Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

I wouldn't want to be responsible for a child I'm not related to, especially not abroad. So no to taking sister's step child.

Also, what kind of mother would be okay with her ex husband's wife's sister taking her child abroad to see people she has no relation to? And what kind of father would allow this, too? Weird family. And it's borderline negligence to dump your child on unrelated people in a foreign country.

The older ones don’t want to babysit.

He is low contact with his parents and it wouldn’t be suitable for them to look after her.

I'd also be worried about the implication of travelling with three children without their parents and one of whom you have absolutely no blood ties to.

Don't know which country you're going to.But let's hope they're not strict with travelling with minors without their parents.

I'd say no to all three of the children, and you're only taking your own.

I just wouldn’t take any of them. I wouldn’t want to single the step child out and take the two older ones, especially if she’s very much a part of the family. If I wasn’t comfortable/didn’t want to deal with the 7 year old then I’d just decline and take my own kids and that’s that

Then say no to the 7year old going, do you want to take your nieces and do they want to go? Cos if you do it wouldn't be fair for your sister to say no to them going just because you won't take her partners child.

@FallingDream Is her Mum aware of this plan?

I agree. My sister says she’ll be fine as she likes being with us, will have her step siblings and will love being with our parents. She is a very confident, outgoing child so she might be ok in that way, but she would still require a lot of looking after. My sister seems to think she’s easy and doesn’t require much looking after as she’s sensible, but that isn’t how I parented my own and not how I’d treat someone else’s child. I would go out of my way to make sure she felt ok, was entertained and was feeling secure and not left out which would mean I wouldn’t have the relaxing holiday I want. On top of that she would be up early, need help getting ready, we wouldn’t be able to have late nights, it would change where we visit and what we eat etc.

There is always the chance that she could be very homesick and upset the whole time and then I would feel terrible and my whole holiday would become even more about her than spending time with my parents, husband and children.

Aside from the age difficulty, there are a few other things worth mentioning to your sister:

• You are not related to the child, so would need written permission to take her out of the country
• What happens if she needs medical treatment on holiday? You wouldn’t be able to make medical decisions for her.
• Does she speak the language of your father’s home country?
• Does she know your parents well enough to be staying in their house?
• What if she wanted to come home?
• Who would help her in the bath/getting ready in the mornings? This can be…hit and miss with 7yr olds. But do any of you have the relationship to her to help her with essentially intimate care?
• Is your parents‘ house set up for a 7yr old? Are there a few toys/drawing things?
• What are the sleeping arrangements? Do your parents have enough space?
• Do your parents have a car seat for her?

You don’t need to answer any of this here. But they strike me as practicalities when looking after someone else’s young child abroad.

I'd go with "were happy to supervise them to get her to grandparents house if they want to look after the kids but we are going on holiday and not going to be in-situ carers. So if you want to arrange their care/visit with grandparents directly and can afford to cover the cost of the hotel we will now be staying at instead of with grandparents as planned, that's fine, we will happily supervise them on the flights" (Assuming you were planning to stay with grandparent)

I wouldn't mention age or you'll be roped into it in the future.

Look, your sister just doesn’t want to have difficult conversations with her partner, or make him have a horrible conversation with his daughter. It’s easier for her if you just do what she wants so that she and her partner and his ex can have it all. She should expect pushback. This scenario has all the signs of an initial
idea that’s floated but is so preposterous it never comes to pass. It’s only August, the holiday is October. The sister and her DH have lots of time to come up with a plan that doesn’t involve OP.

Nor me jeez!
Not for love, nor money, nor a gun to the head!

THIS is answer enough, that you don't want to babysit a 7-y-o when you had planned a different type of holiday with teenagers.

Your sister and her partner are being real CFs here, attempting to hi-jack your holiday to ease their child-care problem.

It’s just a terrible idea from your sister or her partner from start to finish.

It’s easy for your sister to say her DSD will be an easy child because she knows you, she knows you will go out of your way to look after her.

And what happens if DSD wants to go home? Do you think your sister is going to drop everything and come get here? Or would you end up cutting your trip short?

Have you talked directly to the 7 year old's mum to know she is comfortable with your family taking the child? I'd assume not as you aren't planning on taking her! So are you taken your sister's word for it?

If you weren’t going on holiday what would your sister and her dh do for childcare? They can do that.

I wouldn't mention age or you'll be roped into it in the future.

@SatansScrotum Yep, that occurred to me too. If they do it this time, they'll be the default childcare going forward given that her Dad doesn't get on with his family. Poor child, it's not surprising that she's attached to her step-sisters, it doesn't sound as if anyone on her Dad's side is interested. 😔

Does the 7 year olds mum even know about this proposed plan?

It might be interesting and admittedly a bit shit-stirring to include her on an email where you explained why you didn't think it was a good idea that you took her abroad without any of her parents because she probably didn't know you well enough and you didn't want the responsibility.

I mean, maybe her mum is a CF too. But if not she might be horrified that her ex is palming off his responsibilities in this way and hard questions will be asked. Deservedly so.

I am a softie (pushover) but for this it is a no. I think the child would be grand but changes the dynamics andg holiday which is precious so it would be a no.

This is a situation where any explanation you give is going to become a debate. I think you need to be firm but don't explain your reasoning beyond 'that doesn't work for us'.

I think it's perfectly fine to say you don't want to take a child who is (a) 7 years old, and (b) someone you have only met twice.

Say that you are happy to take the older two as they will be able to do things with your two and won't need much looking after, but that if your sister is going to insist on you taking the 7 year old then it's a no to all 3 children.

Oh and a child who (c) is neither related to either you or your husband nor a member of your household.

"This is our holiday. We will not be taking a 7yo with us. End of discussion. You can choose whether we take the older 2 or none of them. Those are your only choices."

Because they don't want to and aren't responsible for doing so, probably

OP is doing exactly that.

Would your sister and idiot partner be ok if DSD’s school said ‘she doesn’t need mucn supervision so we leave her on her own at lunch and break times’. It’s laughable to suggest that 7 year olds can be treated the same as teenagers. Your sister and partner will need to book time off work or pay for childcare.