AIBU to stop my 16-year-old visiting a boy she met on holiday?

[tuckmonster]

My daughter 16 met a boy 16 form a different town while on holiday - he lives two hours away. Hes been on the train to visit her twice and now he wants her to go to his town. I dont want her to go as Ive never met the boy and I dont know the town. She really likes him and wanted to see him last week so offered to take her there and do stuff locally ( walk the dog, have lunch) and then pick her up so she could see him but she said no hes working during the week we were available to do that. So I paid for his ticket to come and visit her again. Now she says hes not working this week after all and she went and arranged for her brother 21 to take her to this boys place without discussing it with me. I feel she has been sneaky and I said she cant go now and shes run off in tears. I feel a bit mean but I want her to know that I will help if she discusses things with me but that to arrange something with her brother and not to mention it to me is a bit undrehand somehow. Is there anyone with teenage girls who could give me any advice? How much freedom should you give?

Now she says hes not working this week after all and she went and arranged for her brother 21 to take her to this boys place without discussing it with me.

What's the plan? Is her brother just going to drop her off and leave her, or will he stay and meet the boy and spend some time with him to see what he's like? If you can trust ds to look out for his sister, maybe you could let her go, with conditions. But if he's irresponsible and more likely to collude with her in going behind your back, then no.

Would things be easier if you met him? I can see how this would feel less risky if you’d met him and his parent(s) on hol and you’d liked them. Could she not invite him to your town again so you can spend some time with him and get the measure of him?

Absolutely wouldn't without meeting the boy amd possibly even messaging the parents. We had similar although dd was 15 but we drovr her and I met the parents (cup of tea sort of meeting). I wouodn't have given that responsibility to her older siblings.

At the very minimum I would want to meet him.

How have you not met him if he's been to your house? Were you at work?
Has anyone in your family met him?

Anyway. I wouldn't be happy about this, either. But they'll carry on meeting, regardless.

Have you discussed contraception and safe sex with her?

Who was your Dd on holiday with?

At 16 I’d have gone anyway. I’d find a way to make this happen with some sort of compromise before she realises at 16 you can’t really stop her, and then your relationship with her is as good as ruined

I just spoke to her about the practicalities and cost of going to this other town to see this boy it cost £35 on the train and to see him each week while doing her a levels and he is doing an apprenticeship. She'd have to get a job and she said she will get a job and she doesnt care what I think and she is going to see him. I think they already slept together - we've had the chat about condoms etc and she said she understands that I am worried but I will just have to be worried. She met him when she went youth hostelling with her best friend. He came to our town but not to our house. Im not sure what to do she has become really secretive and very into her friends and not into me.

Her brother was just going to drop her off.

She sounds determined. I would invite him around to your house or out to lunch (could you both travel 1 hour and meet somewhere halfway?) so you can see him for yourself.

She's 16. Of course she is more into her friends than you.
You can't really expect to control the choices and freedom of a 16, surely?! It's 2026, not 1926!

She WILL find a way, whether you want to or not. The best thing you can do is try to keep communication as open as possible, to try and keep her as safe as possible.

But banning her isn't realistic I'm afraid

At 16 it’s pretty normal to be more open with your friends than your mum. I’d tread carefully, if you start to forbid it you’ll likely just push her away. It’s natural to want to protect her but you’ve already given her the freedom to go away without you so you must of trusted her judgement enough to let her go.

Can you try and explain you’re not comfortable with her going until you’ve met him. It doesn’t have to be anything formal, go out for pizza, bowling grab a takeaway just a chance for you to get to know him to.

I’d prioritise trying to meet the lad even if only briefly for a cup of tea

Are you sure he is 16?

Exactly. How you you let a daughter go and meet someone you've never met.

As for the comment it's 2026 not 1926 there are no words.

You allowed her to go youth hostelling with a friend but not meet a boyfriend in daylight? Pick your battles - this isn't one of them you want to make a stand on. Take her to see him, meet him if you have to.

At 16 I also met a boy (18) on holiday, we lived hundreds of miles apart and had a long distance thing but we did visit each other and honestly, it was great fun. I had a blast, he was lovely. My parents let me travel hundreds of miles to visit him and stay with him. He lived with his parents. It was never going to be a marriage but we were teenagers who were smitten.

I'd probably be stricter with my own daughter but I think you might be going a bit far. I'm also confused as to how you haven't met him if he's come to visit her twice.

I don’t know what I would do. Apart from tell her that I wasn’t looking after or supporting a baby.

I think you do need to prioritise meeting him. He might be delightful.

You let her go youth hosteling with a friend but now seem surprised she’s not listening to you objecting to her having a train ride away to meet someone you paid to come to your town?

That’s massively trying to lock the stable long after the horse has bolted.

I think you need to work with her more collaboratively rather than telling her what she can and cannot do. She's just on the cusp of where you lose any control other than the fact that she loves you and doesn't want to disappoint you. I would start by trying to meet him.

Like 'BotterMon' I'm surprised that you let her go youth hostelling, but won't let her meet her boyfriend. What makes you think she was safe doing that, but that her judgement can't be trusted with regard to a boyfriend?

Sorry OP, this doesn't make sense to me. Time to let go, if you want to keep her close. You've told her your concerns, but I think now you need to tell her that you've had a think about it, and you realise you are wrong to have doubted her, as she went away with her friend and came back safely, so obviously she's ready for a bit of independence, and knows how to take care of herself, so she can meet her boyfriend with your blessing. That way, she's far more likely to get in touch if anything goes wrong.

I think if you let her go to youth hostels alone then all bets are off

You need to help her sort some contraception.

With my dd I met the boyfriend and then got his mums number so messaged her when she wanted to go to his house. I also marched her down to the sexual health clinic and sorted out contraception!

Exactly, some of these replies are very out of touch

Youth hosteling at 16 with friends… damn I thought my parents letting me do Malaga at 17 was crazy. If she’s capable of youth hostel hopping then she’s probably capable of sneaking a way to meet her boyfriend, so I think this is a case of pick your battles. Definitely try and get to meet him and ideally a sneaky verification of his age to check he’s actually 16.