AIBU to refuse travel sport training during our custody time?

[MonkeyMaze101]

Posting here for traffic. It will be long but don't want to dripfeed / leave out anything that might be relevant.

For background context: DH & I work FT. He has one teenager from a previous relationship and we have 2 preschool aged children together. Stepson is 50/50 between here and his mothers home.

Now the AIBU: Last year SS mum signed him up to a travel sport without discussing with us. Essentially he would have 2 training sessions a week (one on her day, one on ours) and a game / tournament most weeks. These games are minimum 2 hours drive away from our home. Whilst obviously we are happy that he is playing a sport, we couldn't physically get him to the training during our access because of our work schedules and needing to collect other kids from childcare and having to feed everyone etc. For a few weeks his mum collected him from our house and dropped him back but she was always making nasty remarks about how we were lazy and unsupportive. We took him to pretty much every game / tournament which often meant lugging the young kids along or my DH missing out on a full day with them if it was too far. After a few weeks his mum just stopped collecting him during our days. He also missed probably 50% of the training on her days.

There have been half-term and summer camps that stepson has been signed up for and that we have either paid fully for or contributed toward. Out of a total of 9 days, he attended 2 days of the camps (on our time).

This year his mum has signed him up again and the revised training means it is 75% during our access. We live a 30 minute drive from the training grounds. We physically cannot get him to one day of the training (50%) again because we won't be finished work, collected from school and daycare and home to feed everyone before the session starts. My DH told his ex that we cannot take him this day and to facilitate it (because she's being quite nasty again saying we aren't supporting and we are full of obstacles) we could swap days so that the access arrangements all change by 1 day. That would mean that she took him every week on Wednesday (the day we can't do) and we would take him each week Friday. She has denied this and said its unreasonable because she wants Friday evenings with stepson too. That's fair and makes sense but the training sessions go on until 9pm so there's not really much Friday left unless of course she wasn't taking him?

We suggested that we just have that arrangement during the sport season, meaning it's only half the year. That was a no go. We suggested we trial it for a few weeks and see how it works, that was a no go. She has suggested that she will collect stepson and bring him back on the Wednesday. Are we being unreasonable to say that no, that doesn't suit us? Midweek one or both of us are often working late at night and we don't want to have to go to the meeting point at 9.30pm to pick up Stepson.

YABU: Just suck it up and struggle so he can do the sport, even though it's less than ideal for the rest of the family.

YANBU: You have offered solutions and the other parent needs to compromise too.

YANBU

I'll be honest, I have no solutions for you, but just wanted to show support due to lots of horrible comments you're getting.

SS's mum was out of order signing him up for something without discussing it with your DH (and them him with you) first. For a 50/50 custody arrangement, this needed to be discussed by both parties. Furthermore, arranging something in your time was out of order, and I've seen since against the court order. With SS's mum not taking him to training so much, it almost sounds like she signed him up to this sport out of spite to make your lives harder. To punish her ex for daring to have more children with a new woman most likely. Hateful woman.

I'd be pissed off with this, it's so unfair for your younger children too.

Right, that makes more sense. Assuming that the school bus system can’t cope with him having two homes then I think you’re already bending over backwards to accommodate one sport and I don’t think it’s reasonable to do another. At 15 I’d tell DSS direct. Dad already shifts over an hour a day of work to late at night / nights you aren’t here and he simply cannot do any more. Sorry, but this activity just isn’t possible at the moment.

Jesus. So the Wednesday session is both too early if you were to do it and too late if she helps out? Sounds like you are just being awkward. I don't see why you and DH can't handle it between you.

But why would this be more reasonable than his mother and father just swapping one day a week?

Because the mother won’t do it and you need to let go of things which are outside of your control. If DS cycling to yours is an option he should already be doing it on all the days rather than his father faffing around with strange hours. Plus, it’s a good way to making him responsible - does he want the new sport enough to be bothered cycling?

I think DH doesn't want to agree to her dropping / collecting on the Wednesday because that's what was meant to happen last year and after I think 3 sessions (2 or 3) she just stopped. I should also be clear taht she doesn't drive so it was her brother or husband who actually does the travelling on her days.

I guess we could trial your suggestion though.

Have you considered reading the thread 😂

Extra curricular sport with older kids is a challenge even in the best scenario. We have rugby, football and cricket so spend a minimum of 6 hours a week at trainings, matches or away games and it can be more than that if away.
I often take my younger DC with us, they have warm coat & occupy themselves on the sidelines with toys or in the car if it’s absolutely freezing midwinter or late night. They get bored, sometimes miss a hot dinner or a bath, or have to do their homework from a camping chair. But it is what it is.
It is a compromise and a sacrifice without being a blended family.
Let your DH figure this out.

Cycling hours at night in rural Ireland?
For safety, that just wouldn't happen.

Yes, she won't do the swap, that's out of our control. But we could easily just say "No, revert to court order, you can't arrange things during DHs access" but we're trying to find a solution for SSs sake. Personally I don't think the entire sacrifice should be on my DH.

We have already figured it out. If she won't swap days or at least trial it, then DH won't be needing iver backwards. He's exhausted enough from flexing the other days for SS other sport. I just moreso wanted real opinions on whether or not we were unreasonable.

If cycling is impossible why that reply to a pp?

DSS mum won’t swap days and you can’t manage the sport if she doesn’t. The only solution is to tell him the truth - your DH can’t take him because he’s already shifted his work patterns to accommodate the first sport.

