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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

404 replies

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 19:01

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

OP posts:
DurinsBane · Yesterday 23:19

OneFineDay22 · Yesterday 23:04

Sorry, colleagues or other people imitate your stutter? I don’t think this is ok either. I can’t imagine any context in which it would be.

Show quote history

Rare, but it has happened a handful of times. The industry I am in has quite a bit of mick taking and banter, I don’t mind

Polly271220 · Yesterday 23:21

He's taking the piss....go out on the nights he's due to have them rather then you staying with them....Will show you what he's all about! You deserve better

Maray1967 · Yesterday 23:21

Bringemout · Yesterday 23:15

For fucks sake if he saw his own children as important he would be home. You aren’t their parent he is. They are not your kids, they have parents, why are you making your life worse to look after other peoples kids. Just get rid of him, you are a babysitter who provides sex and your MIL is a total bitch.

This is so shit, just stop.

Sums it up perfectly.

OP, get your standards up off the floor. He is vile and his mother is just trying to make sure she doesn’t have to do the babysitting.

He is guilt tripping you. Stop trying to work out what he means and just look at what he does. My DH and DSs are all gamers and none of them behave like this. He can’t be bothered with the kids he already has. Why on earth would you think he’ll be a good dad to another one?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · Yesterday 23:21

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 21:50

I get so confused. I know you’re all right. But then when he speaks I feel like the unreasonable one. He said that playing games together is like watching a film together. And I said I don’t really like playing games and it’s not the same and then he said basically that ok you don’t think we’re connected that really hurts me, is all this a lie? I think we’re connected and you obviously don’t, it feels horrible.

and then I’m like am I being unreasonable, am I a total idiot for getting upset over a game? And then I read here and I’m like actually I’m not wrong.

I don’t even know what I think anymore

You do know what you think. You must do, you just made a really clear opening post about it. You know exactly what you think.

The problem is that you just don't trust what you think. And what you feel.

So start there. Make that your core. If you think it, or feel it. It's true. No matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise. Its. True.

You feel unhappy, that's because you are unhappy. You feel neglected, that's because you are neglected. You are you. Your thoughts and feelings are you. Stop ignoring them because a dickhead tells you to.

Autumngirl5 · Yesterday 23:27

Shloopie · Yesterday 19:07

Do notttttttttttt have a baby with this man. Do not. Do not. Do not.

DO NOT.

Love this!

Cheesemaker26 · Yesterday 23:28

RemindMeIn15Minutes · Yesterday 19:15

Don’t look after his kids for him. Don’t have a baby with him. In fact, get a divorce.

Yep. This sums it up.

PaperMachePanda · Yesterday 23:35

Run a mile op.

He sounds like an utter loser.

TallSturdyGirls · Yesterday 23:35

Never have I ever had a clearer. Juat walk away answer than for you. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM.

Oxo01 · Yesterday 23:37

Well just to start with short term

Pack some bags go to friends / family or hotel if you can to sort your thoughts out.
Leave a few hours before he goes out to his hobbie, leave a note or text / call him once you have gone
( do not say where you are) to say that he needs to stay with his kids as from now. Alternately he can get his Mother to look after them as she seems to think its your or anyones job except his.
So you nominate her as future child sitter seeing as likes to enable him to act like he is single with no commitments.

Do not let him persude you that he will change, he will not.
This is not someone that you should have a child with ever.
He accepts no responsibilty for his own kids or has time for you and is using you therefore you really should be sorting out your future without him sorry.

MMUmum · Yesterday 23:39

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 19:01

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

He's shown you he has no time for children, he uses you as his children's nanny, do not have children with someone who has the mental age of a child himself

WerewolfOfLoudon · Yesterday 23:40

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 22:41

He said I worked myself up over nothing and then he was frustrated because I wasn’t listening

Show quote history

Does your workplace have an Employee Assistance Program? You need to talk to someone in real life. He is abusive. He demeans your feelings and blames you for him being a complete bastard.

Get some help to round up those ducks before he shoots them.

5foot5 · Yesterday 23:41

TallSturdyGirls · Yesterday 23:35

Never have I ever had a clearer. Juat walk away answer than for you. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM.

Absolutely this.

@Turtleneckhead Please get away from this awful manipulative man. He is Soooo taking you for a sucker.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM!!!

Listen to the people on here and make your exit plans as soon as possible

InterestedDad37 · Yesterday 23:42

He's really taking the piss, to be honest!

CypressGrove · Yesterday 23:43

Look , this wouldn't be acceptable if these were your biological children so you can completely ignore the attempted guilt trips and dump the lazy, selfish fucker.

