Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

It would be a hard no from me, and not just because of the seven-year-old stepdaughter. I wouldn’t take any of the three children abroad without their parents.

What if something happened to one of them? An accident, illness, hospital visit, anything like that. Their parents wouldn’t even be in the country to deal with medical decisions, and I’d find that far too stressful and far too much responsibility to take on for someone else’s children.

And with the seven-year-old especially, you’re not even related to her, which adds another layer to it. I just think it’s a huge ask and, frankly, a ridiculous request. I personally wouldn’t agree to it.

My question would be whether a 7 year old wants to go on holiday with a family she has met twice. My DS is 8, has been away with his grandparents this summer and got homesick after a few days.

I hope you've got someone to pass you the smelling salts! That's quite an over-reaction. You're being very dramatic.

I've read the OP's posts, but not all the replies.

I have two different ways of making this decision, which lead to different answers. Your choice whether you use either or neither!

1. A seven year old is too much responsibility 24/7. She either comes and joins a kids' club, or she doesn't come. The child themself can be involved in this decision. Looking after a 7 yr old is totally different from looking after teenagers.
2. The object of the holiday is for that generation of children to see their granny and grandpa again. The 7 yo hasn't met these people, so it doesn't meet the holiday objectives to take them!

My choice would be #1, because it can be explained to the child in simple terms. It would be ridiculous to take her WITHOUT her attending a kids' club. Let her join the other kids in the evening!

A final note - it goes without saying that if you take ANY of the kids, your sibling owes you big time!

And DO CHECK that you could even take the 7yo out of the country without either parent being present!

Looking after 5 children is a big difference to looking after 2. I think tbh it's cheeky of them to ask you.

My kids are mature but they don’t want to be arsed with looking after a 7 year old. I’m mature and don’t want to. 😂 I don’t think it’s mature to want to look after a child as a teen.

My kids and nieces aren’t thinking about whether they want kids or not. They are teenagers. They don’t need to be prepared for the realities of being a parent. My children are close to their cousins as they spend a lot of time together. I think they’ve got sense to not want to be around younger kids and their tantrums.

No I wouldn't take someone else's 3 kids on holiday. Even to visit family. That's you in charge of 5 kids, that's alot of kids. Most of them not being yours.

As a mother I also wouldn't agree to my exes, girlfriends sister taking my DS out of the country either.

Of course it is. Everyone in a family can help out according to age and ability.
This situation is simply about want and, I think, not considering the dss as family.

We have met the 7 year old more than twice. It’s her mum that has only met us twice.

This. Nice and simple.

this is your family holiday. Your children are old enough not to need you frequently and you can relax. Taking another set of children means you don’t have your much needed family holiday.

surely they can visit your parents as a unit another time. Convenience for them would mean you sacrifice your holiday.

also I’m freaked out by the potential complexities of taking the little 7 year old to another country.

Maybe he hasn't "booked to be away with work", because he does one of those jobs where there isn't much option about when you have to be away from home.

OP, does your sister, or more to the point, her husband, have a letter from the 7 year old’s mother explicitly saying it’s OK for you to take her out of the country ? I presume we’re talking about a trip involving Border Control and passports.

To be honest I wouldn't take responsibility for the child, step or not.

The older two would just hang out with your own teens and be no extra work, your sister must know that even if she refuses to admit it!
I'm a step child and usually very much "treat them all the same!", which is what I was lucky enough to experience. But you cannot treat a 7 year old like a teenager!

Also, how would it be a fun half term for her anyway, stuck with a bunch of adults and teenagers.

Ahh I see! That makes a bit more sense.

I wouldn’t take my 8-year old niece on holiday, never mind a child I’m not connected to.

If you’re in the teens already, holidays are easy! Add a 7-year old and you’re back into policing the pool, making sure they eat/drink/sleep enough, then there’s applying sun cream all the time.

Definitely not unreasonable to say no to the 7-year old.

I mean we got paid… as a teen I saw it as “fuck yes I’m getting money” and then it helped form my opinion of having kids. I wasn’t a teenager thinking I wanted kids, but it’s something I looked back on. That’s fine if they don’t want to do it, but it’s an idea.

This is madness.
What about the little girl's own grandparents? Surely that would be better all round?

Sounds like a shit holiday, and completely different to what was planned.

They don’t want to be responsible for any 7 year old, let alone an unrelated one.

This is really important.

It isn't.

The 4 year old presumably has met the baby more often than OP and her DC have seen the 7 year old. And nothing about what you've said explains how the very long hours of being responsible for a 7 year old OP and her family barely know would be covered.

It's correct that this situation is probably primarily about want, notwithstanding any potential issues travelling with an unrelated child. BIL doesn't want to take charge of his own child, Dsis doesn't want to take charge of her stepchild, OP and the teenage kids want to enjoy their free time. But your example clearly isn't of a situation where the 4 year old doesn't want to help, even aside from how totally different it is to taking responsibility for a 7 year old.

That's ridiculous. OP doesn't have to do anything of the sort.

It sounds as though this little girl's step-siblings don't want her to come in case they are expected to entertain her and look after her. They want a care-free holiday with their wider family, as does OP who was looking forward to this holiday.

I feel very sorry for this little girl but unless she is very self-sufficient and confident, I think she might be homesick without her mum, dad or step-mum and she won't be with anyone really close to her.

I think it's a bad idea and her father shouldn't have made plans to work away from home when he knew that it was his time with his daughter.

I have no idea why anyone would expect you to take an unrelated 7 year old with you to another country. Would you even be allowed to, thinking about border controls and parental responsibility?

I don't agree.

Your sister is a cheeky fucker and her husband is twice as bad. Imagine only having your child for 50% of their life and then trying to palm them off on your in laws who are going abroad? Awful human.

Apart from the obvious inconvenience you are being expected to to suffer, there is too much potential for things to go wrong. What if the child gets injured by accident and needs and emergency operation? What if the immigration authorities don’t accept that you have permission to be taking an unrelated child abroad with you? Fuck that.

Take your nieces on holiday and you will still be doing your sister and her husband a massive favour.

wait so your sister's kids are not related to his daughter? (the 7 year old) how long has your sister been with this man?

and no it really isnt appropriate to take a 7 year old to another country. if anything happened it just isn't worth thinking about. Is the mum even that lax that she'd not put a stop to it?

on a random note, a 12/13 year old really does need supervising on a trip. I mean maybe not in terms of tripping over or being upset, but they're still kids in a foreign country.

eta why on earth would this kid want to go and see your parents in another country? so weird that your sister would even think this was a good idea.