Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Because a 7yo is more than capable of understanding the ‘my siblings are going on holiday but I’m not’ dynamic. It’s not fair on the kid. I have a 6YO DD who would be absolutely devastated. No matter what adult reasons there are for this split, there is a kid at the end of this. And I can imagine her parents thinking the exact same way if OP was to propose otherwise.

So what would happen to this little child if you don't take them with you? (I am not saying you should by any means, but I am wondering what the arrangements would be if he her dad is away and her step mum is working.)

Agreed. And I wonder whether the 7 year old wouldn't prefer the holiday club anyway. OP barely knows her so can't be sure how she actually feels about them. In addition she appears to think she'd be getting time with her sisters, when actually it sounds like the teens want to spend time with each other not her. It's possible she'd actually prefer being in a familiar environment, and with agemates at holiday club.

This is exactly the reason that my parents won't have my step daughter overnight or really at all even though they will do that for my kids. It's not because they don't like her it's just that they feel as though they can't tell her off (like they would with mine) and would be too worried about something happening to her under their care.

I wouldn't take the 7 year old, absolutely not. It sounds as though you're quite happy to take the older two so I'd tell your sister that you won't take the 7 year old (due to her age) but will take the older two. If she refuses then her kids miss out I suppose.

They'd have to arrange childcare such as a daily holiday club at home or whatever

Your sister completely, totally understands what you’re saying and why you’re saying, and she can’t argue with the reasoning either. But she doesn’t like it. She’s got herself into a situation she can’t manage, and she guilt tripping you into not solving it for her at your own expense, rather than she sorting it out at her own expense.

It boils down to her work project versus your family holiday.

(Well actually it boils down to this poor child not having a mother or a father or a step-mother willing to out her first, and having to spend her school holiday with her step aunt visiting her step-siblings’ grandparents. It’s just awful).

Your sister and her husband need to sort this out between themselves. This isn’t your job. They blended their family, they didn’t blend yours and neither did you. I don’t know how they could keep a straight face saying that their jobs are more important than your annual summer holiday/visit to your parents. Outrageous. And why aren’t they thinking about this poor 7yo? With a shitty dad who puts his job first, a shitty mum who would rather go on holiday, and a shitty stepmom who tells her she’s the same as her own children but clearly doesn’t treat her that way?

ETA it’s actually really miserable, thinking about this little girl, spending her holidays with someone else’s grandparents rather than her own. Why can’t she go and stay with her maternal or paternal grandparents, her own family? Why should the poor thing have to spend it with people she doesn’t know, who aren’t related to her, who haven’t asked her to come stay with them? She’s just a childcare problem to all the parents and step-parents in her life. Heartbreaking.

Well, if you want to explain why a 4 year old helping with dressing and nappies is actually a relevant example despite all the obvious differences I'm ready to hear it.

Just don’t mention it. You’d have to make a lot of effort for a 7 year old regardless. Say you can’t take any extra kids. It’s ok to say I don’t want to be responsible for them.

Agree with others who have said the dad is a cheeky fucker. He only has her 50% of the time. How long has the step sibling been in the family? Does she even know your parents?
I don’t think anyone should be treating them all the same, they have different families, by that logic the 2 older ones should also go on holiday with their 7 year old step sister when she’s with her mum…. Which is ridiculous.

Why can’t your sister take them to your parents another time?!

There are three kids. Two of whom want to spend time with their own family without an unrelated seven year old tagging along. They shouldn’t have to miss out on their own family because of a step sibling, and. nor should they be lumbered with providing childcare for her.

That isn’t going to promote cohesion, but will be instead almost certainly cement their view of her as a burden.

I think you will have to say no to taking any of them . Not your responsibility to take your nieces to your parents. Your sister needs to make her own plans not tag along with yours .
And if your sister is working , can she leave the 15 year old home to supervise ? Unless she is working long hours , is this allowed ? I would also tell the child's mother who may prefer to have her daughter with her that week.

Your sister’s partner should not be working away if it’s his turn to have his daughter. He needs to arrange suitable childcare for her or take time off work.

She isn’t the OP’s family and she isn’t the grandparents’ family. Her own aunts would take objection, I’m sure, to being put on an equal footing to OP, ditto for her grandparents.

She has her own mother, father, grandparents, aunts, cousins. They are her family. In addition she has a step-mother and two step-siblings. The former consented to take her on as family, the latter were given no choice and seem to not want it (who knows how they’re treated by their own father’s new family).

My older teen still uses a great deal of my time, but she also contributes to the running of the family, occasionally without being asked. It is nothing like having a 7 yo to look after.

Exactly this. He’s at work during his own contact time and they’re looking for a solution. Biology is the excuse. I wouldn’t do it.

I feel so sorry for this kid. Why can’t her mum just switch weeks? Or her dad say sorry I don’t have childcare. I can’t go away for work. Or if the sister considers herself to be a true step mum she will have to look after her.
Palming her off to a foreign country with people she doesn’t know that well, wtf.

She’s 7, she’ll be aware that she has different family to her step siblings. This isn’t even a half sibling set up but a step one. She presumably has a whole other set of grandparents and/or cousins and her step siblings don’t go with her to see them. The people OP is going to see aren’t related to her in any way, they’re her step siblings parents who she’s met twice, she’s not related to OP or her DC either.

Would your 6 year old want to be away from her parents for a week visiting people she’s met twice in a foreign country in the care of her step sibling’s aunt?

I would start by calmly repeating that I was happy to take the 2 teens to see their Grandparents, but that I wasn't taking the 7 yr old.

If sis continues with the 'I'm not splitting them' line I would point out the damage she is doing to her teens and any potential relationship she is hoping they will form with her new partner's child, and leave her to decide.

She's just going to end up with the 7 yr old to sort out (still) with the addition of two resentful teens who know she has stopped them a) seeing their grandparents b) going abroad for a holiday c) spending time with their cousins. That resentment will last a lot longer than just the week.

4 teens and a 7 year old is a recipe for disaster & tears. The 7 year old is going to be constantly left out. The older 4 will want to be doing their own thing.

how though will you get a random 7 year old through immigration etc? The other 4 are your family but the 7 year old isn’t- would that be an issue? Moving children isn’t that simple.

id say to sister

i will not take 7 year old but I will take the older 2, it’s your choice if the older 2 can’t come so be it.

Yep. My first takeaway from this thread was precisely this.

So in which case he and his partner/ wife should have a backup plan that doesn’t involve her sister!

She’s not a random 7yo though. She’s the eldest sister… she is OPs step daughter, but her sibling’s sister.

I wouldn’t want to be responsible for a 7 year old for a long period, irrespective of whether they were a niece or a stepniece. It would be the age, rather than the biological relationship.

Exactly. Sounds to me as though his wife/partner is the proverbial ‘nanny with a fanny’.