My “comeback” was equal levels rude?

[Rebes]

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women. I was talking to my partner’s aunt at a gathering (same background) when the aunt asked me my age. I knew she was trying to figure out if I’m passed it. I thought it was incredibly rude. And frankly I was just very over being judged for being 32 and unmarried. Have focused on career and travelling. So in response I asked what her bmi was. She’s overweight but nothing extreme.

Anyway, I got a phone call from boyfriend’s cousin who had a massive go at me. And I’m now not allowed to step foot in the Aunts house. Which is where everyone gathers. Bf obviously isn’t pleased.

NO ONE in bf’s family (his parents and siblings) thinks what I did was right. My mum said it was totally fair to highlight the Aunt’s rudeness. Sick to death of people judging me.

I normally bite my lip. I know it was nasty. I don’t know why she’s the only one who has a right to be offended and garner all the sympathy.

I’m always getting told I need to settle down my the older generation.

And you took it out on the Aunt that was hosting a family gathering?

I am from a Mediterranean culture that can be highly misogynistic and a bit old fashioned especially in regards to women.

What's your boyfriend's take on it all?

I think you were both rude to each other but she was the host and you made a bad impression . You need to be the bigger person and apologize and take/send her a bouquet or box of chocs, but I'd go for flowers given your reference to her weight.

. You can also explain after you have made the apology that you were upset at being asked you age out of the blue. But it seems the aunt is calling all the shots here as his family events are held in her home, and you are now unwelcome unless you repair the damage . So build that bridge if you want the relationship you have to work out.

I get it. My dad's side of the family is from Eastern Europe.

At one point, there was talk of arranging a marriage for me (in the '70s), I kid you not. Fortunately, Mum went ballistic: "Any more o that and I'm taking the [joint] passport and taking the bairn home and you can bide here!" I was still at high school.

Then I finished uni and was advised to get myself a Scotsman...I was obviously over the hill at the advanced age of 23.

Problem is you are asking on a forum mainly made up of British women who would be mortified if they were overweight and somebody asked them their BMI, to be asked your age is perfectly innocent in our culture. In yours it is insulting and there in lies the difference.

I think it was an awesome come back and good for you, baffling as to why folk think it was ok for Aunt to be rude but not you.

Not disingenuous at all. I genuinely don’t know why people take it so badly.

OP, I think a better answer would have been to give your age, bright and breezy, proud to be 32 – nothing wrong with it. If she chooses to judge that as meaning something, let her. And then reply by asking her age. She would have taken that as rude but she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

This made me laugh! Go girl!

I'm intrigued. What did weird Aunt say when you asked what her BMI was ? Did she explode like a giant fat ball?

You: "I genuinely don’t know why people take it so badly."

Also you: "Older people in my culture can sometimes be seen as invalid, not worth listening to."

Also you: "Not disingenuous at all."

People who are saying "you don't know why she asked" - FFS, sometimes we do correctly "guess" what someone is getting at, even though we can't prove it.

For example, how did the aunt know the OP was being rude, and not just concerned for her health, or admiring her curvaceous figure, or innocently wondering if she can ride all the attractions at a theme park, because she has a spare ticket to Alton Towers she wants to offer her? Because some things are fairly obvious!

But the aunt is getting the benefit of the doubt/family sympathy because it's seen as culturally wrong to embarrass older people, but a younger single woman who has not towed the line is fair game. Aunt could have even said something rude about OP's weight, and she would be expected to suck it up politely.

What you don’t seem to understand is that I don’t buy into those views. People can think them and I’m quite happy to ignore them and share my age if someone asks me. Of course I understand why some people are touchy about age but that doesn’t affect me. It’s mainly misogyny anyway as most mostly happens to women. Men just become silver foxes.

How is it a false impression?

Given you did not consent and you have evidence that it was not an emergency , what happened, happened. So what outcome are you now looking to achieve? Sympathy from Mumsnet or forcing a full investigation and action taken against the midwives, or to just have you complaint heard and an written apology , or do you want to sue the hospital and claim compensation?

I am with you OP.

I assume you knew where the conversation was going and that she was only asking your age because she then was going to express some fake concern about you not being married/having kids or/and criticise you for it.

You have nothing to apologise for.

She should not be asking rude questions and talking about women being 'past it' if she can't take someone putting her back in her place.

I would also ask yourself whether you really want to become part of this family.

I've never worked out why it's offensive to be asked your age unless you think it's terrible to be 'old'. Check your ageism @Rebes

If your good manners depend on other people having good manners, then you don’t actually have good manners.

There are consequences to being rude - you gave her a consequence; now this is your consequence.

There are ways to handle people like her that don’t bring those consequences down on your head. It’s not a matter of who is right or wrong, but about how to navigate social systems.

It remind me of a birthday card I received this year. On the front it says "I know it is rude to ask a person how old they are" and then you open it up and the says "How much do you weigh? I was hilarious!

Her aunt does think it's terrible to be OP's age and unmarried. That's why it's rude.

The aunt is overweight; that's no moral failing either, it's considered beautiful in some cultures, one can easily be overweight and beautiful, and yet nobody is struggling to understand why asking one's BMI is rude.

Yes but unfortunately you have probably ruined your relationship as you are now not welcomed by the family.

You sound like you have no time for people that think differently to you OP but lots of people won't take kindly to you being rude to their relatives or friends.

I mostly agree with you, but would emphasise that it should have been asked in a respectful manner. In doing so, more members of the family would have been more inclined to have a neutral feeling about who was to blame for a minor disagreement. OP how does your boyfriend feel about it now?
Perhaps it is time for you to move on, and mix with families with views find more tolerable.

What I say is "as old as my tongue and a bit older than my teeth.

I’m 36 and it wouldn’t occur to me to take offence at being asking how old I am. Especially as you’ve said yourself that you’re just starting to get to know his family so I’d have thought it’s a perfectly reasonable question and not an excuse to call a woman fat in her own home! Bonkers.

Your comeback made me chuckle.

But she can claim she didn’t mean anything bad by asking you your age but I don’t have what excuse you can give now to make things ok with partner’s family.

I also think they are being a bit too dramatic banning you from any family gathering.

My boyfriend does not share the same backwards thinking towards age. Thank God. He understands why I was pissed off

In certain cultures, women are judged to be in 30s and still single. Maybe you never experienced it and op did many times to assume this time also she would be judged.

You're only human, OP. Your partner's aunt said something rude to you, and you responded in kind.

Frankly, I get tired of giving family members (including partner's) a pass for saying things that are hurtful and offensive, in the name of courtesy, being the bigger person, etc. It wears you down. To have to constantly bite your lip is incredibly unhealthy.

You have the right to be treated with respect. If your partner's family does not behave respectfully, you need to figure out how you're going to cope. They're never going to change, and they will always close ranks.

So, how are you going to protect yourself? Deal with the inevitable hurts and humiliations?

Glad your Mum's on your side. Where is your boyfriend in all this? If you stay with him, whose side is he going to take over the course of your relationship, if it's a choice between his family and you?

Now, it's up to you how "kind" you want to be (I've placed "kind" in quote marks, because so often the kindness expected of women is to the detriment of their own dignity). But please don't beat yourself up for your retort, which a canny observer would have understood for what it was - a valuable lesson for the aunt.

Take care and good luck.