DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

[Turtleneckhead]

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

On the occasions I’ve done something on the night of his hobbies when his kids are with us, he’s got his mum to either come to our house and babysit or dropped the kids there. That made me feel guilty because his mum basically said you two should be working as a team and prioritising the children.

He does look after the kids mostly. But after they’ve gone to bed he’s either going out or on his computer. And I’ve tried to explain that I’d like time together, and his answer is we spent all day as a family. Now don’t get me wrong, I do love my stepkids, but it’s not the same as spending couple time together. My sister and her husband have their shared children and even she said they carve out couple time together, otherwise there’s no spark.

it feels impossible to speak to him. If I say I’m upset, he says he’s the bad guy again, tells me he can see my perspective but doesn’t agree with it, mock how I speak. It feels like a trial… he will say you’ve just said X, and if I say what I meant was bla bla bla, he says well that’s not what is meant by X. Then the next day he’ll act normal again and if I don’t speak he says I’m carrying on bad feeling and I’m never happy.

Hes a teacher yes at a secondary school.

Im 30, he’s 32. Kids are 6 and 7.

He's a manipulative wanker. Please leave now.

when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden

Tell him that, since they're not a burden, he will of course be happy to prioritise them over his hobbies and gaming from now on and you'll expect him to be there those evenings.

@Turtleneckhead he and his Mum need to find another person to force their opinions on. Please do yourself a favour and leave them to it. He gets paid to look after kids all day - you don’t.

Time to go…..
He should be staying in when it’s his children’s contact time.
He obviously had his first children fairly young and has moved on fairly quickly, possibly to enable him to continue to lead the life he wants by having you be there to look after them.
You’re not into gaming and he mocks you…
You’re only 30, please don’t stay another 10 years in the hope he changes, definitely don’t have a child with him.
You have one shot at life, he is making you miserable already, when someone shows you who they are, believe it.

OP look up "emotional abuse" and narcissism it might help put context around what you experience with this poor excuse for a man and how you have ended up questioning yourself.

He's not a good father. He's not a good husband. Why would you invest your life in this relationship? You are only 30! You deserve better. You can do better. Move on.

Tell his mum she is wrong. The children have 2 parents and you are not one of them.

I am a little concerned that this man is likely a teacher. I cannot imagine he is any good whatsoever.

So tell me the good stuff about him....

When I was your age I’d be out at gigs, restaurants and bars a couple of times a week - enjoying time with my husband and friends. The time for staying in with kids is when you’ve birthed one!

No decent father of two / three is out at a hobby three nights a week.

Also during this argument this week, (on the week he doesn’t have the kids) he’s obviously had free time all day, which is fine. The beginning of the holidays I asked if he could load the dishwasher on days he was off, and if needed hang out washing, he said “now I’m some kind of house bitch doing all the housework”

because you have 9 hours of “me time” a day! Chores take about 45 minutes if that. I don’t get from work until late.

Goodness, child, just leave him. What's stopping you agreeing with his (obviously correct) words that you aren't happy, find babysitting for the ungrateful dick a burden, and feel disconnected when he ignores everything you want?

Please wake up OP. He is a gaslighting manipulative wanker. His mum is an enabler.

LEAVE.

He is gaslighting you. He is manipulating you and his mum is helping him. This is not a relationship. YOU are evidently not happy and it seemed not allowed to even state it. I’ve not read every reply but all your posts and i’m sure it’s unanimous with what everyone’s telling you.

It’s also very telling why he was single after having two children. He probably as then 50/50 to avoid paying maintainance too….

it feels impossible to speak to him. If I say I’m upset, he says he’s the bad guy again, tells me he can see my perspective but doesn’t agree with it, mock how I speak. It feels like a trial… he will say you’ve just said X, and if I say what I meant was bla bla bla, he says well that’s not what is meant by X. Then the next day he’ll act normal again and if I don’t speak he says I’m carrying on bad feeling and I’m never happy.