However, at this stage I think you just want to bitch about the mother so I’m out.

This is crazy. I’m a massive fan of sport for teens but your SS’s schedule is not sustainable - not just for you and your DH but for your SS himself. When does he get a chance to relax? To socialise? To study for his upcoming exams? That’s why he’s skipping sessions because it’s too much.

I suggest you draw a line and say he can do this sport when he’s old enough to drive himself. And you will support him at that point by putting him on the insurance for your car. If his mum wants to pay for him to do an activity on her time that’s between the two of them. But this whole set-up of prioritising SS’s sport over everything else in your lives is madness.

What are you going to do when your own children want to do sports? I'm sure you'll make it work for them. This is just want being a sports parent is like.

Rather than logging back on in the evening could you both take it in turns to log on earlier insteadd, drop hours at work, lift share, go straight from school. Tbh it sounds like you just don't want to do it, and you are making excuses.

A teen playing sport is a great thing, it means they don't have time to get in any trouble!

I don't know what reply you're referring to? I haven't mentioned anything about cycling?

It's not, more considering options given she is being unreasonable. For cycling I was thinking to and from bus point to your place on way to and from school so your DH doesn't need to do those - not a night (unless around 6pm is night where you are!), not for the 9.30 pm timing.

Bet you would do anything to get your bio kids there 🤷‍♀️

Ah sorry I thought you meant cycle to training 😅 my misunderstanding
It still wouldn't be the safest of roads and would certainly be dark in the mornings in winter going to school. I've just Google mapped it and it says 1hr 13m cycle to the bus stop which i think would physically be too much (twice a day).

Oh yes anything at all. I'd 100% give up my job. Sure aren't i the evil stepmother of mumsnet 🙄😂

I read your op, some replies but then couldn't be bothered to read your next 36 posts. My ex did this to our child, despite there being no other children, but always a convenient excuse. My DC couldn't attend any activity each week, because if I arranged it, eg local cubs, scouts,special actvity, my ex would find any excuse not to take them. So thank god for my DC it wasn't sport or theatre where this would really matter. It became so obvious that the local leader offered to give a statement to my legal team. Basically that ex had only showed up volunteering on my contact evenings. My DC are now young adults, trust me they remember who supported them in their activities and who didnt. Your DH needs to step up for his 1st family.

Oh yes that's definitely too far to cycle there and back daily. Around here a 20 minute drive isn't altogether that much longer on a bike.
I think you can ignore the people saying you'd make it work if it was your biological child - his biological mum is the one being difficult here and you can only do what you can do.

Are you for real? Perhaps if you could have "been bothered" to read OP's posts, you'd see that her & her DH are doing everything they can to enable this child's two sports. They are not making excuses, but for goodness sake, they cannot give up their jobs to facilitate them anymore than they are already doing.

The step sons mum isn't even taking him to training half the time.

Get real and read the post before you make such cutting comments to the OP.

Most teenagers wouldn't be allowed to do 2 time consuming hobbies/sports with high parental support needed.

Having more than 1 child and FT jobs it's simply not a possibility for most parents to sort.

I was going to ask what a “travel sport” is as well…

most sports I have ever known involve some sort of travel, especially as you get good, make national finals etc.

we are the other way round. Our kids do a lot of sport and we facilitate that. Stepdc have expressed interest in joining but their mum absolutely will not do anything on her time. So that means they can’t, as it’s pointless to a) pay for multiple sessions/games when they can only attend half, and b) they won’t progress with ad hoc training and won’t make the team anyway.

long term weirdly it’s us they resent for not being given the same opportunities as their stepsiblings.

What would you do if you had him 100%? Would you not let him do that sport?
doenst he have friends that you can lift share with?

So she's saying Fridays are special (so she prefers to take him Fridays rather than Wednesdays). You're saying Wednesdays and Fridays should be seen as interchangeable since he's doing the spots activity most of the evening anyway. Is that right?

I suggest finding out why she thinks Fridays are special time with DS even though he's doing the sport. Maybe it's because she doesn't want all the days to shift by one (your suggestion) ? Maybe it's because Fridays feel more relaxed afterwards bc it's not a work/school night? Maybe because SS doesn't necessarily go every Friday? Once you really understand why Fridays matter to her, you might be able to suggest a compromise she's happy with.

But to be honest, I don't understand a few things

1. why do you find Friday nights easier than Wednesday nights. Isn't there the same level of stress after school/work?
2. why don't you accept her suggestion that she helps out by bringing him most of the way home on Wednesdays at 9.30pm. Doesn't that save your family some driving during the week? 9.30pm is not particularly late to pick up a teen.
3. why do you and DH take small children to SS' weekend sports match. Sounds boring for everyone. DH can make the time up to the younger kids after a day at SS' sport.
4. can't your DH work from a laptop in the car at SS' sports training?
5. can't everyone eat more informally on Wed? You could take care of you and younger kids. DH and SS could prep insulated pots to keep a very basic meal warm, and SS could have his pot after training with a substantial snack in the car before training. Bottom line -- you don't have to feed everyone before SS leaves for training on a Wed.

If SS is a particularly sporty teen (ie he loves it and is good at it), it would be pretty normal for both parents to go to fairly extraordinary lengths to support it for several years @ 2-3 nights per week plus a weekend match. It's a shame you didn't see it coming before your younger children were born but this is the same for most of us parenting sporty kids.