you. To him you're a nanny with a fanny.

Abuse can start in the run up to/during pregnancy. This is your big red flag to run.

Somerford · Today 09:10

I feel so miserable reading through your updates, OP. What worries me is it seems like he's already laid his abusive foundations and he can manipulate you quite easily now. He tells you that your valid and legitimate feelings are wrong and that you're a bad person for having felt them, and you accept it.

If you get drawn into bickering about how much time he spends on his PlayStation you're going to miss thr far more important issues in all of this. At best you'll get minor concessions from him over things like hobby time (which he'll then use to portray himself as a great guy) but your life won't be any less miserable. Having a baby with this abusive twat will be the biggest mistake of your life, run away.

StarCourt · Today 09:11

@Turtleneckhead I am so worried to hear he is a teacher and would be horrified if I found out he was teaching one of my kids.

Noshowlomo · Today 09:12

This man is a giant ICK! You have to prioritise his kids.. but he doesn’t? Is he on drugs?
Leave him, asap. What a pathetic little prick

MyOtherProfile · Today 09:14

his mum basically said you two should be working as a team and prioritising the children.
Remind her that he is their actual father and absolutely isn't prioritising HIS children.

he said “now I’m some kind of house bitch doing all the housework”
Who does he suggest should be doing it then? You after a full day's work I guess?

@Turtleneckhead he and his mum have shown you who they are and what they think of you. You need to decide if you want this.

MonstrousRegimentRocks · Today 09:14

StarCourt · Today 09:11

@Turtleneckhead I am so worried to hear he is a teacher and would be horrified if I found out he was teaching one of my kids.

I agree. I'm wondering how he presents at work. He must go through all the training, including Diversity and Equality, Child Protection, Safeguarding, etc etc, so he must save all this up for his domestic life otherwise someone would have whistle blown.

MonstrousRegimentRocks · Today 09:14

StarCourt · Today 09:11

@Turtleneckhead I am so worried to hear he is a teacher and would be horrified if I found out he was teaching one of my kids.

I agree. I'm wondering how he presents at work. He must go through all the training, including Diversity and Equality, Child Protection, Safeguarding, etc etc, so he must save all this up for his domestic life otherwise someone would have whistle blown.