Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Nothing to do with the step bit and everything to do with the other kids being older and closer in age. It would be a no from me.

This little one would be a step sibling to the others and not related by blood, so not her grandparents. I’m not saying this should matter but just flagging it as perhaps you think they’re all related.

For so many reasons I would be saying no. Theres no kids similar aged, 7 year olds need entertaining and lots of care suncream, eating, drinking, even just getting up when they do, water supervision etc.
What happens if the child was unwell or injured do you want the responsibility of making decisions about medical care. You don't need to give reasons not to take her but these are all valid ones!

The 7 year old is obviously her dad’s responsibility. However, in defence of her dad. he has looked after my sisters children when she has been away with work and they usually both care for all the children and have split schools holidays between them in the past when my nieces needed childcare. They have been together for almost 6 years.

Treating them the same = nobody goes. Problem solved.

I missed the part where OPs sister’s kids had a father other than the DP, but regardless my opinion still stands -

I always find it rather strange that people in blended families on MN choose to see the blended more as layered - not quite a family. Blood isn’t always the be all and end all of someone’s relationship, family is what you make it. I would be absolutely devastated if I got in to a relationship with a man with a child and my family didn’t accept them as part of my children. It’s interesting OP mentioned somewhere upthread that DSis always insisted they should be treated equally - so there we have it really - if OP wants to say no, say no to all. Surely it’s a better holiday for her without any extra kids involved.

Why is your sister's lack of childcare over half term your responsibility? Say 'No, sorry that doesn't work for us.' 'No, sorry we're not changing our plans. Her kids, step or bio, are her problem.' 'No sorry, can we stop discussing this because it's annoying and I'm not taking your kids on my holiday.'

Has your sister and her partner considered the logistics of this?
What is the expected travel time, door to door? Is the child prone to travel sickness?
The additional costs related to taking 3 extra people?
What if the child gets sick and is unable to travel home, or is hospitalised?
How long have your nieces and you known this child?
Has anyone even asked the cold of she wants to go?!
i would also be concerned from your husbands point of view re. potential allegations.

This. Shut it down. It’s your holiday, of course you don’t want to be running a half-term babysitting service. No further discussions—you are entertaining this WAY too much with your sister, OP. No explanation needed—just no.

You’re suggesting that OP’s sisters kids miss out on a holiday with their grandparents, aunt and cousins because their mum met someone who has a child with someone else. That’s what none of them going means. OP wants to take the older two, the older two want to go, OP’s kids want their cousins to go. The grandparents want all their grandkids to go.

All of these people will miss out on something lovely because the 7 year olds parents are away the same week and her step mum has to work and no one can be arsed to arrange suitable childcare.

No, she isn’t their sibling, and OP’s actual nieces want to see their own family without being made responsible for her. Her father’s childcare problems are not theirs, and neither are they OP’s.

Yes, it's interesting that there's nothing about the feelings of the two elder DNs in the post you're replying to. I'd have thought Dsis would be more cognisant of the risk that her insistence creates resentment. Maybe she doesn't think OP would actually call her bluff and treat them all identically by not taking any of them.

Even when everyone is exactly the same amount of blood related you don’t have to treat them all exactly equally in every single thing. It could be entirely reasonable to say we’re having a teen focused holiday this time, even if they’re all full siblings.

Add in that part of the point of the holiday is to visit relatives that are not actually relatives of the seven year old and it’s even more obvious that she would be a strange addition, the odd one out. 7yo must have holidays etc that she goes one with her mums family that her older step siblings don’t join in with? She must understand that the family is blended and there are different relationships to extended family?

What if the DCs see their step sister as a sister and equally wouldn’t want her to miss out? 6 years is a long time to form a relationship between kids.

Because that is the reality of many blended families, if not the majority of them. In a blended family the children don’t have the same relatives in common, and it isn’t necessary to pretend that they do. The DSIS can choose how she considers her stepchild, but she cannot decide that for the rest of her family.

Perhaps the actual nieces are devastated that their mother married a man with a child, is now not only trying to insist that said child is something she’s not to them, but would allow them to miss out on their own family because of her.

They don’t want her there, and they’ve resisted their mother’s attempts to have them babysit.

How do your parents feel about seeing your step-niece, @FallingDream? They've known her for 6 years, since she was just 1, so they've seen her grow up and may want to see her too. Certainly, my grandparents felt this way about my step-cousin despite him joining our family when he was older than your niece. They were very hands-on types who loved being with kids though and I do appreciate not everyone shares this temperament; my in-laws can barely tolerate their blood relatives!

But they aren't her siblings and she only lives with them at most 50% of the time (assuming that they see their dad aswell its likely less). She is old enough to understand that her stepsiblings are going on holiday with their family as im sure she does when with her mum.
Also the older kids deserve time away with their extended family without having a much younger stepsister foysted on them, they didn't choose to have this child in there lives and shouldn't have their extended family time impacted by her father's inability to sort out suitable childcare on his time.

Yep. OP has said they don't want the youngest coming @TY78910. Dsis not only wants to add her to the trip against the two eldest's wishes but is also doing something that could lose them the holiday altogether. This is a lot of resentment to risk creating in the wider family because for whatever reason she can't just send the 7 year old to clubs whether she likes it or not and look after her solo in the evenings.

(I did suspect DBIL was being a deadbeat, but looking after each other's DC when the parent is working away seems a norm in their relationship so fair enough).

I would say no to all. I think your parents will much more easily be able to accommodate just your family. Your sister needs to organise her own visits to her parents with her children and step child.

Your sister can hate your decision but that is her discomfort to deal with.

Well my brother was 6 years younger than me, and half the time I didn’t want him around, poor kid, when I was a teen, as I was a mardy so and so. Like a lot of teens, I should think. Luckily he’s forgiven me and and I grew out of my horrid stage.

Honestly, fair enough.

Would I still want the potential fall out with DSis? This has a lot of risk of becoming a family drama no matter how much OP explains its to do with age and levels of supervision.

She's not she a stepsister to both of the children. She has no blood relationship with any of the people going on holiday or to visit.
So yes she is a random 7 year old

7 is too young and surely your sister shouldnt be arranging such things when the child has a mother who might have a say?

Obviously they mainly want to see us and their grandchildren but they don’t mind if she comes with us. They won’t be the ones looking after her though. That will fall mainly on us.