AIBU to refuse travel sport training during our custody time?

[MonkeyMaze101]

Posting here for traffic. It will be long but don't want to dripfeed / leave out anything that might be relevant.

For background context: DH & I work FT. He has one teenager from a previous relationship and we have 2 preschool aged children together. Stepson is 50/50 between here and his mothers home.

Now the AIBU: Last year SS mum signed him up to a travel sport without discussing with us. Essentially he would have 2 training sessions a week (one on her day, one on ours) and a game / tournament most weeks. These games are minimum 2 hours drive away from our home. Whilst obviously we are happy that he is playing a sport, we couldn't physically get him to the training during our access because of our work schedules and needing to collect other kids from childcare and having to feed everyone etc. For a few weeks his mum collected him from our house and dropped him back but she was always making nasty remarks about how we were lazy and unsupportive. We took him to pretty much every game / tournament which often meant lugging the young kids along or my DH missing out on a full day with them if it was too far. After a few weeks his mum just stopped collecting him during our days. He also missed probably 50% of the training on her days.

There have been half-term and summer camps that stepson has been signed up for and that we have either paid fully for or contributed toward. Out of a total of 9 days, he attended 2 days of the camps (on our time).

This year his mum has signed him up again and the revised training means it is 75% during our access. We live a 30 minute drive from the training grounds. We physically cannot get him to one day of the training (50%) again because we won't be finished work, collected from school and daycare and home to feed everyone before the session starts. My DH told his ex that we cannot take him this day and to facilitate it (because she's being quite nasty again saying we aren't supporting and we are full of obstacles) we could swap days so that the access arrangements all change by 1 day. That would mean that she took him every week on Wednesday (the day we can't do) and we would take him each week Friday. She has denied this and said its unreasonable because she wants Friday evenings with stepson too. That's fair and makes sense but the training sessions go on until 9pm so there's not really much Friday left unless of course she wasn't taking him?

We suggested that we just have that arrangement during the sport season, meaning it's only half the year. That was a no go. We suggested we trial it for a few weeks and see how it works, that was a no go. She has suggested that she will collect stepson and bring him back on the Wednesday. Are we being unreasonable to say that no, that doesn't suit us? Midweek one or both of us are often working late at night and we don't want to have to go to the meeting point at 9.30pm to pick up Stepson.

YABU: Just suck it up and struggle so he can do the sport, even though it's less than ideal for the rest of the family.

YANBU: You have offered solutions and the other parent needs to compromise too.

Well they wouldn't have signed him up for it!

It's pretty common not to ferry teenagers around for sports. A lot of parents won't sign up for 2-3 nights and the weekend. On MN it sounds like a 150% normal thing to do.

It’s part of being a parent. I don’t think many of us enjoy getting up at 8an on a Saturday or Sunday morning to drive for hours and stand on the sidelines in all weather smiling like we’re enjoying the match.
Fair play to his DM trying to bring him
back and forth on your week.
If he is not attending training, he won’t make the match, it’s tough for him. As the other players expect everyone to at training.
His father needs to make time.

Is it the Wednesday that you want swapping? Or the friday? 🙈
Sorry I have actually RTFT and I still feel a bit confused by it all 😕

You said that:
She doesn't drive so it was her brother or husband who actually does the travelling on her days.
Could you maybe get them fellas on board and do a half way thing? Say... get them to collect the wee lad from school (and make sure he already has his pre-practice snack box of food with him from yours) and they drop him off at sports practice? 🚗

Then you collect him afterwards - at pick up, with more snacks/ hot flask of soup/hot choc and butties at 930pm or whatever time? 💪

Or as another PP said do a car pool, with other parents? Surely there is a sporty whatsapp chat you can join?
And if you don't already know the other parents? Then maybe start your own sporty parent whatsapp group? 🤔

Not going to lie, this is a tricky one.
Part of me wants to say accommodate and try to get the others involved.
Another part of me wants to say tell her it's not possible as the court order says don't do sports clubs on others time and others.dime etc. 😕

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I hope you get it sorted out.
@MonkeyMaze101

I'd investigate whether DSS can get himself straight to training from school without coming home. Alternatively can if DH collect him from the bus and go straight to training without coming home and work in the car on his laptop or go back to work and they eat out for dinner. Or DH takes a picnic tea for them to have in the car.

Many families can't afford a car to ferry children around in.
Many parents work shifts including weekends leaving the other parent to have days alone with children not able to devout themselves to one child's sports.

Lots of children and teenagers don't do sports or hobbies on this high need level of commitment.

You are not being unreasonable. You already facilitate your SS's sport for the other days and weekend as the sport is important to him. It's a shame that his Mum won't swap the Wednesday to the Friday to make it work for her own son. If he can't go on Wednesdays due to her not swapping, then that's on her. His Dad has to work, end of. Dad can't jeopardise his job for this. All the best.

I know. I live in a working class area and someone is always willing to pick up a child for a match day, the training is usually local so parents would be expected to bring younger children.
DH always has extra children on board.
There is a 100 reasons why it isn’t a suitable option for many families but there is 1000 reasons why it’s important to make the best effort. It has amazing benefits for a teenager boy that could have much worse interests.

