AIBU to stop my 16-year-old visiting a boy she met on holiday?

[tuckmonster]

My daughter 16 met a boy 16 form a different town while on holiday - he lives two hours away. Hes been on the train to visit her twice and now he wants her to go to his town. I dont want her to go as Ive never met the boy and I dont know the town. She really likes him and wanted to see him last week so offered to take her there and do stuff locally ( walk the dog, have lunch) and then pick her up so she could see him but she said no hes working during the week we were available to do that. So I paid for his ticket to come and visit her again. Now she says hes not working this week after all and she went and arranged for her brother 21 to take her to this boys place without discussing it with me. I feel she has been sneaky and I said she cant go now and shes run off in tears. I feel a bit mean but I want her to know that I will help if she discusses things with me but that to arrange something with her brother and not to mention it to me is a bit undrehand somehow. Is there anyone with teenage girls who could give me any advice? How much freedom should you give?

How would you stop her ? Lock her in the house?

Also agree it will be difficult to stop her. My daughter is now in her 20s and has told me all
kinds of stuff she got up to in her teens ( eg going clubbing when I thought she was at sleepovers). Your daughter has a good level of independence else she would not have managed the youth hostelling. You think they have already slept together so they are past that.
You also say he has an apprenticeship- so that is a positive sign. They met during the YH holiday - which sounds quite wholesome really. Is your daughter a good judge of character?
However - with privilege comes responsibility- and so they cannot expect you to bank roll or enable this relationship and she will need to actually get herself a job to fund her train fares, alongside her study. Or he travels to her as he will be paid as an apprentice - and next time he travels, say you would like to meet him to just say ‘hello’. First impressions count - and you will get some sense of him from that which will hopefully set your mind at rest. You might even like him….

so you’d let your 16yo go off and do anything because you think you can’t stop her?

@tuckmonster my DSis was pregnant at 16 and then again at 17. It was a horrible burden on our whole family. So no, I will not be letting my 16 yo go off gallivanting in youth hostels or meeting holiday romance bfs at 16.

Your DD's priority should be her schooling so allowing her to spend time with bf and a job and travel time is not good. That is a lot of time when all added up.

I would ban more meetings until the young lad came to your house to meet you.

If they feel seriously about each other then having a discussion about both of their commitments - apprenticeship and A levels - and how much time they realistically can spend together is appropriate. For generations couples have had to restrict their meet up time to suit their circumstances. Think war times. Think living far away. Yes, meeting his parents is not too much to expect.

Your DD needs a water tight understanding of contraceptives and be employing more than condoms. She needs to consider and prioritise her long game plan.

Id say YABU and very controlling OP, she’s 16,
not 12. Legal for them to sleep together, and travelling a couple of hours away is completely normal. How do you expect her to transition into adulthood in a couple of years when you have such tight reigns. Unfortunately this is probably why she is secretive with you

Decades ago when I was 16 the same sort of situation happened to me . His parents invited me to stay for a few days and my parents agreed .
I wanted to go alone in the train 2.5 / 3 hr journey ) but my mum insisted she came along .
I made my mum get back on the next train back and she never even left the station to my knowledge .

Years later I still feel mean about that . Plus I dumped him 6 months later !

Try not to put too many obstacles her way or stop her from seeing him as you don't want to push them together and hopefully it will fizzle out .

Invite him over and let him stay the night on the sofa

Not willingly , but if you’re at work and they are at home off school , how do you stop them? She’s already let her go youth hostelling with her friend, I personally wouldn’t have let her do that.

Im not sure what to do she has become really secretive and very into her friends and not into me.

because you keep saying no to everything!
Holiday romances and boyfriends are normal. Yes you should meet him, but it sounds like she is being sensible

You are going to have to open up a bit; she will do it behind your back anyway. Tell her that you hope he is a nice guy and treat her with respect and to use contraception and look after herself. Also that you would love to meet him and the importance of focusing on her A levels,

Dont finance the visits though, she will have to get a job. Be there for her if things go wrong.

Good Luck. Being a parent is the most stressful job in my opinion. Often worrying about one thing or another.

