DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

[Turtleneckhead]

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

Doubting yourself is a sign you are in an abusive relationship. I’ve been there and it was subtle manipulation and took me a long time to recognise. It’s sometimes hard when you are in the middle of it and it just seems like helping someone out day to day. Look up DARVO making himself the victim when you stand up for yourself is a classic tactic. You are already alone so don’t be scared of leaving.

He is abusive and gaslighting op

Remember it's not up to him to decide what your boundaries are. Or what you want in a relationship

The gaming sounds pathetic selfish and honestly so deeply unattractive

Please leave him op you will feel better immediately

Obviously don’t get pregnant, that would be a terrible idea just as marrying him was. Now you can see why his first wife left him… He’s already acting like a teenager daily and he uses you for childcare to make it happen. Leave. Now.

He's manipulative and his mother is backing him up.

'If they were your bio kids, you'd stay in with them'... well, firstly, they are not. He's their dad. They are his responsibility. But even if they were your bio kids... you think most husbands go out several nights a week leaving their wives at home with the children? That isn't a marriage I'd want.

If I were you, I'd stop ttc, cut my losses and divorce him. You can do better.

He mocked your stutter!

It won't get better from here.

On the bright side, at least you don't have kids and you're not tied to this man for life. You must leave (or kick him our, depending on whose place it is).

I feel sorry for his kids, they're the real losers here, because they're stuck with a shit father.

Please value yourself more and don't let him gaslight you into staying to be his unpaid babysitter.

He's totally wacko !

Now you know why his first marriage broke up...

It is blindingly obvious why the relationship with his children’s mother broke down: he’s a selfish loser. Do NOT have a child with this man. Run as fast as you can.

Men with hobbies don’t dial them back when they have children. Men with ingrained entitlement and selfishness don’t magically change when they become a dad.

You deserve much more.

So he doesn’t look after the kids he has already he palms them off and you’re actively trying to make another one with him? Why?

Whilst you are staying in with this man’s children, there is a high likelihood that his ex-wife is sat at home, missing them and wishing she had them with her. The reason she doesn’t is because if she had him all the times he is not there to look after them (which is how it should be), he would have to pay her maintenance. He doesn’t want to have to do this, but he also doesn’t want to have to make changes to his life to hold up his part of the bargain. This is where you come in. You’re enabling this stingy, selfish, lazy man to cheat his ex-wife and avoid his responsibilities.

Right now, you probably feel embarrassed and ashamed and can’t believe you got in this position. You maybe think that his kids are lovely and you don’t mind spending time with them and you’d love to have kids of your own.

None of this is your fault. You can still have kids in your future. That lovely family unit that you’re prepared to invest so much into is still out there. Imagine how much better it would be if you were partnered with someone who was prepared to put in the same amount of effort that you do. That’s the goal. It’s a totally achievable goal - but it will not happen with this man.

This man will kill your dreams. If you have a child with him you will be bound to this selfish prick forever and he will be a massive barrier to you having the future happiness you deserve.

Restart whatever birth control you were on right now. You can sort everything else later.

run... and don't look back. He will never change.

So you're a nannie with a fannie and he's not even pretending you aren't.

I promise you he won’t change. I’ve been there.

You're enabling him to live like a teenager every day. How are you sexually attracted to that man child? I can't mother someone & then have sex with them, it feels wrong. Ewww.

Wtaf I have no words
First he needs to look after his Kids
Second u need to leave him
The end

He is manipulating you OP. He has an answer for everything and that makes you confused and feel like you are in the wrong, especially as his mum backs him up - it sounds like she has brought him up to be an entitled man child.

Look get this in perspective: it is not you that thinks his children are a burden, it’s him. He wants to be a teenager at 32 and spend all of his time on hobbies and gaming rather than look after his children. It’s not your job to stay at home minding them, it’s his.

Don't listen to his words, he’s a skilled gaslighter, observe his actions. He’s basically installed you as the children’s nanny. He has sex on tap, a regular babysitter and he can therefore carry on his life as if he was a single man. Of course you’re not unreasonable wanting to spend adult time with your husband. That’s normal; watching TV, having a leisurely supper, getting the chores done between you, inviting friends round. But he doesn’t want that, he wants to do his hobbies and his gaming.

