Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

@FallingDream has already said the stepsiblings dont want her to come and they want to go away with their cousins and aunt

It does, but there isn't a way around this that removes the possibility. If OP sucks it up and ends up not having the rest she wants because she's got lumbered with looking after a 7 year old she barely knows, she might not be able to contain her resentment. Since it's her sister, other family members present might resent OP for not having the spine to say no if entertaining a 7 year old has any kind of negative impact on the holiday. Or if (let's hope not) DSN has an accident, gets ill, ends up needing medical treatment, are Dsis and/or the parents going to have something to say then?

Dsis has introduced the potential for drama here, unfortunately, and there are now lots of ways it could ensue because of her unreasonable expectations.

I would just say no, it's your only holiday this year and you're planning on enjoying it, not watching a 7 year old or requiring the young teens to look after a 7 year old.

You will take the cousins, but not the 7 year old if she wants you to. But if she insists they all be treated the same, they can all stay home with her. Be firm.

Unfortunately your sisters partner won't be able to go away for work as he has his child that wk. That's parenthood for you.

If they’ve been together nearly 6 years and little one is 7 then she’s been in your life a long time still. She would have been very young when she joined your family, she probably sees you as family more than you obviously see her.
I understand that it would mean you wouldn’t relax as much having a younger one, but don’t take any if that’s the case. Being so young when she came into the family she probably wants to see the grandparents as much as your biological nieces.

Yeah, childcare is not your problem to solve. Hell, it’s not even your sister’s problem to solve!

If OP treats all children the same as her sister demands and declines to take any of them with her, her sister is still left with her original problem and potentially additional resentment from her children. She cannot compel her children to babysit for her partner's child so they will need to use clubs even though the child doesn't like them as there's no other option. The teens will miss out on time with their grandparents and likely be bored. The sister will achieve nothing by preventing her children from going so should just do the right thing and let her children go.

@Dearg Exactly. It's totally unfair on the poor child. Visiting your parents is a red herring tbh, what it really boils down to is that her parents are unwilling to organize childcare for her so they're trying to guilt you into taking her.

Plus, you may even have trouble taking her to another country as you're unrelated, her parents will need to give permission for her to travel with you (No idea how that's done, an affidavit perhaps?)

It's not you who's making them miss out though. It's their mother. Their grandparents want to see them, they want to go, you're happy to take them - it's your sister who would be the one saying they can't go because she doesn't want them to go without their stepsister. That's up to your sister, it's a parenting decision she's making for her own DC and nothing to do with you.

I wouldn't worry about excluding the stepchild. As nice as she may be, she's too young for this holiday, she barely knows you (has she ever even met your parents?!) and she's not your niece 🤷.

It's the two step parents who need to treat the DC in their blended family equally, nobody else. They're the ones who chose to blend their families. None of their extended relatives asked for that situation, weren't consulted about whether they accepted it and didn't agree in advance to treat all DC equally. So it's a bit much for the parents to have decided for you, without your knowledge or permission, that you're to treat all DC equally and as if they are all your blood relatives.

It's not for you all to have to treat the stepchild as if she was a blood relative if you don't want to and don't feel that way about her. It sucks for the child of course, but that's life. You can't be responsible for the emotions of random children just because their parent and your relative decided to remarry/cohabit. So I wouldn't feel guilty at all about inviting your nieces and saying you won't take the younger child.

It's not even a difficult situation regarding potentially making the stepchild feel like the odd one out for no reason. If she asks why the others are going on holiday and she isn't, she can be told they're going to visit their grandparents. Why would she want to go visit their grandparents?! It's weird. Do they go with her to visit her grandparents? I somehow doubt it. It's really neither here nor there that her step siblings grandparents just happen to live abroad. All things in life are not equal.

Arranging a family holiday and excluding a step child who has been part of your family
for years is a horrible thing to do. Declining to take a young step child on a holiday you didn’t invite them on but have been asked to take them on because their parents want you to resolve their parent’s childcare issues is very reasonable, even if you’re giving more serious consideration to taking your nieces. Looking after a 7 year old is absolutely worlds apart from caring for teenagers. It’s an unreasonable request to have made of you and an unreasonable expectation that a seven year old would be able to navigate a big trip like that without a parent.

I would say no to all children. I wouldnt want to be responsible for a 13 yo either.

They can arrange their own holiday to see them when they can get time off work.

They are not grandparents to the 7 year old. They are her father's partner's parents. Her stepmum wants to treat all 3 daughters the same, which is often sensible, but not always when they are such different ages.

There doesn't appear to be a single person in this entire scenario who cares enough to put the seven year old child's needs first. I feel so desperately sad for that little girl, who must surely be aware that she is viewed as an inconvenience by everyone around her.

Oh, come on, she's got two biological parents, one stepparent and two step grandparents who have known her since she was one.

She's not an inconvenience to everyone it's just her unrelated step auntie doesn't want to be solely responsible for her abroad. I would not want the responsibility of taking such a young child abroad for that amount of time either.

You post is just hyperbole.

Wow this is outrageous. Father in his contact time tries to palm off his own kid on his partners sister and her parents who don’t even have similar age kids themselves?! You couldn’t make it up. Hard no!

@Mapletree1985 I think her Dad is the uncaring person. He doesn't appear to be willing to make any arrangements for his DD's care and it would be lovely for her to spend one-to-one time with him while her step-sisters are away. But he's not willing to take AL to do this.

The people responsible for her are her own two parents. In trying to palm of his responsibility as a parent however, her father has instead chosen to make her an inconvenience to his stepchildren and in laws.

No. It’s your holiday and with five kids to watch and entertain all so varied in age this will not be a holiday for you. Your sis should have sorted out child care if she knew she wouldn’t be available. Just say no

Tell your DS that you will be going out a few nights just you and DH and also other plans for you, DH and your parents on a couple of days, and that if you're taking the 7 yo on holiday you hadn't planned to need childcare so it's only reasonable that the 16yo and 15yo should be paid to baby sit, as you're saving DS so much time on childcare you're sure she won't mind footing the payments.

Edited to add : where are DS's husband's parents in all this? Could the 7 yo spend solo time with them that week?

If the step family weren't in the picture the options would be the same. If she was my child and her father had a presumably not optional work trip and I was unable to take leave and there were no family/friends available to help out then we would have to use clubs whether the child liked it or not. Parents have to earn money to provide for their children.
No-one has questioned the maternal extended family who refuse to help during Dad's time even though they are related to the child. Her life would likely be adversely effected if her father lost his job. If I were her mother I'd rather my family helped out than my child went abroad to stay with people she barely knows.

That poor kid, if I had been put in the predicament at 7, I would have been so scared.
I cannot believe they would even consider it.

YANBU, only do what you are happy/comfortable with.

Im confused. You got together with your dp when is daughter was just one?

@Flamingojune The OP and her DH/DP have two shared DD's, 16 and 14. No step- children.

Her sister has a 7-year-old step-daughter.

Exactly what seven year old would want to be without mum or dad and alone with unrelated adults and older children.

The sisters stepchild is 7 so massively different in age to the posters own kids and nieces who are all teenagers. This little girl will have nothing in common with a bunch of teenagers and will likely be bored on a family holiday where she doesn't know anyone other than her dad's partners two kids. This poster is in no way obligated to take her at all. Her sister's partner should've planned better and sorted out proper childcare or rearranged things with his ex if he really couldn't get out of work