Seriously, people like this are pro level manipulators. You can go to them with a genuine and reasonable complaint and end up apologising for making them feel bad. It’s like that saying about playing chess with a pigeon, he’ll ignore all the pieces and shit all over the board. He will ignore anything you say because his aim is always, always to make you be wrong- it doesn’t matter what about, he needs to keep you on the back foot and apologising.

I imagine he also has a spiteful and vindictive streak (evidenced by him mocking you) and would urge you to be careful. If you decide to leave (please leave!) then don’t give him any warning, and do take anything that is important or precious to you. And don’t expect him to play fair.

Leave. Seriously. This is as good as it’s ever going to get. He thinks all this stuff is your job and he doesn’t even spend any time with you as a romantic partner.

Was he doing 50/50 before you came along? I’ve got a feeling that if he was single he wouldn’t be so keen to have his kids so much.

Leave him!! You can do so much better than this. His mother’s feelings aren’t your problem. You don’t have to listen to anything she says nor take her ‘advice’.

Just go, OP. He doesn’t sound like any sort of catch - you won’t miss him and can overcome the manipulation that has stolen your sense of self-worth. A new start on your own is possible and will be the making of you!

Even if the kids didn’t need a babysitter and he gave up gaming, he’d still be a pig not worthy to lick the dirt from your shoes. I wish you all the best for your wonderful new future! X

God help you.
You need serious help if you think this is a reall marriage and that you should inflict this awful arsehole on another child.

It couldn't be plainer.
Inflicting him on another child would be utterly shameful.

He doesn't like you, not one little bit.

Ah well, your life.
It clearly holds no value or worth for you, if all you think you deserve is a nasty user like that.

Oh my goodness, OP! Here he’s actually TELLING you his opinion of you and your role in his life. You are the designated “house bitch”, there to facilitate his lifestyle and hobbies, do the housework and look after HIS children while he’s out enjoying himself.

You’re a wifebot, a domestic appliance, and if you query your designated chores or get “feelings” he gaslights, reverses things and emotionally blackmails you until you backtrack and stay in your lane. It’s a form of abuse.

For the love of all of the God’s, stop trying to have a baby with this man. He speaks to you with utter contempt and mocks you. That’s not a relationship worth having. You’re young and have so much life ahead of you. Get out now. Save yourself.

@Turtleneckhead the reason he doesn’t “carve out couple time” is simply because he doesn’t want to.

Him twisting what you say, him saying x doesn’t mean what you think it does. Him saying you don’t understand what he has said, shows he is trying to convince you that you are stupid and that you are the problem. He is attacking you psychologically. No wonder you feel the way you do.

He has succeeded! Please stop talking about him and what he does. We get it! Now let’s talk about you. Has he isolated you?

As long as you stay in the home he will constantly use his methods to undermine you and make you feel guilty, make out he is the victim and that it is all about you not caring about his children.

Guess what, you do not have to care about his children.

He is using his children as tools to control you. Walk away and let him continue to be super dad. He and those children don’t need you. Let him and his mum work together as a team. They are her grandchildren. They are not your children.

Just go, op. You have one life, don't spend it with this selfish gaslighting guy and definitely do not have a child with him. He does not love you, not really, not you as an actual person of your own.

OP please re-read what everyone is telling you. Stop listening to what he says and pay attention to his actions. You can’t win an argument with a manipulator. He’s been doing it all his life so he’s an expert. You can see he guilt trips you, mocks you, shames you, tries to appear the reasonable one. And this makes you doubt yourself and your own judgement. It’s classic gaslighting and part of emotional abuse.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

This will be your life forever. He will never share the load. You will end up doing everything. And then when the children get older (if you were foolish enough to have children with him) he’s the type to say this is HIS time now and he wants to retire. About 45. When the hard work of child rearing has been done. So then you have to be breadwinner and domestic servant.

Please get some therapy with someone who understands emotional abuse and manipulation.

Just want to add to the groundswell so you are more likely to see and hear it.

PLEASE LEAVE HIM!