Honestly I don’t think I could find such a selfish manipulator attractive. Think about going to therapy so you can learn to see things from your own perspective and really I think you should leave as he will never change,

What about this man’s behaviour makes you feel he will be a good parent to your children? Do you really think he will share an equal part of the load? Do you not think you will end up with even
more childcare as you are looking after your own anyway so can take his? He will just live his best life on your labour even more than he is currently. He is obviously not going to stay in at all. Does he do equal housework now? If he is off for 6 weeks that should be close to 100% atm. He dismisses your complaints, gaslights you that his children are your responsibility and basically runs away to game whenever he can. WHY would you choose this life?
Lastly, for god’s sake don’t have his baby if he behaves like this.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband.

He’s not much of either. He doesn’t take care of you or his children’s needs. You’re a nanny with a fanny and he’s a sexist, selfish pig.

Leave him.

Bullying you over your stutter is enough to make me pack my bags.

However I am curious to know what his hobbies are. Does he ever try to invite you by suggesting a babysitter?

Oh, my God... OP, if you even consider having a child with a man like this, or if you think you may be the one in the wrong, or controlling, you have big issues. He's an absolute loser, and if you need help to see this, you're in trouble. You need to work on your self-esteem, get a divorce, and whatever he says or does, DO NOT go back to him. A man who plays video games and shares no time with you? A man whose dream day is playing video games for an entire day? OP, you must be very young, to even put up with this. Please grow up, get a move on, or your life will be hell for the next few decades.

This is exactly what happens in coercive relationships. It’s sick levels of manipulation. As I said before, I still have responses that I learned in a relationship that ended over a decade ago, but when I finally left him I was actually a shell and down the line, ended up in a very dark place. I have no doubt that the mental health problems I had were exacerbated by having been manipulated and coerced and gaslighted. It’s useless trying to argue with them. You have to stick to ‘grey rock’ responses, have someone else with you when you discuss things. And never get into important stuff verbally. Get it written down. I mean legal stuff when you leave him (please leave him. He is actively harming you). Can you go now? See a solicitor about it. Take a step.

Another LTB and joining the chorus pointing out that he is selfish and emotionally abusive.

He doesn't respect you and feels free to mock you. You're just there to babysit his existing offspring.

His misogynistic enabling mother can go in the bin too.

Absolutely DO NOT have a baby with him or you'll end up permanently trapped, or sharing them part-time with the next partner who's suckered in for child care.

You deserve much better than this man-child, and any children you have in the future deserve a better father.

@Turtleneckhead I will join several others in saying THIS IS COERCIVE CONTROL.

He bullies you into questioning your own thinking and imagining that everything is somehow your fault. It’s designed to make you feel helpless and powerless - but you are not.

PLEASE GET HELP. First off, speak to someone supportive to gain a sense of perspective and work out rationally what’s best to do. A charity like Women’s Aid or even your GP and of course any good friends or close family.

It would also likely be good to pack a bag and go stay with a good friend or family for a bit, so you have some space to get your head straight without him telling you what to think. Ultimately though I think you know what you have to do.

Good luck. I really hope it all works out for you and let us know how you go on x

So he married you to mind his kids?

U have a baby, nothing will change. You will take child out by yourself while he does his hobbies and games and has zero interest

Sorry OP, but you are the living definition of 'A Nanny with a Fanny'.

He guilt trips you into staying home to watch his kids simply because he doesn't want to !

He spends all his 'free time' doing exactly whatever the hell he wants to, because YOU'RE the one he sees as responsible for childcare, regardless of them not even being your bloody kids!

He never wants to spend any time with you because he's not interested in doing that. You're a utensil, a necessity at home, so that he is free to do whatever he wants to without having to care for his OWN bloody kids!

The claptrap about you seeing his kids as a 'burden' is pure projecting on his part, because they're NOT your responsibility, they're HIS responsibility ffs!

He's relying on YOU to do all the 'childminding', while fucking off to his 'hobbies' and leaving you alone, but still stuck at home.

He's already living the life of a teenager.
He ignores you.
He dumps his responsibilities onto you.
He spends ALL his 'free time' doing what HE wants to do.
He belittles you.
He mocks you.
He does everything he can to make you feel small/guilty/selfish.

It's up to you whether this is the life you want, but I can guarantee you that if you 'down tools' and refuse to stay at home with his kids, he'll really get nasty, because what's the point of you, unless you're doing his work for him?

That's all he wants. He's not in love with you, and I actually doubt he likes you very much either. If he did, he'd actually be wanting to spend time with you and not shut himself off in a room playing video games ffs.

I think you'd be a whole lot happier dumping this manchild and finding yourself a partner who actually values you as a person, and not as a household appliance...