She can’t rely on condoms only; she needs to start contraception asap. Tell her you don’t want her to ruin her future

I would have been worried about the youth hosteling too. I hope mine doesn’t come with these ideas 😬😅

You really can’t spot the bad uns by meeting anyway. Baddies only look like baddies in movies. The only guy I’ve known that I’d describe as evil seemed absolutely lovely and decent to everyone who had known him for years, until his secret life was exposed.

It’ll probably fizzle out soon enough if you let them meet anyway. That’s a huge distance for anyone. Let alone impulsive, hormone driven 16 year olds.

Oh I’m not sure I agree with this fully. You can’t spot ALL the baddies but you can defintely spot some of them. The ones who keep their hood up and won’t speak to you. Those with the homemade tattoos that they got in prison / young offenders. The ones with the balaclavas and the stolen mopeds. You can’t spot defintely spot those. The problem is that spotting them doesn’t necessarily mean you can intervene any more successfully.

You can't reasonably stop a 16 year old going to meet someone of her own age who she likes. On what grounds could yostop her? You can only do what OP has done, talk about any possible risks.

Can’t believe some of these replies! She is only 16. There is no way I would permit this visit. Good opportunity to teach your daughter just because the ‘mans’ plans change, you don’t have to rearrange you and your families plans.
I would be furious with your son too for acting as the driver.

Bloody hell she is 16. A lot of pearl clutching control freaks on this thread.

No wonder people can't adult when they get to adulthood.

I think you have been very reasonable. Perhaps she didnt want to mess you about so asked her brother instead. Id let her go and just say next time etc..

It's hard letting them go.

Its at this age you have to ask yourself, have you brought her up to be street smart? Is she savvy? Do you trust her? Is she responsible? Does she respect boundaries and kerfews? Does she know how to keep herself safe?

At 16 she is legally allowed to have sex, she's also legally allowed to leave home. Although as a parent its your responsibility to keep her safe until she's 18. (NSPCC website).

She will become secretive if you start to (in her eyes), be unreasonable. She will become sneaky and go against you. Also remember, she's a teenager who's going to rebel, it's a common thing that teenage girls and their mums have a push pull battle at this stage.

She's becoming more independent, and she needs to see that you trust her and her decisions.

Use this time to talk to her about how much you love her and that you respect she's becoming a young adult, you have to let go of the control and give your daughter some control.

Let her go, but tell her to message you when she's there, with a selfie of herself and this new boyfriend. Tell her to be back at a certain time. And trust her.

Be prepared to drop everything and go pick her up if things don't work out though!

This is the stage that's the hardest, and for you as a parent you need to help her to navigate growing independence, and foster mutual trust and respect.

The minute you dig your heels in, she will also dig her heels in and conflict will be inevitable.

Good luck op, I'm rooting for you and your daughter, and trust me when I say I speak from experience.

Bit odd you’d let her go youth hostelling but not to see him two hours away, I think you need to pick your battles, this is not one to die on.

Wow. How controlling.

We had the exact same thing with our youngest DD at the same age.

We invited the boy to come and meet us and stay with us (in spare room) for a few days. That way they went off and did their own thing in the day, but were here in the evenings to sleep. We were able to get to know him a little. His Dad drove to pick him up and we met his Dad and invited him in for coffee.

Next time they met, we drove her to his house, met his Mum also, and left her there for a few days and went to pick her up again later.

Between us parents, we aided the relationship, but safely, picking up, dropping off and eventually meeting them off trains etc....

That way they could see each other, with our blessings.

The relationship fizzled out after 8 months but I know my DD was always grateful that we never stopped her seeing him and helped them to see each other.

If we hadn't, she had the biggest teen crush on him, and she would have found a way to see him anyway, because that is what teens ( most) do. And we didn't want her lying to us or not knowing where she was, or had been.

Sit her down and try and work this out and support this relationship if you can. Firstly, by meeting this boy.

Then a talk about contraception (not just relying on condoms) is a good idea also.

I was 16 when I met a boy on holiday who lived a couple of hours away, I was with my family though so they met him, his family and everyone got on well.

I would go up to stay for the weekend, either with my parents driving me or getting the train and vice versa.

My mom absolutely would not have let me go without knowing him / his family so I think 1st point of call would be to meet him and go from there.

I also have a 16 year old daughter now and same rules would apply!

How exactly will you stop her??
Lock her in basement /take her to a closed nunnery??