DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

[Turtleneckhead]

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

Stop looking after his children. Tell him his hobbies are off the cards when his children are on their week at your place. Then make plans for yourself - go out - leave him in charge of his own children.

You are simply looking after him and his children while he plays.

Why is it ok for him to ask you to do the thing he likes but he won’t compromise and do something you enjoy. You can’t have a relationship where only one person gets to do things they enjoy.

when he speaks I feel like the unreasonable one
and
I don’t even know what I think anymore

Sorry OP, that is exactly how manipulation works.

No, OP, no. Imitated your stutter? To deflect and hurt and put you down all at the same time? No.

OP, know that there are so many women out here right now supporting you. He is cruel and manipulative. You need to end this before you fall pregnant. Not tonight, but soon.

His mother's support is to enable him and to make sure SHE doesn't end up looking after the kids.

Listen carefully to why his first marriage did not work out. Listen for the truth - I would lay money on the issue being exactly the same as what you are experiencing but he will probably have described it as his ex "not understanding him/not feeling connected/not caring about his needs etc".

You are not in the wrong here and your feelings are not wrong. He is using and abusing you.

This is why you have to get out. Manipulators and con men, convince you that what they are selling is good. That who they are is who you want to be with. That he is right and you are wrong. That up is down and down is up. He is messing with your head.

If you are sad now, imagine how much sadder you will be looking after a baby all alone (it’s so so tough even with a partner in the trenches with you) as well as his children half of the time. He’s obviously not planning on changing, he thinks it’s fine to leave his kids who aren’t yours with you, so he will certainly be leaving your own with you. Please don’t bank on him changing. He doesn’t sound cut out to be a husband or a father.

@Merryoldgoat Gaslighting and manipulation are real. This man has worked a number on @Turtleneckhead your impatience has no place here.

Are you in therapy for your self esteem issues or are you too busy working and babysitting to do that?

@Turtleneckhead, he is cruel!

What you need to see here is that there’s no space for your feelings or perspective. If he can’t get his way, he turns into a victim. You’ve come to him because you’re feeling hurt and disconnected but the conversation ends up being about how you expressing your feelings makes him feel even MORE hurt and disconnected so suddenly you’re the problem.

In healthy relationships both partners see problems as something to work together to solve. They don’t make one person the problem.

O this is awful, he's using you as a babysitter, so that he can go out and live his life as he wishes. Think about your own hobbies and needs, he doesn't appear to be acknowledging them, this will become worse if you do have a baby, the loneliness will worsen and intensify. I think i would be considering my future. Have you considered couples counselling? I would start there. My ex did not listen to me or agree to anything i suggested until i was finally ending tje relationship. How do you want the next 10yrs to look?

There's nothing confusing about it - you're being used by a selfish man baby who wants to spend his time playing video games instead of having a healthy adult relationship with you. This is not a person that you want to father your child. He's quite happy to leave you to stay home with his kids most nights so he can go out and enjoy himself.

Stop being a mug. End the relationship and work on yourself. Get some counselling. If you stay with him, you'll have many more years of misery ahead of you.

If all he wants is to be left alone to play video games then leave him to it. Leave him. This isn't a marriage and he can't even look after the kids he has. Please don't have a baby with him. You'll be sad and lonely, more so.
I said to my partner yesterday I would never go out with a gamer if I was ever single again. It's a time drain and addictive. My brother used to stay up all night and is pretty bad still now. Not compatible with family life.
He sounds selfish and mean to you to boot.

So he does realise that all these hobby nights and the all day gaming will have to stop when he is a FT parent to a baby, right?

So basically he doesn't ever choose to spend time with you, he just games and does his hobbies? It doesn't sound like you are any kind of priority in his life. And yet, if you were to leave, how would he carry on with gaming and hobbies when his are children there?

You are a babysitter. He will say and do anything required to keep you on the hook, because otherwise he will have to go through the process again to get someone else on board to enable his life. Don't have kids with him for Christ sake!

Playing games can be one way to connect with each other but if you don't enjoy it, then the expectation should be that you occasionally do it together but not every night.

I like games but DH is an only child and MIL is single and a bit wet so they never played games, it was just listening to classical music and Antiques Roadshow. They're not really the competitive types, no sports.
I was raised doing competitive sports, dancing etc.
Every couple of months we will play a game. It takes quite a lot of persuasion because he doesn't enjoy it but he will.

If I want to play games in the evening it'll be in the same room with a film on. It's rare though as we find stuff we both like. We have two small DC and your time together becomes even more precious with a couple of babies. Leave him. Quickly.

He’s done a total number on you.
You can’t go out if his kids are home?? He’s taking the piss.
Please don’t have a baby with him, you’ll be trapped.

If you have a baby with him you will have four children - his stepchildren, your child and your loser husband.

he is gaslighting you into thinking you are being unreasonable because you want some quality time with him, every example you give is him twisting your words and using them against you.

if you were not in the picture he would not jave hobbies four nights a week. Leave him to his gaming as that is all he wants to do. 32 and he acts like that, embarrassing. Obviously his mum parrots what he says, she raised him to be like this.

Op, if you are confused, reverse your roles and have a think about if you would treat him like he treats you.
let’s say you have 2dc. You have 2 hobbies, one is yoga in a class, and the other is crochet at home (he doesn’t like crochet). Would you expect him to stay in looking after your children whilst you went out to yoga 4 times per week? If he objected, would you tell him that’s not how families work? And then on your anniversary would you expect him to do crochet with you to enjoy spending time together and if he said no would you tell him that makes you sad and disconnected. Oh, and let’s say he has a tic. Would you mimic his tic and laugh at him?
I’m willing to bet he’s never in his life done something he doesn’t want to do to make you happy. And yet the two of you seem to think you should do that in reverse for him daily. Why? What has happened to make you tolerate this?

He imitated your stutter! Get him binned.
He has guilted you into looking after his kids while he is out hobbying 4 days a week. Get a hobby, go out and do that hobby (if you want to).
Get your ducks, line them up, get out of the marriage with the man-child. Definitely don’t have a child with him. Honestly, you would have a better life using a sperm donor and getting a cat.
As that coach, Stuart Irons says, Know your worth and never fucking forget it.

Well start thinking to not have kids with this person at least before figuring the rest out quickly as you don't want to end up pregnant with his child AND trying to figure out what you want which I really hope is leaving for your sake.

Why is he not with his children’s mother? That may help you decide the outcome of your relationship. And what did he do with the kids before you came on the scene?

please don’t have children with him

I'd take the Spa day then tell him to fuck off.

More fool you if yo out keep ttc. He's got you for a mug. What is attractive about him now. Time to check out of there. How many kids do you want?