DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

[Turtleneckhead]

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

He is truly evil and vile making fun of your speech

All the messages must be overwhelming. Do you have someone IRL to confide in family or a close friend that is trustworthy?

As for discussing the situation with him there is no discussing it because he knows when he's doing and he doesn't care

You found out that his mother is not a safe person to talk to so I would not ever confide in or say anything to her again

If you decide to leave him I would not discuss it or tell him in advance. he seems like a bully.

What a dick

LTB

This. It’s why she joined in with the guilt-tripping - she doesn’t want to be lumbered with sole responsibility for these kids either when it’s his time with them. Poor children.

You really need to learn critical thinking. Flip flop thinking depending on who you're listening to , isn't the best way to live your life.

You are not a child and you must make your own decisions and act on them

You need to make sure that you are happy

If you are not happy change your life until you ARE happy

Ignore anyone who says this is selfish. It isn't

Please do not become pregnant, it would be a big mistake. The man is a waste of space, you must be able to do better.

Out of curiosity op, I have a few questions:

How old are his children?
How long had he been separated when you two got together?
How long were you dating before he proposed?
Looking back now, do you think he love bombed you at the beginning?
How long have you been married, and how long have you been together altogether?

your comment about his kids being
in bed asleep when he does his hobby suggests they are quite young… which makes me think he lifebombed you and moved particularly fast, not really giving you the chance to see what he was really like.

What is his hobby that’s so important he has to do it 4 nights every single week and it takes precedent over being a father?

Did he actually ask you to look after the kids during this time, or did you just find yourself doing it?

Does he ever have any one on one time with his children? If so - how much?

You mentioned he’s on the 6 week summer holiday break… is he a teacher and if so what age group is he teaching? I’d be very concerned if I found out a man like him were teaching my kids in case any of his personal views make their way to them.

I can’t remember if you gave your ages - is there an age gap between you? Who’s idea was it to start trying for a baby?

you may not want to answer these, but please at least think about them yourself as it might start to clear the confusion.

Fuxking hell @Turtleneckhead- get rid of this loser. Now. He’s using the living daylights out of you. Look up coercive control- it’s a form of domestic abuse. You’re a victim.

You know what OP? You could be the most unreasonable person on the planet (you're clearly not though) and you can still leave a husband who is not meeting your needs. This is your life.
I think you can do do better than a man who treats you like the babysitter, makes fun of your speech, gaslights you, & wants to play video games for a whole day...
God it pains me to read of women treated this way by feckless husbands.

And I said I don’t really like playing games and it’s not the same and then he said basically that ok you don’t think we’re connected that really hurts me, is all this a lie?

Plainly OP, yes, this is a lie. He isn’t upset that you aren’t connected, he’s upset you’re calling him out on his entirely self-centered view of how evenings should go and asking that your likes and interests be given the same consideration as his. I’ve rarely seen such a blatant piece of selfish manipulation.

Do you mock him when you’re frustrated with him?

I have never said this on MN in over a decade of being on here but you need to stop trying for a baby with this man and make plans to divorce and leave.

He is using you to take care of his children so that he has an unpaid babysitter while he does his ‘hobbies’.

How old are you OP - this man is a grade A gas lighting tosser - do you not see how bad this is?! Do not bring another child into this.

OP this is an awful man. Please, please don’t have a baby with him and end up tied to him for life.

Nope. Tell him to get in the sea.

Sounds like you already have three children, although luckily two of them have another mum as well. Put the TTC on hold immediately until you figure things out and are absolutely sure you really want to become a single mum to one more.

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS LOSER. Are you really married ? He’s really caught you here hasn’t he. A nanny with a fanny. RUN RUN RUN……

He is a gaslighting piece of shit OP. I had an ex who used to do the same thing. By the end of the relationship I didn't know who I was or what I believed anymore.

Do not have a baby with this man. He will leave you to do literally everything. His mum is just as bad as he is and will assist him in taking advantage of you- she is likely the reason he is the way he is.

Don't put up with someone who ignores your feelings, mocks you, and twists your words to make you feel like you are going crazy. This relationship is not real love, not from his side anyway. It's manipulation and using.
Run.

@Turtleneckhead

BONG BONG BONG! DARVO alert, DARVO alert! He is taking situations where you are right and he is wrong and turning them around to make you look like the 'bad guy and he (or his DC) the 'victims'. You can and will never win when someone does this, all you can do is make the changes YOU think are needed without 'consulting' with him. And those 'changes' can include leaving. Because no, his behaviour is not compatible with a good marriage.

For example there is no 'obviously you have to stay in' on his hobby nights. You are choosing to do that (no blame). But you could easily tell him that from now on if there is something you want to do on those nights you're sure he will be happy to cancel his hobby to stay with HIS children. After all 'they're no burden, right?'. In fact, I'd probably sign up for a book club, hobby, or class on some of his 'hobby nights' myself just to see how 'not a burden' he finds them. And if he complains, remind him that looking after his children shouldn't be a burden to him since he believes it's not a burden for you. And his mum is backing him up because she doesn't want to be called on to babysit 4 nights a week. Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander.

As far as his gaming habit, it's sort of the same thing. You aren't going to change it, but in this case you can either put up with it or leave.

And FGS do NOT get pregnant unless you are planning to be a single parent who has no real support from the other parent.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

What's obvious about it? Surely the obvious course would be for him to miss his hobbies and stay home with HIS kids when they are at his home?

What's stopping you from leaving OP - is it finances?

Your husband is manipulative and controlling. He turns everything against you so you feel like a bad person. You are not a bad person. He's a jerk who has convinced you that you don't care about his kids if you don't stay home with them 4 nights a week alone with them. HE is the Dad. He should be home with them whether they are awake or asleep. You have a right to go out and see people whenever you please. Please leave him.

Please OP, do not start that baby.
This is a textbook step in shackling women to guys like him, whose own kids need another mum while he fecks off and enjoys the single life. They get you pregnant so you'll automatically encompass his older kids into your own mothering embrace, and this will prevent your leaving, or having any future independence.
Anyone reading your post will recognise this crafty process, along with the manifold ways in which he makes you doubt your own senses: I usually avoid the term, but by God, it constitutes gaslighting, on top of his other abuses.

There is nothing to be said in favour of this relationship. All it is doing is robbing you of your vitality, your optimism, and belittling you and erasing all sense of yourself, all the while enslaving you as his housekeeper and childminder.
Why would you stay?

Why husband if ex-husband shaped?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles
Read this op
You might not consider yourself as being abused, but by God you are. Talking is going to get you nowhere with him. Pack your stuff and go. Don't consider couples therapy with an abuser. He's done such a job on you, you'll end up in a worse position. Go, dont look back.

Just read that he imitated your stutter - he's an absolute bastard, he really is, and you need to leave him. Now!
My son has a stammer and I'd take apart anyone who took the piss out of him for it.
He doesn't deserve you. He's very clever at turning it all back on you (and his bloody mother can fuck off too!) in order to keep you subservient but please op, see the light - you're kind, you're loyal and you can do so much better than this loser x