Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

I think my decision would depend on two things:

• how much your sister has provided you and your kids with childcare/baby sitting/family trips etc in the past.
• whether she is able and willing to reciprocate in future, either by taking your teens away with her family when they next go to visit the grandparents abroad or even watching your kids at home while you and your DH enjoy a cheeky childfree long weekend/week in the sun

If she’s historically been heavily involved and a supportive sister/aunt for your family unit, I’d be inclined to agree to help out by taking all of the kids.

Are your parents desperate to also see this 7-year-old? Has your sister spoken to them about the arrangements she's hoping you'll agree to? What sorts of activities will the 7-year-old want to do and who does your sister think will be facilitating that? And what sorts of sleeping arrangements will need to be made to accommodate all the DC?

The answer is that the child's dad has to figure out his own childcare, end of conversation. The brass neck of him 😅

but its not up to you to take them and be responsible for them.

I can’t believe they are trying to push this onto you, he needs to arrange child care for her not hijack your holiday, if you give in this won’t be the last time I would bet.

Simply tell your sister you can take the teens, but it isnt possible to take the 7 year old. And for her to let her know if she still wants you to take just the teens, or none asap.

rinse and repeat.

I disagree that it's some sort of hardship to have older children help out with younger children, etc. I don't believe they should take on full parental roles, but fgs, my 4y/o changes diapers on younger sibling and helps them get dressed.

Your sister doesn't need childcare for her children, they are teenagers and perfectly capable of staying on their own. Your sister needs childcare for her step-daughter, because she's 7. Your sister isn't prepared to take time off work to look after her. Your BIL is away with work, on his contact time with his daughter. Had he tried to swap his contact time with his daughter's Mum? What's he actually done to try and resolve the situation?! Surely he must have known that he'd be away and your sister couldn't provide childcare?!

Essentially your sister is palming her step-daughter off onto you, because neither her or her partner are able/willing to look after her. Yes, a 7 year old is going to need more supervision and looking after, that stands to reason!

Is there a reason why the step-daughter's Mum is willing to allow you and your husband, a couple who her daughter has met twice, to take her abroad?! Is the Mum aware this is even happening?! I wouldn't be happy if I were her! I appreciate that the Mum has no control over what happens during her ex's contact time.

I wouldn't be very happy in taking the step-daughter simply, because your sister and her partner aren't taking responsibility for the child.

Sorry@FallingDream this is her partners problem .. I’m lucky enough not to have ever been involved with 50/50 care but from what I can see - it’s a fab way of avoiding maintenance.. (my DH had to quite rightly pay a % of salary that equated to £1750 a month.. because his ‘very important job’ meant he wasn’t available for child care except EOW ‘ .. sounds like sisters partner is trying to have it all ways by passing the responsibility to your sister ) tell her to bat this one back ! .. it’s his time , his responsibility and FOR HIM TO WORK OUT !!

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is if the 7yo was a biological child - would you still only invite the 2 older ones?

I would not be taking the 7yo but I don’t know if it’s unfair to leave her out.

I just can’t get over the fact that both her mum and dad are not even in the country and that it’s up to your sister to arrange childcare and juggle that and work.

I actually think, since she is not the sister’s child, change those to how much help has the brother in law given.

Her DH thinks you are a mug. Don't be.

I'm not of the opinion that relatives outside of the household of a blended family (grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins) always have to treat their stepgrandchildren or step niece/nephew exactly the same as their biological relatives. They've normally got their own grandparents or aunts or uncles on both sides unless they have lost a parent. There's a family on DH's side where the relatives did this and then they split 3 years later. Much upset. That mum is on her 3rd marriage now, different set of stepkids.

Have they thought of family on her dad’s side looking after the 7 yo? Does she have grandparents on his side for example? I know it’s not your job to sort her childcare, but maybe they need a no from you to make them think more about who they could ask.

They don’t want to, and this isn’t their sibling/cousin. They want to spend time with their own family, not provide childcare for OP’s sister’s husband.

Exactly. And "They don't want to" isn't more valid than your no, because you don't want to either.

No absolutely not. I have a 7 year old and you’re right, it will not be the same holiday for you all. And I find it odd that her mum would be happy with that arrangement.
Who’s paying for the extra 3 children to come by the way? If it is your sister then surely she can afford a holiday club for the week instead for the 7 year old. By sister, I mean the girls dad really! It’s not either of your responsibility. I have to work during school holidays and have little family support. So I use paid childcare. Tell them to do the same.
It’s sad that your nieces won’t be happy if they end up missing out because of this. But that’s also not your problem, as much as you love them. That will be your sisters decision. Just firmly say you are happy to take the two older children but that’s it. Up to them if they accept.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong saying you are only willing to take the older 2.

The easiest 7 year old in the world can't be left at home if you want to pop out with your DH for an early morning swim or a drink/dinner in the evening. She will need entertaining as she is the only child that age around and can't hang around with the older ones as they won't tolerate it (no teen would, for anything more than a short time each day). That completely changes the holiday for you.

Her parents will have to find alternative arrangements.

Dear god. Own family?
🤦‍♀️

I can't get over the 7yo having a mother, a father and a step mother yet none of them are available to look after her?

Definitely don't take her with you whether or not the older ones go.

Yes, their own family. The kid has an entirely different maternal family.

In any case, nappies and help with getting dressed are unlikely to be applicable to a 7 year old and would usually only take a few minutes a day anyway. A 7 year old is going to need looking after well beyond that. It's not a relevant example.

You either take them all or none at all.

And they've only met her twice! I have cousins who grew up 6 hours away who I have only ever seen at (rare) weddings in 45 years and I barely class them as family.

This!

But why?