Sure but life isn't always as easy as MN makes it.

Could be worse, DS team is in the lowest division, the majority of the team have extra needs so it’s not for the love of the game or a chance at RL success, it’s the social aspect.

I get it, it’s a big commitment.

What is a “travel sport”?

Yeah, that's weird isn't it. Like there's a class of sports that come under the heading Travel Sports.

His mother should have discussed this with his dad before arranging it.

It’s not unreasonable to ask her to switch days to facilitate this. His father needs to just tell her “He can go if we swap days. Otherwise this will not be possible to get him there on Wednesdays.”

That’s all, no futher discussion.

Why can’t he stay in school till 6 on Wednesday, your DH collects him from school and drives straight to training. Both can have snack in the car. Problem solved. Your DH doesn’t need to flex any hours then.

Bus tennis. Train golf. Pedalo football. Car hockey. Aeroplane rugby.

Is there any way of moving to a more sustainable 50/50 arrangement like week about, so you are only busting your guts every second week? Alternatively, if the mum is happy to have him on the Wednesday night but doesn’t want to swap the Friday night, can she just have him both nights during this time and your DH contribute extra financially during the sports season?
Would it be easier for you or your DH to just collect him from school and drive to training and login and continue working? If you can login from home and work, you can login in the car outside an oval and keep going. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to work at a sports field!
Alternatively, I’d just collect him after training if she is happy to do the running around.

I take it you haven't RTFT?

Because DH has to work EXTRA hours on Wednesday to make up for the other days he is flexing his hours for SS sports. Also a lot of the time he can't work remotely depending on the project so we can't guarantee he won't be needed at the office.

The only reason his employer has allowed him to flex some of the days is because he has a court order with access times. For example on Tuesday he can't leave early as we don't have SS.

I think this is a situation where 50:50 no longer works for the child. He is getting older he wants to do his hobbies and you need an arrangement to support that. Why can’t he just go to his mums that nights- you don’t need to “swap a day”, just let him stay at his mums that night, she doesn’t have to give up he Friday in exchange.

hes out at a sport all evening, its not like it’s contact time, and it can’t be much fun for him if he doesn’t get to play the sport and his dad isn’t there because he’s out at work

So hang on, his mum is signing him up for things, that she cannot physically get him to and is expecting a bunch of other people to do her bidding? She’s beyond unreasonable here. I don’t even know why you’re trying to make this work.

In your dh’s shoes, I would talk to his ds and explain the situation. He’s old enough to hear how things are. Your dh needs to point out to his ds that his mum doesn’t drive, so when she signs him up to stuff, she’s reliant on other people, including the two of you. And to point out she doesn’t work full time, that you both do, so that everyone has the nicest life possible. And because of this, you’re both juggling your jobs and working late to facilitate his other sport. And your dh needs to explain Wednesdays simply isn’t possible, because your dh won’t be able to reliably work his hours even if his mum facilitates the Wednesday evenings by getting her dh to take him to his sport, she’s still expecting pick up at 9.30, which isn’t always possible. So that sorry, it’s a no to committing to this. Your dh can also if he wants say that he’s offered a solution that his mum doesn’t want.

And as an aside, unless your dss is excelling at school, at this age, he shouldn’t be doing a hobby almost every day. He needs to have down time. And study time. I’m presuming you’re in ROI, so not on the GCSE system. However, he still has exams to get through.

Does you SSon actually want to do this extra sport?
If he's missing that amount of training, I doubt he'd get picked to play much anyway.
I'd be flat out refusing to be drawn in. His mum set this up, can't drive and is reliant on her family, so let her sort out his transport to the second sport.

Rather than do the whole bus thing to get home by 530, then go out again at 6, could your husband collect him from school at 6pm (as you say this is possible)? He could have quick dinner in car/ take food to eat at school and go straight to the sport. Then your husband won’t need to go back to work again. There seems little benefit getting to your house for just 30 minutes.

DSS is a teenager.
Could he learn to safely traverse from his school to the practise session?
Public transport, Taxi?
Why is he going home?
He could pack an extra sandwich On Wednesdays.

Can you arrange for another parent to take him from school on Wednesday? You then reciprocate.
Soon it will be sensible that DSS chooses his favourite sport.

I feel exhausted just reading about it! No one in your house has any downtime. Your step-son is just non-stop go-go-go, and the whole family is being dragged along with it. Everyone desperately needs a chance to breathe. Your daily lives sound so chaotic and exhausting. People need balance. Children should not be overscheduled like this. I am 100% with you, OP. Be kind to yourself.

My DD is very active in a sport, she trains three times a week and often has two matches at weekends. The club is very encouraging towards carpooling and sharing transport. Many parents and even the coaches need support with rides and everyone tries to help. Many kids take buses or ride bikes too. Are these ideas really not options?

I think it's ridiculous.
This is on SS and his mother to resolve.
Either he stops one sport, or she swaps days.
In a 2 adult working family of multiple children, even non blended ones, there are compromises to be made.
This isn't an disinterested Dad/StepMum, this is an unreasonable expectation on them.