AIBU to stop my 16-year-old visiting a boy she met on holiday?

[tuckmonster]

My daughter 16 met a boy 16 form a different town while on holiday - he lives two hours away. Hes been on the train to visit her twice and now he wants her to go to his town. I dont want her to go as Ive never met the boy and I dont know the town. She really likes him and wanted to see him last week so offered to take her there and do stuff locally ( walk the dog, have lunch) and then pick her up so she could see him but she said no hes working during the week we were available to do that. So I paid for his ticket to come and visit her again. Now she says hes not working this week after all and she went and arranged for her brother 21 to take her to this boys place without discussing it with me. I feel she has been sneaky and I said she cant go now and shes run off in tears. I feel a bit mean but I want her to know that I will help if she discusses things with me but that to arrange something with her brother and not to mention it to me is a bit undrehand somehow. Is there anyone with teenage girls who could give me any advice? How much freedom should you give?

She's 16, not six. The visit isn't for OP to "permit" or not.

This was my first thought; if she is responsible enough to go away with her friend why not meet her boyfriend? Invite him to yours, get to know him and then decide if you are happy for her to go, but an outright ban will lead her to be sneaky at this age, you need to have open conversations.

I font really see whst the difference is between you dropping her in his town or you doing it . The more you try go control her the more secretive she will become.
Also not sure what the big deal is with youth hostelling witj a friend is?

I think its a bit odd that you were ok with her youth hostelling but nit with visiting a boy she met.

I would personally want to know his address at the very least. You risk her going anyway so really important to reiterate to her that she needs to be trustworthy.

This isn’t something I would stop mine from doing. You say he has visited twice, could you not have met him then? O only say this as you mention you haven’t met him and that seems to be a key point for you. I actually think we place too much on having to meet new people in our teens lives. You would never know if he was a decent guy or a complete tool on one meeting. Fair enough some people are obviously idiots but if this is the kind of guy who comes across lovely but might start playing games and messing with her head meeting him would make zero difference at this stage. As long as you k ow he is the age he says he is and there is no cause for concern that way I would let her crack on. It’s far more important that she knows about consent, coercive control and red flags and that she can talk to you about it than you actually meet him at this stage. Like I say so long as he is the age he says he is. If you battle with her she will spend the whole time fighting back and trying to present you with a wonderful picture when it might not be going too well. Give her the space and tools to make good choices and she will come to you if it’s not going right as she won’t be trying to ‘prove’ anything.

Next time he visits her, you have to meet him. If she won’t allow that, then I would clamp down hard.

How have you not met him if he's been to yours twice??

And I don't understand how you were happy for a 16 year old to take an unsupervised youth hostel holiday with a mate, but are so pressed about her meeting up with this boy. You say he's doing an apprenticeship, so not some feckless layabout, clearly.

The more you forbid, the more you will drive it underground, and she will share less with you, and probably find a way to see him anyway.

Meet the lad, maybe even his parents, then decide. And talk to your DD about keeping herself safe/contraception etc.

My son met a girl in a yh in another country when he was a few years older than 16. Bit of a nightmare following each other through 3 different countries for some years due to immigration rules. He's forty now and they are still together, happily married.

She's probably already sorted that herself anyway. She sounds an independent young woman

Go with her meet him

Oh god, on what planet would this be ok.

Nooooo. Mortifying.

Just tell her she’s not going.

Make sure she knows condoms alone are not enough .

While she lives under the OPs roof it is up to her to permit it. There are many boundaries parents are expected to provide. Including, but not exclusive to; taking drugs, home time, travel, buying pets, holding a house party, drinking vodka for breakfast, getting up for school, shagging in the garden… these are all things that would require permission - and that most parents would not permit a 16 year old to do.

she is 16. You cannot tell, only advise. She is almost an adult and you need to loosen the rein. it is perfectly reasonable for a 16 year old to hop on a train for the day to see anyone she chooses. At 16, I don’t think my parents ever met my boyfriends. Normal.

start backing off now.

To be honest you are lucky she even told you, my dd was up to worse at 16 to which I was of course oblivious at the time, she came clean years later. No harm done either, she’s a very responsible young woman

Is she lived in Scotland she would be considered an adult and free to marry without your consent. I would trust her and let her go to visit him. Trust is give and take on both sides. Don't push her away.