KarenNextDoor · Yesterday 23:44

Sounds like hes reverted back to a teenager and youre his mum! Stop ttc. Do not have a child with this man. Get rid, hes just not good enough quite frankly

DoloresDelEriba · Yesterday 23:44

OMG run don’t walk, away from this loser. He doesn’t give a damn about you.

InterestedDad37 · Yesterday 23:45

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 20:14

I find it very hard because posts on here and other forums say “you know what you were getting into when he had kids”, so when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden. That really hurt me, and I think it made me think that I was being selfish, and not cut out to he a stepmother. His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.

DH also takes great offence when I tell him we hardly spend any time together. He asks me for example - if I say well you’re out doing your hobbies and then DSCs are here so we (understandably) don’t get much couple time… that becomes a “you don’t see my children as family. We spend time with the kids, that’s our time”.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband. I pointed out that he had days to do what he wanted, all I was asking for is a couple of hours in the evening. He said well you assumed I’d be playing a one player game but obviously I meant a two player game.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

This alone is reason enough to kick him into touch.

arethereanyleftatall · Yesterday 23:47

If you do one thing as of today op, stop having sex with him or at least get yourself on contraception first.

do not have get pregnant.

then read this thread over and over until you understand that he is a thoroughly horrible man who you should not be inflicting as a father on a child who does not consent to it.

PS5Gamer · Today 00:18

“His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.”
Why isn’t their Dad staying in with his biological children!!!

Do not have a baby with him, he sounds controlling and abusive. Get your contraception sorted! You deserve so much better than him. Leave him, he has no respect for you. You are free child care!

theodoretrout · Today 00:42

Sounds to me like he's being a teenager on all the other days as well. I'd dump him

goldenpanda · Today 00:46

On the days the kids are here they are almost 100% his responsibility - he’s their dad. He can have game nights when they’re not at your place.

Why is he not doing this already?

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · Today 01:03

When are you meant to have hobbies? The 3 days remaining, meaning you have no evenings together whatsoever? Suggest this and see what his response is - not encouraging I’ll bet.

LiuBei · Today 01:07

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 21:50

I get so confused. I know you’re all right. But then when he speaks I feel like the unreasonable one. He said that playing games together is like watching a film together. And I said I don’t really like playing games and it’s not the same and then he said basically that ok you don’t think we’re connected that really hurts me, is all this a lie? I think we’re connected and you obviously don’t, it feels horrible.

and then I’m like am I being unreasonable, am I a total idiot for getting upset over a game? And then I read here and I’m like actually I’m not wrong.

I don’t even know what I think anymore

To be clear:

  • He says playing games together is like watching a film together (I can see it)
  • You say you don't like games, and you would watch a film together that one of you hates (Fair - I think you're right)
  • He says "woah woah woah, so you don't feel connected - that's so mean" (a mad response)

This means that literally any concerns you have about the relationship gets flipped into you being mean. This is not a good man.

JJWT · Today 01:10

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 21:50

I get so confused. I know you’re all right. But then when he speaks I feel like the unreasonable one. He said that playing games together is like watching a film together. And I said I don’t really like playing games and it’s not the same and then he said basically that ok you don’t think we’re connected that really hurts me, is all this a lie? I think we’re connected and you obviously don’t, it feels horrible.

and then I’m like am I being unreasonable, am I a total idiot for getting upset over a game? And then I read here and I’m like actually I’m not wrong.

I don’t even know what I think anymore

He is completely gaslighting you. This doesn't sound healthy or enjoyable for you. You deserve better. It's easier to extract yourself if you don't have any children together.

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · Today 01:14

Turtleneckhead · Yesterday 22:41

He said I worked myself up over nothing and then he was frustrated because I wasn’t listening

Show quote history

It wasn’t nothing, bc it matters to you. Was he doing any active listening to you?

He’s dismissive of your feelings bc he doesn’t care about them and they impact and threaten his lifestyle. It’s sad for you and the kids bc men like him settle with women as soon as they split from their children’s mother not bc they’re wildly in love, but bc they’re desperate to palm off the responsibilities of being a parent but don’t want to do less than 50:50 bc of the optics to their friends and family etc and also bc of child maintenance payments.

Guilt tripping you bc you don’t want to parent his children more than him is an old trick these arseholes pull to manipulate you.

Your life will be hell if you have a child with this man - you will have no life other than being trapped at home caring for his entire brood while he acts like a single teenager. Please divorce him, he’s even enlisted his mother to brainwash and browbeat you. Get out!